I have never been the princess type. I never was obsessed with pink. I like green; always have. I used to choose the green gumball in 1st grade when we lined up silently while all the other girls choose pretty pastels like pink and yellow. I never was drawn to pastel colors.
I never dreamed of being a ballerina. I did twirl around in my frilly church slip; however, it wasn't a princess that I was pretending to be. I always felt like I was flying. I was mesmerized by the way the ruffles lifted and fell around me. I remember just wanting to stay in it and being able to spin around and around. Honestly, I still like dresses that swirl around me. Maybe I still like to feel like I'm flying. Maybe I just love the idea of feeling special and pretty. Maybe there is something just a little bit magical about it that I can't put my finger on no matter how old I get. Not a single Halloween did I wear a pretty dress or crown. I've been a mouse, a pumpkin, Tinkerbelle, Elmo, and a couple 3 times I went as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. What's not to love about saving yourself and defeating evil while wearing perfectly sparkly ruby slippers?
My dad never called me princess. I never introduced myself as, "I'M A PRINCESS!" or used it as rebuttal in an argument. I never dreamed of some knight in shining nothing riding up and saving me. The closest I ever came to that dream had more to do with Richard Gere saving Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Maybe I liked the idea of being saved by someone who wanted to love me in spite of my sass and attitude like her?
I only wanted to wear high heels because I thought the sound they made, was cool. In 6th grade every student got to choose a famous person to do a research paper over, and for extra credit dress up as the person. Many of the girls choose Princess Diana, Queen Elizabeth, famous actresses.... I choose Albert Einstein. I wore this amazing wild white haired wig that looked a lot like my Granny McNabb's own hair and a suit. My genius mother found double sided sticky tape and we cut off a snippet of the wig for my moustache. I remember walking into Mrs. Henthorn's English class and getting an immediate reaction from the class. I never wanted to be the princess, but I have always had a flair for making a scene. I think that might be my problem. I like the entrance. I like the scene . I have a flair for the dramatic.
So there is my problem with the idea of fairy tales and dreams of the knight in shining whatever- I never needed him. I didn't need pampered. Maybe I was the evil witch in the wildest part of the woods with a picket fence around my shack. I didn't need the pastel and frills. I didn't need trumpets or big jewels. I wanted the heart of it all. I wanted the simple. I wanted the way the love of my life looked at me across the room to resemble a Hepburn movie where the music swelled. I wanted the kisses in the rain. I needed to know that someone was willing to risk looking foolish for me. I needed to know I was the choice.
The problem with all that- is that it's a far more dangerous dream than the princess fairy tale. Anyone can give you flowers and whisper sweet nothings when things are pastel covered and smell like perfume. It takes real courage to allow your walls down, to empty the moat of all the alligators of fear and distrust and allow yourself to be truly vulnerable.
Maybe that's the problem with me, I never was the princess; I was more of the pea. I didn't need a castle or flowers woven in my hair. I needed to feel safe. I didn't need to be adored. I needed to be loved. Being feared is easy when you're the witch. Being adored is easy when you're a princess.
Being the pea that causes people to be uncomfortable and demands a scene - that is much harder to love.
Truth is, I never was the princess.
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