When I got married the first time at 21, I was sure that I never really wanted kids. And if somehow the adorable dimples of the man I was with, convinced me, I was even more convinced that I couldn't possibly ever love any child that wasn't female. I was convinced my life would probably be better off without any offspring. I was even against getting a dog. I was more than content to have my nieces over and love on them and then SEND them back. I loved my ginormous 20 lbs of cat, Dante. I was more than content to share my space with him, but the overwhelming desire to share my DNA and finances further was a quick NOPE.
The thing is ... I never just a moment back then where I smelled the intoxicating baby smell and had to talk my ovaries down. I didn't picture myself pushing strollers or naming tiny humans that were half me. I gave my pets full names, middle included, but never even dreamed of what something that was a branch on my family tree would look like. It's not how I was put together.
Then my best friend called me on the phone and discussed babies. We decided to throw out our birth control away on the phone together. Peer pressure at it's finest! (totally serious.)
The thing is .... I was pregnant within 45days of throwing it away. I had the easiest, most fun, and smoothest pregnancy; no sickness, no swelling, no complaints. I loved it. And then....I hit 43 weeks and no one wants to spend any time with me for fear I would "accidentally" have a kid. I finally beg the doctor to induce and 26 hours, 2 epidurals, and one very fat nearly 10lb baby later. I was holding someone who was half of my genetics. I have never been more scared of failing in my entire life. I felt helpless and ashamed that I wasn't able to calm and comfort him within the first 5 min of meeting him outside his belly home. I was overwhelmed. I was tired. I was feeling broken that I wasn't able to "instinctively" fix everything and make him feel safe. Eventually he calmed down and we took the best nap of my life.
But something changed in me after that. I finally understood what it felt like to have my heart outside my body. I felt my heart nearly explode when he hurt. I was thankful for the cage of my ribs to keep my heart from lashing outside of myself and shredding someone when I felt that he was in danger or threatened.
I fell in love with thinking up ways to care for and nurture my son. I worked to build his character and show him love beyond understanding. I made intentional choices to tell him that nothing could or would every stop my love for him. I think of the correct words for discipline to correct behavior without crushing the spirit. I remind myself that he is someone's future husband and father. This man that I am raising isn't mine. He is a future member of society. If I fail him- it's not just a bad parenting moment. I don't get to hit reset and fix my mistakes. I admit my mistakes and apologize to him. I work to communicate why and how I need him to behave.
And somewhere in the middle- I found out that he alone is my greatest accomplishment. I have degrees. I have been needed. But raising my child is truly the one thing in my life that I am the most proud of. He is smart and witty. He is compassionate. He is stubborn and amazes me with the way that he approaches the world. I didn't know that I could be willing and able to hold a puking child before him. I never knew that him learning to write his name would make me so proud and shatter my heart that he was growing up. I never knew I would be proud to have survived a single week with a newborn. I had no idea that I would be able to map the freckles on his body with my eyes closed and look across the room and know if he was sick just by seeing his eyes. I never knew I could look it his green eyes first thing in the morning and gauge the quality of the rest of my day depending on how dark or light the intensity of the green is. Dark green and all the deepest most ornery parts of him are going to battle me and make me question every single oz of my ability to be a decent parent.
I never knew what I was missing- until I found it. I guess I'm saying, you should never have a kid unless you are willing and able to give up your ideas about love and devotion. Because the moment you have a kid- your ideas about love change.
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