We all go through trails and tribulations in our lives. Some of us are given more obvious ones than others. Maybe it's because God only gives us what we can handle and maybe it's because we are dumb and make poor choices.... but either way... We all experience things in our life that make us question ourselves and when it's time to give up. I have experienced being loved and being UNloved.
I understand that I am not the typical "weaker sex" in a relationship. I don't fulfill the "typical girl role." I don't mind getting dirty and have had to take care of myself for choice and by force before. I have learned how to love others. I have experienced how to NOT be loved more.
I am not good at change. I am not a fan of stress. I am NOT tough; due to previous failed marriages and some major life changes that have reduced my friends and family circles a time or 100, I have trust issues that are so significant that they could be labeled as "deep and wide."
I'd love to tell you that I am stable, calm, and can focus exclusively on the matter that needs dealt with; that would be a lovely description of someone, not me, but someone. I am needy. I am difficult to be in a relationship with. I am pretty sure that this applies to most all of my relationships and not just romantic type ones. I am needy and bossy and emotional in ways that psychology professors could have had a field day with and create their life's work writing books about all my drama.
I am not needy in a someone needs to take care of me sort of way. I don't need "things." I am not a gold digger and do not require gifts or lavish treats. I demand attention. No, not exactly... I require attention. I require it the same way that flowers need light. Maybe that's it. I am the kind of flower that needs a LOT of direct sunlight. I am not, nor will I ever be one of those flowers that only need a few measly hours of sunlight. I am not those people. I have found that I can happily share room with other people and neither one speaking and I am fine... But let the room be empty and I get a little batty.
I say all this to explain that I am not easy to love. I am a pain in the a$$;however, because of my crazy life I understand how to love and how to make someone feel unloved. I figure if I explain it, maybe other people will learn from my life and see that they are in a relationship where they are not giving enough and need to change their errors or maybe it's time to give up and walk away with self respect.
Lets break it down to 7 easy "T" steps...
1. Time: To make someone feel unloved, avoid time with them. And if you can not avoid time with them... give them smaller amounts and do not give them your attention. Look at your phone, be distracted. Even if your body is physically there with the person, make sure your mind and thoughts are elsewhere. Another way to accomplish this is to make sure you are selfish. Never check on them. Avoid finding out what they want or need.
2.Touch: According to psychology, touch is important in relationships. Hugging someone you care about can literally bring down the stress hormone, cortisol, and lower blood pressure. It is a glue that can help with a feeling of unity. Touch helps your brain to give off happy brain chemicals such as, dopamine. Touch can be simple and innocent as laying your hand on their arm or leg. It can also be as in depth as real affection such as kissing or sex. Simple public displays of touch can create an outward show to the world that you are a team. If you avoid touching the person you are attempting to make feel unloved and make sure that the only touch they receive from you is off hand, cold, or forced you will slowly and effectively allow a winters chill to settle in their heart towards you. This should give their heart a feeling of frostbite and make them second guess themselves and often their ego will suffer.
3. Team: If you have ever been apart of something such as a team, you understand the idea that everyone one the "team" does better and fights harder for the team when they feel invested and part of the team. One way to break the feeling of team is to give intimate details about your life with others. This shows to others that you are not a member of the team and do not need the original members of the '"team."
3: Tenderness: When you watch tv or movies and the one member of a couple looks at the other person, there is a look of tenderness in their eyes. This tenderness must be cut out of your eyes, your words, and your touch. Love is tender and kind. 'Unlove' is rough, mean, and "jokes" about the other person. It is judgmental and unforgiving. It holds grudges. Tenderness can be the sweet nothings of chatting about your day before you fall asleep. It can be the sweet gestures that mean nothing to anyone else, but mean the world to the person you formerly loved. Make sure to avoid tenderness.
5. Talk: Lets discuss tone. I can say I hate you to my BFF while laughing and joking because she looks absolutely lovely in a dress that made me feel like a sack of potatoes... and by no means do I hate her. The tone of the talk between you is very important. Make sure the same coldness that you exhibit in your touch carries over to your voice. Make it obvious that you do not mean a single word you say when you say anything kind or that might accidentally convey feelings of love or compassion. Also another effective way to make the person feel unloved is to talk down to them and make them feel low and unworthy of you.
6. Try: Effort. Don't do things for the other person. Don't try to make their life better. Don't do things to help them. Make sure you don't include their needs or dreams in your plans. They do not need to think that their hopes or dreams are important.
7. Trust: Trust is like the mayo in a tuna fish sandwich...it keeps all the random things that make up the couple STUCK together. Trust can help the other person ignore things that might seem fishy and allow them to focus on all the things you do right. Make sure you have secret communications with others. Make sure that you have long periods of time that are unaccounted for. If at all possible create new and random schedules that do not fit your normal schedule and act like the other person is crazy. Change things about yourself... how you dress, what you find interesting, and what you talk about so that the other person feels like an outsider and feels like you are changing to be more like interesting to someone else. By changing things and creating a sense of uncertainty the other person looses trust. Trust is bond. Trust is an essential concrete in the wall that surrounds a relationship and keeps it free from outsiders and disease.
If you follow those 7 easy steps in ANY relationship it will catch fire and become a memory like the Hindenburg. If it go up in flames and be a remainder to the other person of something not to do. Not only will the person feel unloved and unwanted but you will also help to shatter their ideas of happiness and satisfaction and ruin their ego. They will get edgy and worry. They will second guess themselves and even if you are completely innocent and doing nothing wrong.
Remember, this is the quick and easy list of how to make someone feel unloved. If these are steps the person you are in a relationship with is doing... you might need to make choices to protect yourself.
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