Killing my husband

I wanna kill my husband.

Don't get me wrong , he is nice man . He works hard and  plays harder.  He isn't messy. In fact, he is a bit OCD and the dirty socks beside the bed, they aren't  his, they are mine.

The  amount and ways  that I wanna kill him has ebbed and evolved over the past year. The  thing about being married to someone is that they see you  in every light of humanity; good, bad, sick, grumpy, first thing in the morning, last thing before bed.... Everything . He knows that I wake up  glorious and happy . I know that this annoys him. He doesn't understand  it. As far as he is concerned  "normal" people do not roll out if bed and hum and act like Snow White or Cinderella singing to whatever animal happens to be near them...  the cat is also not a morning person. Maybe I need small rodents. Alas,  I digress.

Anyway.. Back to killing .

When I first married him there was a lack of  understanding between us as large and as deep as the Grand Canyon.  We did not live together prior to eloping and while we did have shared life goals and love , we also had very different ideas about random things like laundry and dishes , see previously mentioned statement about OCD. He  was uber organized and thinks things on shelves create clutter . I prefer to display 50000 pictures of family, friends, and loved ones. He  color coordinates his closet and I have a large mass of shoes that live together in a utopian society at the bottom of my closet. .
To say that we didn't mesh is an understatement the same way that Lady Liberty is large and green.
There were days I wanted to stab him. I didn't want a divorce . I merely wanted to stab him. Thus, one of the first times I wanted to kill him..

Then we  started to somewhat find a flow and started to get a teeny bit  of balance . I very much liked having  help with my munchkin  and I wanted to cook for him  and  make him  elaborate meals and spoil him.He accused  me of trying to kill him with rich and fatty foods.

Then we started to work together. As we  began working together we shifted out focus from ME to WE. It's funny how changing that one letter can shift a  relationship . We  tried to do things for each other. We tried to do things for  the betterment of the house and not each other . Here's an example : He started bringing  me home cinnamon bears  from base . That' might sound trivial to you .. But let's discuss the  emotionally reaction  to being brought home a candy that I love and have a difficult time finding . When he brings them home I KNOW  I was on his mind. I KNOW he cares about pleasing me and makings happy . I KNOW he  had to give up time to  go and find them .  Something so small and cheap as. 99 cent  candy means I am someone he cares about and wants to see smile . Those stupid bears  would make me all girlie and giggly because he took the time for me  I feeling important and loved made me wanna  smother him in kisses . Bam..... A very different kill .

We really started to let down our guards and start to focus on self sacrifice and pleasing one another . This was a very personal and intimate step in a marriage .  Doing things for another person that gains you nothing is hard . In fact, some days , it drains you . I would  leave my work during my lunch, come home pack his lunch , (he works swing shift ) and  then  gorge myself on something fast to make it back to work on time .  The great part about self sacrifice, when it came to our relationship, is that it built  a safe and more intimate  level. This led to me trying to  letting go of a lot of my hangs ups and wanting to dirty girl kill my husband . Lol

Then I went through a very terrible no good bad and dark year . I  am a teacher . I love my job. I loveeee my kiddos . However , after the murders of two students , the death of another, suicide attempts of a couple, and a whole box full of everything else seeing to be wrong ... I struggled with a horrible ugly mean chunk of depression  shortly after we got married . I was cold and short and          inhumanly hateful.  I  wanted to scream and yell. Then afterwards I was  remorseful  I
would want to cry profusely. I didn't have energy  to do anything . I wanted to sleep and do nothing for our house. I wasn't handling . I couldn't cope. I didn't like most people . I couldn't stand myself or my thoughts . I didn't want to hurt myself ... Nope... I did want to push people down stairs . I wanted to make someone else pay for how badly I felt and unfortunately he was very often a target of my anger and rage. I hated him for not being able to help me . I hated him for not being able to understand . I hated  the way he breathed  sitting beside me on the couch .  I didn't understand him . He had no idea what on earth had turned me into a pit of man eating anger sharks. I wanted  to kill him for not understanding me . I wanted to kill  him  for not  empathizing  and  understanding me . I never crossed over into  physical like getting weapons or  anything  along those lines ... Instead I did damage far harder to fix . I separated myself  from him . I cut myself off from his kindness. I blamed him for me being unhappy . I was hateful. I was meannnnnn. I wanted to kill his happiness . And truthfully .. I was very successful.

And I nearly killed everything good about us . I did things that were mean and stupid and killed his spirit. And still my  killing  spree wasn't over .  I killed his sense of peace and happiness . I killed the joy and happiness from our marriage . These killings were probably the most wrong of all of them.

We have both done made choices that murdered the other's joy....

I won't lie and say I am a great wife . Most days I struggle with being merely good . I struggle with finding my roll within the relationship . I contempt the things he has done wrong and get mad and wanna cause him literal bodily harm. I don't research poisons ... But I will tell you that there are actions that I have taken that have been a poisonous to both him and how he feels about me and who we are as a couple .

Let's be honest... He knows me well enough to know exactly which buttons to push to make me mad... Not mad.. Furious. When that happens, I react. And I wanna kill him. I don't always let him in on that thought process ; it's better that I don't.

All I know is that I wanna kill him most days ... Now and whether it's wring his neck or kill him with kindness, that all depends on the day .