Fighting for what I don't want.

The truth is... I fail.

A lot.

 I make choices all the time not really sure of if I am doing the right thing. I figure that if I get it all wrong and fall at least I will have a better view when I look up again. I try to do the right thing. I attempt to be the bigger person; however, I am not always a fan of this.

I fail.
I try again.
I fail.
I try again.
I fail.
And then sometimes I actually learn a few things about myself.

I have learned that when there are two paths... I usually whimp out and choose the one I think is the safest option. The saddest part about that is that the "safe" option is not usually the one I want in the long run. I am tired of choosing safe. I am tired of trying to be the person that I am "supposed" to be to fit other people's ideas of who or what I should be. I am not really that girl.

I am a believer that everything happens for a reason and that the reason is USUALLY beyond what my feeble brain can understand. I agree that we accept what we think we deserve instead of fighting for what we want.

I think I often fight when I shouldn't and run when I should fight. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. It's really pretty simple. If I fight for the things I know I shouldn't and I lose them I haven't really lost. It's like buying cookies I like, but don't love that way I can easily not eat them and stay "skinny." I give up too easily on the things/people I want most because I am afraid that they will figure out that I am not really that great and will leave or hurt me.

I read a quote not that long ago about how when we truly care about someone we show them the truest most intimate and weakest parts of ourselves and then hand them the knife and hope that they won't cut us. It's been a  some time since I really let someone into that aspect of me. I nearly did a short time ago and then looked for an excuse to run..and did just that. I ran. I ran because my "ally" What-If started whispering in my ear again; warning me I could be truly broken by this scenario.
What if my fears are right... what if he doesn't really care... what if I let go and tell the truth about what/how I feel...

what if ..
what if..
what.............if.....

I am a paint by number picture except the numbers seem to be written in Mandarin and I don't understand Mandarin and so I guess instead of asking the right people the right questions.

Here's to leaps of faith...
Here's to letting go fear...
Here's to following my heart.
Here's to fighting for what I desire.