My cup is empty ...

Today I confess that my cup is empty. I confess that after a week of being touched, snuggled, and leaned against by my almost 10 year old- I am touched out. My kind and brilliant man child is literally doing nothing wrong but asking for his relationship bank to be filled. He isn’t demanding. He isn’t rude. He is kind and meek. His yearning for my attention is almost palpable. He wants to be loved and take care of me. He wants to snuggle me. He attempts to put his hand on my face and tell me, “You’re pretty momma,”  and “I love you.” He wants to talk to me and tell me about his day. He wants to look at me and share his life experiences and joy. And I have listened. I have smiled and laughed at the good things. I have asked questions and interacted. And yet, I feel like I haven’t absorbed his attention because I have been so overwhelmed. He is absolutely deserving of my attention. Yet, here I am, knowing I haven’t been the mom he needed. I sit feeling like I have more “uh huh,” “ yeah,” and”okay,” answers than I should have.

I know I have interacted. But I haven’t seen him or his needs for all that they truly are.
Yesterday I raised my voice too loudly when he wanted to lean and crawl in my lap as I was attempting to get up. He didn’t know I was getting up. I didn’t know what he needed in the grand scheme of things.

Tonight my sweet ginger girl didn’t get the best version of me. She got the mom who hummed instead of sang. She got the momma who was frustrated and tired. She got the momma that I pray NOT to be.
Tired. Overwhelmed. Sad. Cranky. And checked out.
She didn’t do a single thing wrong. She wasn’t overly fussy. She wasn’t overly needy. She reached for me. She needed me. She wanted to touch my face and kiss my lips. She wanted to snuggle. She wanted to nurse. She wanted to play with my hair and laugh in my face with the sheer contentment of knowing she is safe and loved. In fact - if I pull back from the mental snapshot and see the bigger landscape view of the picture, it’s really amazing and beautiful. But somehow my focus is pulled in too tightly on the shot and alll I can see is overwhelm, tired, and lack of energy.

Tonight I sit on my bed knowing that I was not the mom I want to be.
Tonight I am drowning in feeling like I have failed them both.
I am very aware that I am not, have not, and can not be the mom I typically put effort into being.
My cup is empty.

The problem with an empty cup is that you can’t pour from it. I can not give more of myself to my children when my cup is empty. I can’t shower them with strength and praise when I am broken and aware of all the ways I am tripped up and failing.

Tonight I need held by someone who isn’t 4 foot tall or shorter. I need someone who is content not talking to me, and to share my space. I don’t want to be “mom.” I want to be Angel. I want to be the person that someone else makes laugh and thinks that they enjoy my presence without me needing to do anything. I need my cup filled. I need to looked  and not be valued for the things I can do and the basic needs of food, shelter, and safety to rest exclusively on my shoulders.

I want loud music.
I want laughter.
I want to be more than just mom.

But instead, I sit feeling like a failure...
 not because my children aren’t fed, warm, safe, and cared for, but rather because you can’t pour from an empty cup..

Tonight as I sit and recollect my day, the highlight was the tiny moment I sat with a tiny boy in my lap and read him a Barney book. It was the most calm and most quiet aspect of my whole day. I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t planning. I was sitting oblivious to the rest of the world- enjoying the stillness of the moment. Because even in my overwhelm and overstimulated...
love found me.

Tomorrow I will refill my cup because you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Single parenting sucks.....the selfishness right out of me

The truth is... I've spent the majority of last night holding my tiny daughter sitting upright and holding her close because she didn't feel great. She would wiggle and crumple. She would twist and snuggle. Me holding her was the only thing to allow her to relax some and sleep some while handling gas and tummy complaints.

Normally this is where people tell you it was a terrible night and I'm cranky and tired and .... insert tirade here. And if I told you any of those things - I'd be a bold faced liar. Frankly, yesterday was emotionally draining on a level I can only compare to super heroes after they've saved New York from alien attackers, and the act of comforting such a tiny perfect girl and her crazy red hair calmed my nerves. She is everything perfect, and nothing like me. She hates mornings. She prefers male voices on the radio. She hates to be bundled up and her need to stretch her legs out- is legendary and been going in for the literal majority of her life.

Everything outside of my body says I should be bitter and mad. Movies, books, and social media cast flashlight streams of "knowledge" about how I should be reacting. All the people who insult and demean the "villainous" other parent. On a open book level- I am not bitter or angry. If you've ever had any conversations with me past "what's your favorite color?" Or "what's your stance on appropriate toppings on a banana split?" You'd know that handling things calmly and rationally is my last approach and then only after epic freak out mode and blubbering ugly face snotty nose 3 year who's blanket was eaten by the washing machine mess have already occurred. Yet, somehow I am totally in awe of this perfect girl and her dimples squishing chubby face.

I want to be selfish. I want to hold on to the feeling of total overwhelm and complete heart break the 2nd night in the hospital. The bathroom light casting a vulgar yellow glow in the empty hospital room. She and I alone and listening to the sounds of people walking along the hallway and each other breathing. I felt like I was sitting in a giant bathtub of my emotions and someone had pulled the drain plug out and the emotional water to my weigh ratio made me feel pulled towards sinking into the drain and also overtly heavy and clammy. I wanted to call up her dad and tell him he was a fool because she was amazing and her head still smelled like what I think heaven must smell like. I didn't. Instead I sobbed and mourned the idea that someday she would get to dance on her dad's feet to bad music, I mourned the moment she wouldn't have a dad to take to donuts with dad, I mourned the 194858493 times I wanted her to hear from him how perfect and beautiful she is so that she can see her value in his eyes. I wanted him to be the one who taught her the things I am absolutely terrible at. And so, in an empty hospital room- I sobbed.

And yet- I am not mad. I am not bitter. I am still in shock that she exsists. I am beyond afraid that I am not enough to give her everything she needs. I am absolutely scared to death to do this. I have practiced the answers I will tell her if he chooses to stay outside of her life. "I'm sorry baby girl, he was scared that he couldn't handle being a dad to you.""He is a good guy, but made the wrong choice."  "He just wasn't ready and didn't know how perfect you are" and a thousand rounds of "I'm sorry I can't fix it." Because I believe that kids absorb all the negative you speak about the other side of their genetics so I choose to speak life and apologies and not hatred and ugly.

I will not speak ill will. I will choose happiness. I choose to parent with intention and mercy.
I choose to put my kids above my hurt feelings. I choose to love them as fiercely as two parents.

Being a single parent sucks ....
And it sucks the selfishness right out of me.

Mud, Muck, and I love you enough...The ugly parts of life

Tonight my sweet munchkin went on his "man date" with his dad and returned COVERED head to brand new shoes in thick stinky mud... I knew about 7 min before the munchkin walked into the house that he was filthy due to the text from dad, "The boy will need a bath when he gets home."

After nearly 20 years of knowing his dad, I knew it was not going to be a pretty sight walking in.
I was more than prepared for whatever state of man mess that the boy was coming in as. I was NOT prepared for the nearly an inch thick gooey mud on his 2 week old new shoes. I had the boy strip down and started the shower to have him hose down. As I walked towards the bathroom, I realized I had left Netflix playing and asked the boy to pause it for me.

"Of course mom, I love you enough to do that for you."

I love you enough....His reply caught me in my tracks and reminded of something very big.

The thing is, sometimes I forget that in the middle of a hard day, that I love him enough to be the momma he NEEDS regardless of what he deserves or how hard my day is.

Then later as I scrubbed the mud off the new shoes for the 6th round, I said the words in my head, " I love you enough to scrub the mud off your shoes without complaint." The idea that cleaning shoes is an act of love had never occurred to me. As I stood there, a giant foaming mess of mud and grapefruit scented dish soap, there is no other emotion big enough to make me continue to scrub. This is the first week of state testing for my child. It's also been a week where he hasn't had outdoor recess due to rain and bad weather and his wild soul NEEDED the feel the wind and freedom. I did ASK his dad to help him find some physical release because I knew the boy needed it. I assumed he would go an indoor area or something. Either way, I was not involved in the decision. The other parent made it. For sake of better co-parenting, I am going to assume dad was truly trying to do just as a asked...even if the follow through left me less than happy.

As I scrubbed the stink and goo off the shoes the water helped wash away my cranky. Was I thrilled to be turning my fingers to prunes over shoes? Nope. If I had been asked, is this the outlet for the boy I would have chosen? Nope. Did the boy absolutely need one, yup. Did the mud and muck hurt the boy? Not in the slightest, in fact, it helped release some of his need to conquer and survive on a small man scale version of nature and wilderness.

As the end of school approaches, as a teacher, I am tired. My heart and body are weary from writing lesson plans and carrying my students' life stories in my rib cage near my heart to be protected and remembered on hard days. I am tired of begging them to work to their full capacity. I go through the grieving process nearly every morning when my alarm clock goes off and I have to heave my warm snuggled self out of bed. I am not tired of believing in them, but I am tired of them hearing without listening. I am not tired of saying 151530251 times a day how much I love them even on the days I say the hard things, "I do not like you right now, but I still love you." I am tired of begging teenagers to not just coast at life but reach their potential. My battery is nearly empty.  I am exhausted.

I love you enough... How often do we forget to take care of things and people because while we care for them, we do not put in "enough" effort to take care of their needs. How often would we rather focus on our own self and not someone else? Do you go above and beyond what is asked of you and help others? Are you the person others go to in order to get help?

Do you care about others enough to risk losing time, energy, etc on them?
Do you put yourself at risk for lack of sleep for them?
Do you care for others enough to hold them accountable to their true amazingness even when they are cranky or give you the cold shoulder?

What are you willing to give up or risk because "I love you enough..."?

Failure is the hardest F word to handle

Failure is the most awful F word I can imagine being hit with. Being insulted or cussed out are minor. Being told I'm fat or ugly, fine. I can be called stupid or lazy- while they will get a response, to be called a failure is something far more hurtful. Maybe it's not just that we are "failing." Maybe it is has a much deeper root.

Failure is harder because it also reminds you of all the hopes and dreams you had. You are aware that you let yourself or someone else down- then add to that the reminder that you have to let go of the hope that you will get past this. Let go of the dream that everything will be alright in the end.
Failure is admitting you didn't succeed at something then having your hopes and dreams remind you that it was more than just the lack of success. You have to unclench your fist and face your heartache and loss.

According to the dictionary,
Failure: (N) 1. Lack of success. 2. the action or state of not functioning. Synonyms include: defeat, breaking down, collapse, malfunction, crash, and unfulfillment. I think the synonyms are spot on and just as telling about how failure feels as the definition itself. It's not just that we haven't succeeded. It's more like feeling like we are drowning in the deep end of the pool of failure. We can smell the defeat like chorine in the pool before the gush of breaking down fills our mouths. We gag and sputter on the malfunction that we are experiencing. We feel hopeless and like collapse is the only thing we can do. There is nothing to hold us up. We can't see past the waves or ripples of knowing we crashed and were not successful.

Knowing we have failed is like sitting on the train tracks, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and wanting to sit and wait to see if it will run us over. We know it is coming. We know that we can't fix it. Nothing about failure is comfortable. Facing the fact that we are not successful and were unable to achieve whatever it was that we wanted is hard, add to it failing someone else and the person we face in the mirror seems so far from who we want to see. When people we care about fail us, we struggle with handling how to reconcile the perfect image in our heads of who they are to us. They become fallible and we are able to see them in the raw realness of humanity.

If you google "failure," you will find tons of  warm and fuzzy life affirming quotes about not letting it hold you back. Sonya Patterson says, "Don't let yesterday's failures and mistakes stop you from chasing success today." What if we stop treating failure as a the pool of defeat and start treating it like a book. Some moments of our life are not our entire life story. We acknowledge the failure; we grieve the defeat. Then, like the end of a particularly hard to understand story, we CLOSE THE BOOK. The lessons we learned from the failure remains with us. It becomes apart of our education of life. Ultimately, we allow ourselves to grow past our short comings. We stop mourning the mistakes and the lost dreams and we close the book. It's not a plot twist, it's a complete and ended book.

Failure hurts because we must face our mistakes and the loss of dreams that we had HOPED would occur after our "success." But sometimes, it's time to close the book and stop beating ourselves up over our crash, shelf it and open a new book.

"There's no place like home..." but where is HOME?

Where is your home? Is it the place you sleep  when your day is through? Is it where you display photographs of loved ones? What do you think about when you hear the word "home?" Is it your refuge? Is it the place you hide from your demons? What makes one place "home" and another "away from home?"

One of the first things that I do when I move into a new place is set up the bed, put toilet paper in the bathroom, and put decorations on the walls. I know it might sound trivial to others, but for me, it's part of making it my space. Somehow by me moving my things and "marking it" it transforms from an empty shell to my space. For me, the magic is in the memories I bring and use to decorate. Does it change the overall feeling of the place instantly? No, but it removes the stark emptiness. It's like candle in dark room. The small act of decoration lights up the space.

Maybe it has something to do with taking ownership over the space. Parents name their children names that are family names, or names that give them a warm feeling, or names they hope will sent them apart from others making their children unique from all the world. When you take ownership over some place- are we not doing the same thing? You are claiming the space; setting it apart from all others. The label of your stuff makes it yours.

What about places that you know are temporary in your life? Why do they not feel as home like? I think it has something to do with the fact that you have to fill them. You have to feel love within the walls. It might not be the touch of your lover or best friend. Maybe you need to hear someone who cares about you say how much you matter to them within the space. Memories and moments and laughter need to be let loose to chase away the cobwebs of stale. You need to know that no matter what is said- you at still safe.

So what make a place home? I think it's making memories, and sharing your dreams, feeling love and feeling safe and content within the walls. It's not just where you sleep.... it's the fact that you reach out for your loved one in the bed. It's the fact that the towels smell like your laundry detergent. It's that the pillow cases smell like the people you love's shampoo. Home is more than four walls and a feeling of safety. It's knowing that even when you are alone- you aren't an island. You are tethered to others.

For many, home is not four walls and a roof....
-its the arms of someone who would go through hell and high water for you,
-its the way the person who loves you looks at you when you're a hot mess and still sees someone they love.
-it's the laughter in the kitchen at random moments,
-it's the words said to praise and nurture.

Home wasn't ever a place.

You should never have a kid.... but if you do...

When I got married the first time at 21, I was sure that I never really wanted kids. And if somehow the adorable dimples of the man I was with, convinced me, I was even more convinced that I couldn't possibly ever love any child that wasn't female. I was convinced my life would probably be better off without any offspring. I was even against getting a dog. I was more than content to have my nieces over and love on them and then SEND them back. I loved my ginormous 20 lbs of cat, Dante. I was more than content to share my space with him, but the overwhelming desire to share my DNA and finances further was a quick NOPE.

The thing is ... I never just a moment back then where I smelled the intoxicating baby smell and had to talk my ovaries down. I didn't picture myself pushing strollers or naming tiny humans that were half me. I gave my pets full names, middle included, but never even dreamed of what something that was a branch on my family tree would look like. It's not how I was put together.

Then my best friend called me on the phone and discussed babies. We decided to throw out our birth control away on the phone together. Peer pressure at it's finest! (totally serious.)

The thing is .... I was pregnant within 45days of throwing it away. I had the easiest, most fun, and smoothest pregnancy; no sickness, no swelling, no complaints. I loved it. And then....I hit 43 weeks and no one wants to spend any time with me for fear I would "accidentally" have a kid. I finally beg the doctor to induce and 26 hours, 2 epidurals, and one very fat nearly 10lb baby later. I was holding someone who was half of my genetics. I have never been more scared of failing in my entire life. I felt helpless and ashamed that I wasn't able to calm and comfort him within the first 5 min of meeting him outside his belly home. I was overwhelmed. I was tired. I was feeling broken that I wasn't able to "instinctively" fix everything and make him feel safe. Eventually he calmed down and we took the best nap of my life.

But something changed in me after that. I finally understood what it felt like to have my heart outside my body. I felt my heart nearly explode when he hurt. I was thankful for the cage of my ribs to keep my heart from lashing outside of myself  and shredding someone when I felt that he was in danger or threatened.

I fell in love with thinking up ways to care for and nurture my son. I worked to build his character and show him love beyond understanding. I made intentional choices to tell him that nothing could or would every stop my love for him. I think of the correct words for discipline to correct behavior without crushing the spirit. I remind myself that he is someone's future husband and father. This man that I am raising isn't mine. He is a future member of society. If I fail him- it's not just a bad parenting moment. I don't get to hit reset and fix my mistakes. I admit my mistakes and apologize to him. I work to communicate why and how I need him to behave.

And somewhere in the middle- I found out that he alone is my greatest accomplishment. I have degrees. I have been needed. But raising my child is truly the one thing in my life that I am the most proud of.  He is smart and witty. He is compassionate. He is stubborn and amazes me with the way that he approaches the world. I didn't know that I could be willing and able to hold a puking child before him. I never knew that him learning to write his name would make me so proud and shatter my heart that he was growing up. I never knew I would be proud to have survived a single week with a newborn. I had no idea that I would be able to map the freckles on his body with my eyes closed and look across the room and know if he was sick just by seeing his eyes. I never knew I could look it his green eyes first thing in the morning and gauge the quality of the rest of my day depending on how dark or light the intensity of the green is. Dark green and all the deepest most ornery parts of him are going to battle me and make me question every single oz of my ability to be a decent parent.

I never knew what I was missing- until I found it. I guess I'm saying, you should never have a kid unless you are willing and able to give up your ideas about love and devotion. Because the moment you have a kid- your ideas about love change.



 

You aren't hard to love.

People who tell you that you are difficult to love are liars. The truth is, you are NOT hard to love.
Everyone has redeeming qualities. Everyone has things that make them attractive to someone else... you just need to find people who are a fit to your puzzle of complicated. The real problem is that some people do not want to love you for you. They do not respect your needs or desires and want you to fit in a little box.

From what I have learned about life, love, and relationships; people are complex. We need to feel loved and needed- that is simple. How we understand and accept love- that is located more closely to the deep end of the ocean.

Some need to be held and touched and praised while others need to acts of service to feel that other person is giving for them. Your own needs are your needs. I like to think of it simply. Some people are attracted to blondes, some people swoon over dimples, and others notice eyes. Your ability to be turned on and feel desire to share time and company with someone is who you are. The same is true that you need to be given love how you feel loved. I could care less about gifts. Money is not something I focus on. I feel guilt from people spending too much on me. I think of how hard the other people had to work to purchase it, I consider if they should have spent the money on something they needed for themselves or possibly their kids. I literally get guilt about a lot of gifts. I need touch. I
am pretty sure I was a puppy in a past life. When I don't feel good I like my tummy rubbed and my hair played with. I like end of the day hugs at the door like some silly 1950's type sitcom. As I think about it, that probably reinforces the puppy theory.

Some people will attempt to make fun of you for wanting to receive love how you receive love. That's the same nonsense of telling parents of newborn babies not to "overly" hold them. Touch is a basic need even for brand new tiny humans. Research has shown that when people touch people that they love their blood pressure levels and their heart rate maintains a constant and even rhythm.

You are not hard to love. You will always be seen as hard to love by people who don't love the real you. When I am overwhelmed and at the end of my rope, there are only like 3 people who I feel safe and comfortable touching me. Everyone else makes me mad or upset. Those 3 people though- I could lay down beside and not speak and be content even on my worst day.

When people don't respect you and your needs- they push you. They demand you love them as they see fit. They don't try to find a safe and comfortable place for both of you. How you need and receive love is apart of you as your fingerprint.
You can not fully feel love in ways that don't feel like love to you.

If someone is tells you that you are hard to love- they lie. You are only hard to love by people who don't love you but love what you can do for them.

"He was my first ..." communication and the power of words ...

Language is powerful. Not always in a big red button of distruction sort of way. The fact that as humanity we can use a simple phrase and change someone else's life.
Ex: "she was my best friend" It's a simple sentence. Depending on your own life and experiences you could have read it very differently .... Who is the she?
-Did she just die ?
-Did something happen to your friendship and you're no longer friends?
-Did you did you read the sentence as if it were yelled because your significant other cheated?
-Did you hear with rainbows & music in the background as a reason to commit your life to hers?
-Was it a threat to someone you think might cause her harm and they need to know the lengths that you would go to hell and back for her?

 Another example of the power of simple phrases : "he was my first ..."
-Was he your first baby daddy ?
-Your first customer?
-Your first table that you waited on as a server?
-Was he one night stand?
-Your first love?
-Your first tattoo ?
-Your first sexual experience ?
-Your first heartbreak?
-Your first child ?
-Your first pregnancy ?
We literally completely change the meaning of a single sentence depending on what your life and your experiences. There's a huge difference between spoken word and written word- tone.

What about the phrase, "I'll be waiting." Is it the end of the date so your best friend can rehash everything that happened? To get revenge on someone who is caused you ill? For payment? Are you a mom picking up your kids after school? Are you a significant other waiting on your loved one to return home from duty, from a fire, from a third world country without running water? In the waiting room at the end of a surgery to find out if they're going to survive?  Are you waiting for a call back or text back ? Are you someone waiting at the end of runway for someone to get off the plane & he's never coming to see you?  Are you waiting for someone to come home? Are you waiting for someone who is never going to come back to you?

We teach kids that words are powerful . We make our children say they are sorry and apologize for their wrong doings. We make them admit they have done something before the apology can make a difference.  We teach them that "it's not okay to treat our friends like that." And somewhere between being kids and becoming full fledged adults,we lose sight of that fact that words have power. We stop saying I love you to our friends and only jokingly say it to the barista making coffee at Starbucks. We stop making effort. We don't call our parents as much as we should. We don't tell our siblings that we are proud of their accomplishments.

But the truth is - we do love our families and we are proud of the things our siblings do. We know that even though the words "I'm sorry" doesn't fix the things we mess up - it does open the door for healing. We went our kids to grow up and become happy healthy members of society - but are giving them the tool of language to communicate to others ? Are you telling your friends you enjoy time with them ? Are you communicating that you are struggling and need to vent?

I do not admit that I have problems very easily. If I am willing to admit I have a problem, I TRUST SOMEONE. My ability to admit weakness and failure is even more limited ... but if I don't tell other people when I need help, they may not know I need it .

Admit when you mess up.
Accept weakness- in yourself and others.
Take care of people.
Give people the benefit of doubt when you don't know what they meant
Tell people when they do good.
Care about people.
Stop hiding and let people into your world ....
but mostly ...
say the things that you need to ...
Stop making people read between the lines!
Say what you need. Say what you mean.

Ps:
You matter .
You make my life more entertaining.
Thank you for being there. I'll be here when you need me

"In the name of love..."

Listening to the radio on the way home from school today I started pondering about all the thing people have done "in the name of love."

I thought about the husbands and wives who have held the their spouse's hand in the hospital and the love and devotion that it would take to be there as a rock for your spouse. You are witnessing someone you love most, hurting or sick. You are the calm and peace during a storm in their life. I thought of the fake smiles and warm hugs given to bring comfort. The ones fighting hard. The ones broken knowing this fight will not be won. I thought of families in hospital rooms making choices to remove life sustaining support. These are not light or easy choices. These actions are done in love.

I considered all the wars fought to protect loved ones in hopes that their sacrifice would be enough. The sacrifice of their families who do not get to kiss their loved ones goodnight or snuggle peacefully next to the warm body of their loved ones. The love being stretched thin across the miles and time zones. I thought of the families who move to where the military takes them. I consider those who step in place of others to prevent their demise. These are things done in sacrifice and love.

I think of the parents who work hard to provide for their children. The parents who sit up nights when their child is sick knowing they have to work the next day. The dads who play dress up and tea parties with their princess'. The moms who learn names of dinosaurs and the correct pronunciation to help feed their son's devotion to all things Jurassic or Crustaceous. The families who save nickels and dimes for vacations to build memories. The moms and dads who hold their babies and feel their heart melt down to their toes. The feeling of knowing that not only would you sacrifice for your child- but if anyone tried to hurt them, the lengths of violence you would go though to save and protect them. The fear and worry that you aren't doing enough. The desire to give your child a future that is happy.These are things done in love.

I think back on teachers and educators who have given up time and money to provide lessons they hoped who make a lasting impression on the minds of their students. I think to some of the teachers who held me accountable and made me love learning. I think of Mrs. Kennedy and her "life lessons" she sprinkled in with her essays, Shakespeare, and English lessons. I think of Sra. Wilhite and her drive to not just teach the Spanish in the book but also make our very entitled group of kids see the world around us and think about the lives of foreign countries. Coach Picklo and all the many, many cool dissections and explanations in Anatomy/Physiology. He explained synapses and cells with us running around the room passing off dry erase markers to signify things being passed between them. I think to about all the boring reading logs and half done effort I put into all my AP English classes. Ironically- many of the books that we read back then, saved me. They made me feel less alone. They gave words to express the struggle in my head. They provided the outlet for all the crazy and drama of my life. These teachers didn't put up with us because it was easy. I remember the hell and torture many of my senior class caused our school system. They had to love us. Their ability to show up every day and put up with our rough edges of learning and growth- that is absolutely love.

I think of all my friends who have somehow known the exact thing to say or NOT to say when I NEEDED them most. The poor souls who spoke truth to me even when I wouldn't admit it was truth. They accepted my hard days and bad attitudes. People who have handled my overly stressed and incredibly hangry. I do not handle change. I do not always admit when I need help. I am stubborn beyond what word or even puppets can explain. And yet, there are people who have reached out to me to stand in the gap between my struggle and my sanity. I am not easy to love and yet I am blessed and loved beyond my understanding.

I pondered that so many people give their time and energy in the name of love. How do we even begin to find or create words that explain sacrifice and love?

Tomorrow is Valentines. Truth is, Valentines reminds me of my mother. Her sitting on the sidelines of cold football games to see me. Driving to basketball games and cheering for me regardless of winning or losing. Attending band functions, choir shows, and Speech and Debate competitions all over the state. I think of her getting up and snuggling me in my bed on the weekends in middle school and high school just to talk and catch up with life. I think of all the times she argued with my VERY strong willed teenage self and never backed down. I think of her getting up EXTRA early on Valentines days to drive to allllllll the immediate family member's homes to put bags full of red underwear on our porches. She said everyone deserved pretty undies on Valentines. I'm positive she and God have had more than few "discussions" about me over the years.  I make her crazy. I also know that my momma loves me. I am sure I will never know all the tings she has done for me "in the name of love."

So my question to you- Are you telling people they matter? Do your actions show love?
What are you doing in the name of love for people important to you?

For better or For Worse- PARENTING

Everyone is pretty familiar with marriage vows, but not many people consider applying those same promises to having children....

"to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

Now apply that to how you raise your child. Are you loving and cherishing them? Are you caring for them mentally and physically regardless of their views on religion or love? Are you concerned for their well being even when you do not agree with their choices?

BY NO MEANS am I saying parents are to be fiscally responsible for their offspring for the entire duration of their life! I do know that there have been times in my life when I choose to love, honor, and make sure my son felt cherished even if I had to work extra hard or save extra long. I believe that memories are something I can pass down to my child.

Many people are comfortable saying that "blood is thicker" and claiming family when it is easy. What about when your heart is broken for and/or by them? Do you choose love? Do your words and actions reflect the same overwhelmingly crushing love as when you held them for the first time? Even if their arrival into the world was not apart of YOUR intentions at that moment- the entire universe and stars in the heavens had to align so that during the very tiny window that a woman is ovulating that everything worked out to allow this tiny human to exist. The world needed their  existence for some good that is greater than you. Maybe they are hear to lead people and change thousands of peoples' lives. Maybe they are here to inspire someone who will be kinder and more gentle to others.  Whether you are able to see the ripple of effect that you ( or they) have- there is a ripple. Our lives are not lived isolated without any interaction. Our lives are touched, shaped, grown, and moved by the ripples of others who have touched us both positively or negatively.

If parenthood had vows- I do not think they would be that much different than the vows of commitment that most people say during a wedding. As a parent I often feel as though my hear tis walking around outside my body. I am proud when my succeeds. I feel the desire to protect and comfort him when he fails- and sometimes allowing him to fall and learn to get up is harder for me to allow than the lesson he is learning. I want him to grow to be a good man who loves his family and kisses his babies goodnight.

I dream of him being the kid of man whose kids run to him after work. I parent and nurture him hoping that the man I am going to eventually send into the world will be protective and stand in the gaps of other's weakness and gentle to those who need it. I am raising a husband and a father. There is not a "little boy" that sleeps in his room- but rather a developing man.

Are you taking your rolls as parent seriously? You are raising our future generations. You are raising the people who will change the world .

Are your actions as a parent going to help or hurt ?

Because "for better or for worse" you are the main difference.

New Years is for quitters

Many people write new year resolutions. They vow to stop doing things like smoking and to start doing things like eat veggies and exercise. I don't make resolutions with the new year. I don't know too many people who have been successful when it comes to them and I do not want to feel badly about myself for returning to things that I've been surviving doing. I do think that people need to declutter.

I come from a long line of hoarders and pack rats. I have had to work at adjusting and limiting myself to what I "keep" and deem as important. I do mean declutter as in tangible things that one can hold and touch....But what if we started removing clutter from our hearts and thoughts. I believe that people can not grow and become the person that they are destined to be if they are being held back by mental boxes filled with old broken pieces of ourselves.

Can you become a fully involved love to someone if you are holding onto things like bitterness and anger over past choices that they have made? Why allow the other person to live rent free inside your head and hold any kind of power of your thoughts. If you are holding those feelings, you are limiting the space inside your emotions. How can you grow into someone kind and giving if you spend your free time trying to replay previous things other people have said to you? Will you truly be able to be the best version of yourself if you are fertilizing your thoughts with hatred, bitterness, and anguish?

Instead of making ANOTHER year's resolution about eating mashed cauliflower every single week - why not unpack the hatred of others? Remove the emotions that keep you cranky and throw them away. Pack away the people who do not belong within the limited space of your thoughts and send them away for good. Unseal the tape on the boxes in your head filled with worries and fears. Your head only has so much time and processing power- clean it like a computer of all the "bugs" that are limiting you. Stop holding yourself back with regret and mistakes. Acknowledge the past, apologize and ask for forgiveness- and move the regret and mistakes out of your head.

Purge yourself of anything that keeps your internal dialog mean or cruel. No one deserves to make you feel bad about yourself or your  past mistakes long term - especially yourself. You alone are the secretary that allows these thoughts into the "boss" of your brain. Stop permitting all the dark and ugly in.

Would you rather fill your head with wonder and amazement or worry and atonement over things that have already been dealt with?

You hold the keys to the clutter inside your own head- allow it to take up space or clean it out.

New Years is for quitters. Quit allowing what you do not want inside your head to control your thoughts and mental health.

touch

As defined by Webster's dictionary,
TOUCH: a. to put your hands, fingers, etc on someone or something. b.to be in contact with something. c. to change or move (something)

I am a firm believer that touch changes people; positively and negatively. On a simple basic need, babies need touch and attention to prevent failure to thrive. Parents of preemies and newborns are often encouraged to do "kangaroo care" skin to skin contact to help the baby regulate heart rate and temperature. According to the research,  there are no negative side effects of the skin to skin contact. So why is it that as we grow and become more "enlightened" we stop thinking that we as humans need touch?

Touch can be casual and simple, the walk by, hand on the shoulder of a friend. I walk though the hallways in the high school, and squeeze the forearm of my former  kiddos in the hallway as I walk though the hoards of students. They smile and often say how much they miss me or how much they love me etc. I am quickly and quietly letting them know that I see them. One arm squeeze to acknowledge their presence.

I say all this to explain- touch is a form of love.

Yes, in the obvious love, sex, and rock and roll kinda way.

Yes, in the peace bringing way that happens when you panicked and need someone to hold your hand.

Yes, in the crowded room and someone who cares about you reaches out and touches you- gingerly. In fact, most people in the room might not have even noticed. The touch could have almost been played off as a passing by moment  needed to make one's way through  gesture. However, both side of the touch felt it.

Yes, in the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I physically need someone stronger than me to hold me - the holder encloses the "weak" person, bearing the weight, bearing the pain, bearing the overwhelm, all the chaos and bad things are still there but the tide is held back by this one moment of being hugged and held. There is something life changing about being apart of one of these moments. If you are the one holding- the pain is almost tangible. You feel the other person break. This break allows them to begin to rebuild and find their bearings. Holding in the pain and overwhelm is exhausting. But what most people don't realize is how much strength it takes to hold in the pain. How hard it is to be vulnerable. How much faith and trust you have to put in someone before you can allow yourself to break to that extent.

Research shows that blood pressure is lowered when someone you love touches you. How amazing it is that on an anatomical level your body responds to basic touch. Your health and well-being are literally improved with touch.

I have a student in my 7th hour, each and every day that makes a special effort to come and give me a genuine warm hug every single day before our last hour of the day. I didn't realize how much of an effect it had on me until this last Wednesday. On Wednesday, we met in the computer lab to work on typing our essays. I went to take roll, and realized I had not had my hug from her. My first thought was that she was absent and my heart sank.  Her one single hug in my day recharges my battery.

One single hug missed in the course of my 161 students and I noticed it.

Touch matters.

"Joseph, were you prepared?" The OTHER parent's POV

It's Christmas Eve Eve, and it got me to thinking, everyone discusses Mary and her having Jesus. We even have the song, "Mary, Did you know?" However, there are  more parents involved in the story than just Mary. How many people have contemplated Joseph's point of view?

Joseph was engaged to Mary. They were planning a life and a future. They were dreaming about how their life would be. Imagine being madly in love with someone and all the plans you make while you are on the cusp of your "forever"... Once you have started dreaming about a future with someone you contemplate if you're a good match. You consider their needs and their role within your life. You mentally dream about if you'll have kids, pets, where you will have a home, how you will share your responsibilities within your home and family.

Then there is a wrench thrown into the mix. Something outside of your control that effects your relationship with your love. "Joseph...your fiancé is pregnant. It is not yours." And an angel comes to you to tell you that you need to stay involved with this woman. You need to continue to love and cherish her. You are to help raise a child that is not your blood. You must parent someone else's child. You are a bystander to this life in some aspects because it is not your child. This child that needs you to help care for and love it. You are in love with a woman who is going to go through pain and agony to birth someone whom you are to responsible for, but can't totally claim as yours.

The thing is, Joseph was thrown into the mix of parenthood. He inherited a child to feed, clothe, discipline, love, and raise as his own... all the while aware that it wasn't his child... and yet, was his child.

Any adult who willingly stepped up and accepted becoming the parent to a child,  maybe you understand Joseph's shoes. Co-parents, step parents, bonus parents etc. who help love and guide a child that they do not share DNA with understands that it is very hard to find your place within the child's life. You have to attempt to prove your love for this tiny human. You give of your time, your energy, your heart to someone that you can not help but love and yet, you often stay in the shadows as your aren't "the parent." You hurt when the child hurts. You would fight tigers and bears if need be because this child is family just the same. You scare away bad dreams and bullies. You wash off scraped knees just as any other parent would. You metaphorically carry the weight of this child.

Joseph had to bear the weight of the rumors about Mary. Joseph had to bear the scandal and the pain that Mary did, but he willingly chose to stay beside her. He chose to lead his family. He chose to love and cherish both Mary and Jesus knowing that it would not be an easy life.

Did he "know" how hard it would be to love and raise a child that was and yet wasn't his own when he stayed with Mary? I think he *thought* he knew. But maybe, the answer is far more complicated. Maybe it's like childbirth. We have an idea of how it will be to birth a child. People can tell us what it will entail. We can read books and watch movies about the pain and hardship about it, but until we are in the moment, we don't have a clue. Maybe that is the place were grace and love take over. All the unknowns are washed over with love until we are there in the moment and the only choice we have is love itself.

I think Joseph had an inkling of an idea. I do believe that he knew it would be hard, just as anyone who stepped up to love someone else's child knows it will not be easy. I think that Joseph knew that the child needed him. Let that sink in.... a child who is innocent and helpless needs you. You don't get to walk away from that kind of need. Someone else needs you. Someone who can not thrive without your help, needs you. Joseph did have a choice. He choose love.

We are never ever totally prepared for kids. We are even less prepared to love and care for a child that we never knew we needed in our life.

To all the step parents, co-parents, bonus parents, and people who volunteer to raise children who are not your own, thank you for choosing to love.

Unbreakable

"I am not unbreakable..."

The strongest people I know are NOT unbreakable. If I were to be totally honest - they are broken. Many of them have been shattered in many ways. They have experienced heartache. They have endured pain. They have held loss and disappointment. They have seen and experienced things that people would avoid if they were given a single second to choose.

Maybe we have gotten it all wrong over the years. Maybe we are all stronger after being broken. On a physical aspect, the human body overproduces calcium to protect the places we have broken in an attempt to heal. The side effect of the healing is that the area is stronger at the site of the break due to the body covering the breakage. In theory, the spot where it was previously broken can not be broken there again. It is reinforced. It has been covered. There are similarities when it comes to muscles and soft tissue as well. Once a muscle or soft tissue has been injured the body "reacts" and tightens around it in order to protect us from hurting ourselves more. This is why injuries require so much physical therapy, once we are hurt and injured, we have to physically work the pain and overprotectiveness out of our body to allow it to return to normal. This is not an instant healing but requires effort. It is not easy and often is painful.

Our minds, emotions, character, and personality are much the same as our physical bodies. After we have experienced life changing moments that break us, we are not the same. We are changed and "reinforce" ourselves in an attempt not to be broken in the same places or in the same ways. We hide our soft places and injured thoughts behind baggage. We take the rejection and pain and cover it to reinforce ourselves against being hurt in the same way. We pull ourselves tight. We reject other's advances and attempts to help us heal for fear that we will have to experience an emotional version of physical therapy. We are often able to see the pain and broken inside of ourselves; however, the fear of allowing the vulnerability to return is often more painful than the initial injury. Our hearts are calloused not from lack of want but from covering and reinforcing the hurt places. We hide our emotions and try to be void of softness.

Some of these walking wounded are so damaged that they see genuine love and devotion but the fear of pain tightens close like the laces on a boxing glove. Their heart laced beneath the layers of glove. The vulnerability hidden beneath the desire to fight and secure one's safety. Unless we are willing to let the gloves come off, stop the fighting, and peel back all the layers of tape and allow our hearts to return to vulnerable- we remain fighters. Hiding our true selves doesn't change who we are, but rather it changes other people's ability to see the previously broken places, the scars of who we are. Scars are not flags of failure. Our scars are a tapestry of places we held on until our bodies gave way when our determination and will held on. Breaking and healing is not failure. It is enduring past when our external strength had reached its limits.

Many women have stretch marks. I don't think I know a single woman who is genuinely happy to have them. I think Kat Williams describes them better than anyone else, "Either you was big and got small, or you was small and got big..." Stretch marks are your skin literally stretching to the point of tearing. Your body was enduring something that requires such a drastic change that it physically couldn't endure and tore...and yet, here you are still enduring more.

Anyone can be a blank slate. Blank slates are bland and forgettable. I think we are more like the Japanese idea of kintsukuroi. Once a piece of pottery is broken, they do not trash it for being broken. The broken and cracks are not shunned and hidden from others. Instead the broken places are filled with gold or silver. The cracks make the pottery stronger and more beautiful as they are replaced and filled with gold or silver. The pottery becomes more than the simple boring piece it once was.

I believe we are the same, we become more precious and more valuable once we have been broken.  Broken people are stronger and more precious like the kintsukuroi bowls. The cracks are still there. They may have been healed and/or repaired even.

The cracks remain, but the soul is stronger.
Being unbreakable doesn't make you stronger - being broken, enduring hardships, surviving loss, remaining steadfast when the storms of life crack, chip, and bend you to the point that you are changed makes you stronger.

Why do you write?

I've had people ask what makes me write. I love words. I love reading them. I write for 1,001 reasons, including but not limited to...

I write because I use words to process things. So many times I have been trying to process life and find myself overwhelmed. I need words. I like the feel of making the written word. I like reading back over it. Letting my eyes wash over the words and decide if I need to move certain phrases down for more impact or just cut them out entirely. There is something about knowing my brain was the inventor of thoughts that I can hold and reminisce about- that brings me joy. I make decisions better in writing. Pro's and con's inscribed on paper or glowing hollow in the computer light as I hear the clickity clack of  the words transform from ghosts of ideas in my skull to skeletons of dreams that continue to evolve and grow into poetry, lyrics, blogs, or stories. It does more than help me. It's cathartic and purges "the crazy" so that what seemed giant and scary and bigger than life in my thoughts now is something I can hold and turn over in my hands.

I write because I am nothing special. I have lived a life with some rather "unusual " plot twists, but so has every one else. Every one has close call stories. Stories of heartbreak, defeat, sadness, near death, and anguish aren't really that odd but rather the usual. I'd like to shamefully think that my words matter.  I figure maybe if I can explain some of my experience in writing someone else won't feel as alone. That maybe the person who thinks there is NO ONE else who has lived through "this"- whatever "this" might be- can see that there is someone else out there who has experienced it and overcame it, that maybe they can rest more easily.

I write because I am so very vanilla and boring that I think that with words I can color myself interesting. I think that maybe I can give someone the courage to continue to fight for themselves.

I write because I have experienced some of the most defining moments of  my life:
-The overwhelming feeling of terror when the plump red headed nurse handed me my son and he wouldn't stop crying. I remember sitting there staring into this tan screaming face thinking, "I messed up ." I worried that I had already failed at parenting and I had only had a child for a few hours. I starting panicking thinking that I was going to be the one responsible for keeping this tiny human alive and I couldn't even shower unsupervised or give him comfort.
-the first day of teaching where I felt myself shake in my sandals as I stood before a group of twenty something 8th graders thinking that there is no way I know what I'm doing . I felt so very small and inadequate. What if I do a terrible job? What if they hate me? What if I'm not really the best person to do this? I can still remember the clothes I had on, the weight of the necklace I made the night before feeling like a prize for the most foolish hanging from my neck. Student teaching felt like wading into the shallow end of a small pool. I felt safe. Standing in the front of my own classroom with no back up, no mentor teacher to help me felt like falling out of a helicopter into a lake where I wasn't sure where the bottom was. Three hours later, I was addicted to the feeling of teenagers looking to me for guidance and inspiration. I felt like an actor on the stage. I had to grab their attention. I needed to perform the introduction of the lesson like an opening monologue. Three weeks later and I was addicted to the feelings of pride and inspiration I got from seeing them grow and learn and become better. Eleven years later and it still feels like a stage when I stand at the front of my classroom.
- The soul crushing feeling of the perfect kiss that made me know I had never been "IN" love before. I felt like could taste the next 60 years of my life in that dark room kissing the boy I had been talking to, but hadn't yet kissed. I stopped worrying about stupid things. I wave of warm and happy poured over me. I didn't need a label or where this relationship was or wasn't going. I found my best friend. I felt like for the first time in ever, I felt like I was coming home just being in his arms. I'd drive across town, across the state, across bad weather for a fleeting moment. I didn't want to just kiss him; I wanted to come home to him. That feeling left me scared and safe.
-The first time I found the lump in my breast and had to go to the cancer center for the ultrasound and MRI. I had to admit there was an issue, something I don't do well. I had to sit topless and random "strangers" would come in and look, feel, and analyze my breast. I felt alone. Thankful for the dimly lit room that helped to hide the fact that in the moments between doctors I would tear up and panic would hit me like a semi truck. I remember the sound of the MRI crunch and bang as it surrounded my half naked body and thinking that this is what laying in the center of a construction zone would feel like. I daydreamed and thought of song lyrics and how they applied to different people in my life. I pondered if I was strong enough to handle the worst case scenario. Fear and worry swirled around me. Dreams of love and a future family steadied my heart.
- Facing my abusive ex husband in our VPO hearing and trying to find the words without crying to explain why I needed the court to protect me. Hearing my voice crack and feeling my throat get tight and being afraid I'd choke on the words as I spoke. Trying to keep my knees from knocking as I stood completely alone and felt his hatred and glare try to burn holes in me. Not allowing myself to look to my left where he stood because I was scared I'd loose any composure that I was faking.
-Laying in the hospital bed on the children's floor of Baptist holding my son as we discussed his emergency surgery that would begin in the morning. I am conscious to smile and stroke his tiny face and use kid appropriate words as I explain what is going to happen. The hallways are silent except for the occasional nurse walking down the hall outside our door. The room is cool and brightly painted. It smells like a combo of orange sherbet and cleanliness.  I think of how ironic it is going back and forth to the kitchen to get more sherbet. The last time I saw anyone eat this much sherbet was me when I was in the hospital for the 5 day stay when he was born. I've let him eat his body weight in ice cream in the last 4 hours and I feel no remorse. I want him to feel peace. I need him to get some sleep. I am hoping I can convey confidence with my words because my heart is raging to break out of the cage of my ribs and fight anyone who tries to touch my son.

These are just title pages of a few of the chapters of my life. I'd like to think that in some tiny futile moment of writing I am more than just words on the page. It allows me to heal some of the broken. Dragging the bad memories out to be lynched for their crimes against my sleep. Removing the unrest by pushing it onto paper. I am forced to face the reality of my life. I think Paul Laurence Dunbar said it best,

"We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties,"

When I write, I have to give up my mask.  I am vulnerable where I can't be hurt. I allow myself to peel back the layers. I confess my weaknesses . I admit fear and failure. I write because maybe I can face all the pieces of myself, maybe I can accept them. Maybe me sharing my experiences will help someone else who feels alone.  I write because I hope someone else won't feel lost and broken.

I write because writing does more than allow me to process; it changes me.

I'm no princess. Screw the fairy tale.

I have never been the princess type. I never was obsessed with pink. I like green; always have. I used to choose the green gumball in 1st grade when we lined up silently while all the other girls choose pretty pastels like pink and yellow.  I never was drawn to pastel colors.

I never dreamed of being a ballerina. I did twirl around in my frilly church slip; however, it wasn't a princess that I was pretending to be. I always felt like I was flying. I was mesmerized by the way the ruffles lifted and fell around me. I remember just wanting to stay in it and being able to spin around and around. Honestly, I still like dresses that swirl around me. Maybe I still like to feel like I'm flying. Maybe I just love the idea of feeling special and pretty. Maybe there is something just a little bit magical about it that I can't put my finger on no matter how old I get. Not a single Halloween did I wear a pretty dress or crown. I've been a mouse, a pumpkin, Tinkerbelle, Elmo, and a couple 3 times I went as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. What's not to love about saving yourself and defeating evil while wearing perfectly sparkly ruby slippers?

My dad never called me princess. I never introduced myself as, "I'M A PRINCESS!" or used it as rebuttal in an argument. I never dreamed of some knight in shining nothing riding up and saving me. The closest I ever came to that dream had more to do with Richard Gere saving Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Maybe I liked the idea of being saved by someone who wanted to love me in spite of my sass and attitude like her?

I only wanted to wear high heels because I thought the sound they made, was cool. In 6th grade every student got to choose a famous person to do a research paper over, and for extra credit dress up as the person. Many of the girls choose Princess Diana, Queen Elizabeth, famous actresses.... I choose Albert Einstein. I wore this amazing wild white haired wig that looked a lot like my Granny McNabb's own hair and a suit. My genius mother found double sided sticky tape and we cut off a snippet of the wig for my moustache. I remember walking into Mrs. Henthorn's English class and getting an immediate reaction from the class. I never wanted to be the princess, but I have always had a flair for making a scene. I think that might be my problem. I like the entrance. I like the scene . I have a flair for the dramatic.

So there is my problem with the idea of fairy tales and dreams of the knight in shining whatever- I never needed him. I didn't need pampered. Maybe I was the evil witch in the wildest part of the woods with a picket fence around my shack. I didn't need the pastel and frills. I didn't need trumpets or big jewels. I wanted the heart of it all. I wanted the simple. I wanted the way the love of my life  looked at me across the room to resemble a Hepburn movie where the music swelled. I wanted the kisses in the rain. I needed to know that someone was willing to risk looking foolish for me. I needed to know I was the choice.

The problem with all that- is that it's a far more dangerous dream than the princess fairy tale. Anyone can give you flowers and whisper sweet nothings when things are pastel covered and smell like perfume. It takes real courage to allow your walls down, to empty the moat of all the alligators of fear and distrust and allow yourself to be truly vulnerable.

Maybe that's the problem with me, I never was the princess; I was more of the pea. I didn't need a castle or flowers woven in my hair. I needed to feel safe. I didn't need to be adored. I needed to be loved. Being feared is easy when you're the witch. Being adored is easy when you're a princess.
Being the pea that causes people to be uncomfortable and demands a scene - that is much harder to love.

Truth is, I never was the princess.

I hate you! I want to push you down the stairs...

I think most people think that depression is a feeling of just sad.
But for me.. THAT was NOT the main feeling.

Depression for me was anger, anxiousness,  and fear. I struggled with the overall desire to yell and scream and make other people feel badly. I think that somehow in my unbalanced brain I thought that if I hurt people with my words then they would feel as badly as me and somehow I would feel better.

There were some people that their very existence and breathing annoyed me.. if they talked or  did anything that might remotely be construed as bothersome to my brain I would desire to push them down the stairs. I didn't want to hurt them. I had no desire to kill anyone...
I wanted the satisfaction of the push.
I wanted someone else to feel as badly as I did inside my own skin .
That maybe if I spread the pain to others, maybe in some crazy way, I would be less miserable.

Depression felt like being constantly exhausted, by stuck with toothpicks holding my eyes open. I wanted to turn off my brain. I needed mental and physical rest but there was never a place where I could find rest.

Depression was sneaky really. I thought maybe I was just cranky or hormonal. I didn't want to admit that I could actually be suffering with depression. The idea of even admitting there might be the problem made me panic and anxious. The idea that my brain was sick was hard to take in. I mean, it's MY BRAIN that in itself made it scary.

I think of my brain as the place I store intimate details of my life: the feeling of sheer and absolute panic the moment that Dr. Friese handed me my son for the first time and he cried and I didn't instantly know how to sooth him, the perfect moment driving down the highway listening to music, sun on my face, white t shirt whipping in the wind as it came in the window while some handsome man sang along with the radio and I fell irrevocably in love with him, the time I called my mother to tell her I had found the second lump in my breast and I felt my throat get tight and the fear felt like strangling as I tried to stay calm and not sound scared as I told her, the parade sending out the other units to Desert Storm wearing my uncle's thick socks under my blue polka dot dress to futilely stay warm and feeling lost looking through the uniforms and sea of faces trying to find my dad who was never  again gonna be in the sea. The idea of admitting that my brain might be betraying me, that was a level of denial very real and very near Egypt.

One day I finally heard myself yelling at my child. I saw in his eyes the fear and sad. I saw the mommy I was becoming.
I yelled.
I was mean.
I was ugly.
And I was everything I didn't want to be as a mom. At that moment, I knew there was a problem. I knew I needed help. I knew it wasn't going away on it's own. I knew I had to tell someone there was a problem. That's the other problem with depression, once you know it's there, it doesn't get any less scary.

I had to swallow as much of my fear and disappointment in myself and make the call.
I had to face the people who I loved and admit I needed help.
The drowning suffocating feeling of admitting I had a problem nearly kept me from telling anyone.

Anyone who is suffering, let me tell you something....
If you were sick and needed medicine to get better- you would tell you doctor the symptoms and get medicine to get better, Right? Your mental health is no different. Sometimes the chemistry of it gets sick, and you need to tell someone the symptoms and have others help you get better.

You are not a failure.
You are not permanently broken.
You are not defective.

As someone who has experienced depression, PTSD, and anxiety- please get help.

Save your memories and find the real you and not the foggy unhappy you.

You are worth it.

What your underwear says about your love life ...

I went home last weekend and sat one morning eating my Aunt Fern's  homemade pancakes while she folded laundry . It seemed like a typical Saturday. She had already done the dishes, swept , cooked, and was grumbling at underwear as she folded them .
" Act right . You know how you are supposed to lay. Just get it together and lay down and act right."

At that moment, I noticed some things.
A. Everyone in my family is a bit off their rocker .(in ways that I am comfortable with and find oddly reassuring )
B.  I had never ever seen anyone fold underwear like that in my life . It was the most perfect way  I have ever seen in my whole life  . They were folded up from the crotch to the band and them quaded in a delicate dance of fingers and fabric .  They stacked absolutely perfect . They were amazingly flat and looked mathematically square . They might even have resembled a game of Jenga had she rotated the direction with each row .
C.  I thought about how I had never seen anyone argue with underwear.
D I had no idea that was even a way to fold undies . I wondered how many other things I probably have been doing wrong my whole life . It made me feel somehow small and immature and sorta foolish but I have no idea why . Maybe I realized how even more amazing she is ?
E. the amount of time and effort she put into folding was nearly at the level of art. Any possible line and wrinkle was removed and forced into perfect lines . Resistance was futile .
G I had no idea that someone could put love  into folding underwear . I assure you each fold was meticulously executed . She made sure that no ripple or wave would be left in the fabric . It was a labor of love . I was mesmerized by my aunt folding laundry .

I am not that kind of laundress .  I do not fold my undies . Honestly- once my booty is in them- all the wrinkles are removed by other means . Watching her artfully craft, pinch, and force the rebel wrinkles into the mold of perfection that all the rest of the underwear army had already been assembled had my utmost attention . What kind of love self sacrifices to that degree ?

I don't think I have ever spent so much time picking out underwear to purchase as was calmly and lovingly put into folding the stack . Had I never loved like that ? Would I ever put that much effort into someone for something so simple ? Why had no one taught me how to adult with laundry like this ? The questions and ponderings were swimming in my head .

Do I think that everyone needs to fold laundry of their loved one as gracefully and perfectly to show their love and devotion to their significantt other ? No . But do I think that giving up your time and energy to labor out of love for someone you care very deeply for is mandatory ? Yes, I do .

I don't think I have seen such a more simple picture of love in a long time . Does my uncle notice that she flattened each and every ripple ? I doubt that .   I don't even know if the perfect flattening makes single difference on whether said undies are more or less comfy .

Does it remove that fact that I saw someone put their energy into something so small ? No .
How you treat the small things in a relationship - THAT does show your love for others .

Are you willing to give up something for someone else - even if they never notice ?
I think more people should . Gestures of love and devotion are simple to attain and often overlooked ....but as I say in the kitchen eating pancakes and watching my aunt fold underwear- I was absolutely sure that my aunt and uncle are in love .

What acts of love and sacrifice do you do for others ?
The simple things , even folding  underwear, for others can be a reminder to the other person that you love them .

So I'm asking, what does your folding technique  say about your life?
How are you expressing and showing your love for others?

Are you just going through the motions? Are you letting the people in your life put forth all the effort? Are you pushing, pulling, and lovingly pulling the teeny tiny wrinkles out?

After all, the little things aren't little.

Dear first responders...

Dear first responders-
Those of you who see a need in others and your first response is to fill the gap regardless of personal gain or cost,
Those of you who are sleep deprived and eat less calories than you should due to your overwhelming need to assist those in some form of crisis,
Those of you who are the physical representation of law and the last lines of defense of others,
Those that race in the dead of winter along icy streets to stop destruction or violence,
Those who hold broken bodies,
the dispatchers who never get the cries for help out of their nightmares,
the face that remains a blank slate when others mock, demean, and insult your sacrifice,
Those of you who answer the phone at 2am to listen professionally or personally,
the doors that you pass through not ever sure of what is on the other side,
the hugs you give to the grieving, the broken, and the distraught regardless of smell, age, or income,
relationships strained due to pagers and on call,
the empty spot you leave in the bed next to loved ones,
the missed birthdays,
the holiday celebrations had on random days to try to preserve some sense of normalcy,
the conversations you refuse to share with your spouse because you try to limit their fear for you,
the search lights and strained eyes,
the smoke and flames you face,
the uniform that labels you but doesn't always keep out the elements,
the CPR you perform long past when it is helpful to give family members some sliver of peace,
those who eat in uniform more often than at the dinner table,
those who sit with their backs to the wall and watch doors and scan the room for threats,
those who change directions in the mall to avoid your family becoming a target to former run-ins,
those who polish and shine and press uniforms to honor your fallen brothers and sisters,
the ones who escort families members unable to walk with the own power due to the weight of loss,
the kind eyes an abused woman sees who she is bruised and battered,
the  rescheduled date nights,
the vest on the hook that means you are home,
the boots by the door covered in unmentionables,
those of you hated and loved for what comes naturally to you,
the uniforms that you dry clean to remove things you hold in and haunts your already hectic sleep patterns,
those who walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
those who do not walk to emergencies but run,
the cold meals eaten later,
the colder meals you give up on and just throw away,
the uniform that parts crowds who only see a uniform not a person,
the sirens that are normal,
the flashing lights your eyes are used to looking past,
the family who just don't understand why you choose this profession,
the emotional recoil from the real world,
the blue lines and the red,

Thank you.
Your good deeds do not go unnoticed. Your sacrifice is good and saves more than the people who encounter, you give family tree's more time. You enable people to live and love and laugh another day.

In case no one tells you today- well done.

Trial by fire .

How do you know what you are made of ?  One way that we measure the strength of buildings and metals is trial by fire . We see the boiling point of the metal. We measure the outcome post fire for structural integrity.  We analyze if the building remains standing once the blaze has been let a smoldering mess. We look to see if the structure is still solid or if it will crumple under pressure AFTER the intial shock of the fire and destruction has already occurred .

Maybe the same is true of people.  Maybe the old tale about the parent putting tea, eggs, and a carrot in boiling water to educate their child about life is something that we should truly take to heart . The egg gets hard after the heat has already been removed .  The same is true of some people . The carrot completely crumples and turns to mush . It is the same color and retains most of the original vitamins but it is soft and easily destroyed when any pressure after the original heat has been removed . The tea is effected by the fire as well . It does not become hard like the egg . It is not weaker like the carrots . Instead the tea is brewed and changes . It becomes its best destiny . Some people are like tea . After being exposed to heat - they realize they have more potential and grow into their true destiny . They literally are tried  by fire and grow into more then previously thought of them.

I have been all three versions of the food depending on the trials I have encountered .  I'd love to tell you that some of my trials were totally random- but that is that the case. Some of the trials and pressure I have experienced were my own poor decisions . I have lost family, friends, a home, loved ones, etc due to my lack of good decisions.  I have failed. I have been  selfish and cruel and down right mean. My boiling points and structural integrity has not always revealed a core of strength. Times that I thought I had things under control only to find myself after the fire was left in ash- I am reminded of the documentary over the twin towers . The metal used for the "cage" - the internal metal that was to hold everything together in case of fire or destruction was not build according to the original plans . That error was very much like some of my errors .... they revealed my failings and I crumpled . I lost people dear to me . I lost pieces of me . I lost my sense of safety . I mushed like the carrot .

Another issue I've had when tried by flames and fears is ignoring the problems.  I foolishly tried to pretend I was "fine ." That's like seeing a fire in your cabinet and closing the door and hoping for the best . Ignoring the trials and fire does not make the fire cease to exist - it only allows it to grow and devour more.  A fire left untamed is allowed to feed and thrive on the kindling of ignorance. I couldn't hide from my problems or tribulations any more than closing the cabinet would stop the fire . It kept burning .
It kept eating away at things that were important .
I kept loosing things and people I love .

A few days ago I saw this verse :" When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not harm you . " Isiah 43:2

Ironically it's smoldered in the cabinet I tried to close ... I hadn't put out some of the things that were causing me harm . I hadn't stopped the fires . Today I reread the verse and something new stuck out.

"Walk through the fire ..." notice it doesn't say SIT and remain in the problem . It doesn't say create more problems due to anger and bitterness . It doesn't say ignore the fact that you are experiencing fire . Rather it points out something so obvious.

Don't stay in the fire .  You are passing through the flames .

"If you're going through hell - keep on going ." Don't stay the way that you are . Don't keep making the same stupid choices that you made to put you in that predicament. Keep building and get away from the fire .

Keep going .
Stop making the same bad choices and hoping for a new outcome because the cabinet is closed.
Keep fighting.
Stop providing kindling.
"...The flames will not harm you."
But they will change you .

Being tested by fire isn't the end - it's a shift.