I am naturally a worrier. I think up stuff. I contemplate. I ponder. I dream. I plan; although not literally as I am often motivated by emotions and gut instinct and less by logic. I worried about having kid(s)... I waited...
I waited 5 years to have my son. Trust me, that in itself is a crazy thing. I always said I didn't want kids, and when I finally starting "growing up" I decided I would like ONE girl. No boys. Just a girl. Somehow I had decided if I declared it and put in my order with God, he would see that I was correct in my assessment of what I wanted and what I "needed" and give it to me.
Things I have learned...
We get what we NEED and not just what we want..
God has a sense of humor...
& I must still be a sapling in the grand scheme of things as he enjoys seeing how far I can bend..
Anyway.. As I was saying. I wanted a girl. I even had her pictured in my head. Green eyes like my dad, red hair like the kid version of me, the ability to tan, adorable freckles across her nose and shoulders, and curls like my Aunt Fern. She would be lovely; And look a lot like Barbie's friend, Midge. But that wasn't something I necessarily discussed with people.
The moment the tech told me I was growing a male child I swallowed hard, blinked back the tears, and began the shifting my plans of my child like a rubrics cube. Gone were the cute bows, pony tails, and braids... Gone were the baby names that ended in "lee" Haylee, Kaylee, and a possible wild card of Charlee for my Grandpa Charlie and my daddy's middle name of Lee. Gone was the closeness I had with my momma that I would pass down to my lil pumpkin. Gone were the hours of prom dress shopping and convincing her dad to spend more on the "perfect dress"... Gone were late night painting of toenails and talking about boys... Gone was the image of what kinda momma I would be.
However; turns out... when you give up an "idea" of what you THINK you want you find out what you NEEDED in your life ( this applies to other situations as well )
I may have lost an "idea" but I in turn gained the "ideal" child. I gained a child who picks me all stages of "dandylion" flowers and holds them with such love and reverence it nearly makes my eyes water, I gained a knight who slays the dragons in my hallway and a warrior who kills the ninjas in my backyard all to protect me, I gained a logical side to balance my emotional impulse, I gained a tough guy.. I gained a man-child who opens the door for me and almost always uses Ma'm, I gained giant SQUISHED hugs that squeeze the breathe out of me, I gained counting kisses to make sure I had enough to sustain me for the day, I gained a small temper that makes me crazy and makes me miss my father, I gained a future man that will be too good for his wife because there isn't a woman who can love him like I do... and yet... I will smile and hug her and tell her she is the perfect woman if she and he are happy. I gained an understanding of the world .. there must be wild and rough things in it to make the beauty have balance and protection. I never understood it all until him.
This boy who constantly makes me wanna pull out my hair and yet touched my heart so much I hafta leave the room and cry because there is no other parent on duty to balance my girliness and he needs a strong influence that sometimes I fail at.
He is more than I could have ever asked for in life. And if someone had told me I would be a "boymom" in the future I would have given them a few choice words and some direction of where to go.. BUT
THIS boy..
This BOY..
He is what I needed in my life.
And again ... I worry..
Let me not fail him. Let me help to build a MAN, a future husband.. a father who is strong hearted for his kids. Let me show him love so deeply that when he finds his partner in life that he will recognize it like a best friend you have know for years.
Let me be the "boymom" and the mother I was chosen to be.
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