When words fail me.

I am good with words. I love words; big words, small words, fancy ones, simple ones. I adore using them. I like using them to speak, to write, to convey my emotions, to sing.

There are times in my life when I am truly at a loss for words. It seems that often the times where words fail me are the times when I truly want them the most. Moments of incredible overwhelming emotions seem to inactivate the part of my brain most responsible for words and human expression.

The last three years has been entirely too full of these moments. I have experienced loss of family members, the murder of friends, the heartache of a friend(s) struggling with infertility, divorce, abuse, neglect of people I love, hatred, suicide, attempted suicide of youth, held hands with friends who were burying the child, been saved more times than I'd like the admit.

 During all of these moments I think I was not the best version of me. There is some weird switch in my brain that once my emotions hit a certain level I am no longer able to express myself. It's not tears or even anger; although both will do just this. It's that feeling you get when you are having a nightmare and you wake yourself up because you are attempting to scream and the sound won't come out. That is the exact feeling I get when I can't find the right words.  I want to speak but the words get stuck in my brain.  Quite simply, I hate it.

I like being the woman who has words for people who need them. I have no problem holding people and loving on them and telling them how much I care about them, how much I value them, or even how terrible other people are... but when it comes down to me, I fail when I am overwhelmed.

What's worse is that not only am I at a loss for the words I am reaching for... but also I feel the failure of not having the right words. I feel like I am failing by just not having the right thing to say...

I am overwhelmed currently by a few such things that I can feel are driving right toward the cliff of wordlessness. I feel my grasp on words and expression getting more and more slippery as if someone greased it down with butter and I am unable to wipe it off. I reach for the sides of whatever surrounds me in an attempt to slow myself down, but nothing can seem to halt it.

I am losing my grip on words. When I talk non stop everything is fine... when I am at a loss...
the silence is so deafening that I can't stand it. When words won't do because there are no words I know that will suffice the pain...

All the words I need to express myself are in a dictionary that either I don't have or has been written in disappearing ink and I can't find the antidote.

I am wordless...
and I fall headlong
down
down
down
the wordless cliff
because words won't do.