Loss

I can not even begin to describe what loss feels like for other people. I consider it a gift that I  often understand people on a real, raw level; however, I am thankful that I cannot understand their loss.

This last month has been a rollercoaster of loss. Babies taken too soon due to reasons that are beyond a magnitude that my simplicity can understand. All life is precious. There are no members of our society that shuld be considered "throw away." And yet, abuse, death, disease, illness, and accidents take people we love away from us every day.

I struggle with trying to find the "right words" to help people I love and care about when they are the ones hurting. Then I think back to my own life and remember that it wasn't always about the words; because frankly, the wrong words just make you angry.  But more importantly it's about being a shadow. I can say, "I'm sorry." I can say, " This sucks." I can say, "I don't understand." or maybe there is a bigger picture.. but each and every one of those phrases could be said by a thousand other people. My role is to be the shadow. I mean the person who waits behind the ones I care about and.. well.. waits until the need me. When they need to talk. If they never want to talk but just want to breathe the same air, I can do that. I can shadow them and be there.

I know when my dad was accidentally taken from me;I was unable to process. I was unable to express what I needed. I KNEW I didn't need all the people who were in my face asking if I needed this or that or who wanted to hug. I didn't need them. I needed room to breathe...room to feel the air around me. All I knew was that I hurt, I didn't understand, and that somehow everything was different .. everything. Even the air around me felt.. Different.

And as I try to process the extreme loss of those near and far from me. I remember that loss is hard. I think about my own memories. They don't come in waves but often in little vingettes of memories.

The touch of a teeny tiny baby hand..
The gruff of  beard...
the laughter of little kids...

God grant me the ability to be a shadow and be there for those I love when they need me when they need me. Help me to accept the path... because I am wise enough to know I won't ever understand.
God help me.
God help them.
Know their needs... give them peace.
Comfort.
Rest.