Today I sit at my computer thinking about the paths my life has taken.
As tempting as it may be.. I don't wish to change anything about my life.
I refuse to fall victim to the what if monster and let it slay my peace or happiness.
IF.
Some have told that my life would be better if I had never been married before. To them I argue that I learned how to be married, how to fight, how to learn to follow my heart, how to give everything of myself even though I thought it would end poorly, I gained the most breathtakingly amazing child who I am proud of daily and yet worry about nearly as often. Through marriage I learned who I am, what I'm not, what I will and won't put up with, and what I want... in so many different ways.
IF
I had never moved across the state I would have never gone to college... I would have never become a teacher... I can't imagine if I had never met some of my students and all the amazing things I have learned from them. I would have never gotten some of the trust and love I feel some comfortable accepting. I would have never found my own "voice". I would have never started writing...and writing has kept me sane in ways that I will share with someone someday.. just not the WWW. ;)
IF
I had never tried to make things work with my son's dad... I wouldn't understand how it feels to be totally in love with a human whom you know will leave and start their own family because I would have never had my son,.. whom I know will say IHATEYOU, whom I know will roll his eyes at me and think I am a fool.. The child who's eyes alone I am amazed at. I never understood the momma tigris self sacrificing love until my son. I would never have pictured myself a single momma.. but.. I am a proud to be his momma everyday.. even on the days I see the writing on the wall of what kind of teenager he will become..
IF
I didn't embrace all the chaos and drama that I have lived I would never know how strong I am. I wouldn't understand when people try to tell me I am a survivor. I was just me in my own eyes for so long that I never sat down and evaluated how much I have overcome... endured... and beat. Drama didn't break me... it pushed me around and blackened my eyes.. it knocked me (literally) on my butt.. BUT I got up.
IF
I hadn't followed the path I am on I would have never met some of my favorite people in my life. Would have never understood love through every aspect.. from best friends... to parenthood.. to the love of my life...the simple.. the hard... the weird.. the crazy.. the take my breath away... everything..
And so.. I hold the sword of understanding.. and I slay the what if monster finally.
Because understanding myself & being content are more than the what if monster can ever take from me.
