Today I splurged in Walmart & bought 3 dish towels. I know some of you are rolling your eyes and thinking I'm being sarcastic or waiting for the punch line... but this isn't a joke. Lemme explain...
The truth of the matter is, I am a survivor of an abusive relationship. One of the ways that I was controlled was money. I wasn't allowed to buy things, keep my own checks, keep my own money he didn't have access to, or buy things he didn't think we needed. I didn't have access to any aspect of the finances except when I was given allowance to buy groceries and he would give me cash to make sure I didn't spend more than I was allowed. ($40 to feed 5 people and 3 pets)
After I left, I was homeless for a short period of time. By the grace and mercy of others, found a tiny perfect house that I rented. I was unbelievably broke and worked multiple jobs just to barely scrape by. We struggled so hard I can not even begin to explain it.
Money is something that gives me anxiety and makes me nervous.
If I don't budget for it, I don't buy it.
If I need something, say chapstick and I buy it and lose it. I will not replace it for however long I think I would have had that item before it wore out.
I have needed dish towels for a while. If I'm being honest, roughly 6 months. I have even cut up old raggedy towels to make sure I had some but those wore out.
Today, I bought 3 cheap but pretty dish towels when I bought groceries.
I know that sounds so silly to so many of you, and I DID put them back... twice.
I finally picked them up and put them all the way in the cart.
And when I got home I stood in the kitchen and admired how pretty they were.
Stood and considered leaving the tags on two of them and returning them...
Stood and waited for the scary anxiety in my head to stop screaming that THAT $3 is whats gonna be the difference between all of my bank things clearing this month and overdrawing the account...
I stood and waited for the idea that I shouldn't use them but should hide them in my closet to gift to myself for Christmas from Santa so the kids can still see me get Santa gifts without taking money away from them.
See, the guilt of buying things I needed, almost outweighed the need. The fear of failing to be able to provide for my family almost took the joy out of something I saw as pretty.
I happily buy my kids clothes and shoes and medicines because my love for them is far stronger than my fear. I don't hesitate to provide them anything they need and the things I can afford of what they want....
My love for them is stronger than anything.
But...
Today I am admitting that that $3 was almost too expensive for my anxiety to bear.
It was almost too costly for me to buy a need for myself because I feared not being or having enough.
There have been a dozen or so other times I thought about it.
And as a celebration of purchasing those 3 little kitchen towels, I sat down to admit how very hard they were to buy and how proud I am that I did.
For those of you celebrating teeny tiny victories and learning to overcome the fear in your head of not being enough- I'm proud of you.
Thursday, October 3, 2019
Sunday, March 24, 2019
What is wrong with you ?? Depression vent
Today was heinous. You know the mom in Walmart with the kid who screams and cries the WHOLE time and you know their exact location bc the kid never stopped crying, today it was me. I’d love to tell you it was terrible future twos or whatever. It wasn’t.
She was just tired . Nothing else.
The bigger problem wasn’t the people who glared and tried to stare me down and shame me....or the fact that I had already tried picking her up and putting her down. I tried holding . I tried rocking . I tried in the top of the basket. I tried the bottom. I tried everything I could think. Blanket in the bottom with a stuffed animal- nope. Nothing pacified her. She was broken and tired and miserable. I wasn’t mad at her . I didn’t tell. I understand she was just tired and overwhelmed by feeling tired and unable to find a way to fix it.
And the part that helped keep my calmness?
I am absolutely drowning in that exact feeling right now.
I am tired with every fiber of my being. I’m internal and externally tired. I hate being touched by almost everyone bc my skin physically hurts to be touched ( excluding my children). It’s like my overwhelm is making my skin a raw sore. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to be held. I don’t want my back rubbed or people to try to comfort me with touch. I don’t need cutesy cat photos of “You can do it !” with them clawing their way back up. I don’t want my forehead kissed. I am not craving having sweet nothing’s whsipered in my ear. I’m not trying to be rude or hurt other people’s feelings. I just am not okay and part of that is hating being touched right now. I am tired.
I am aware that this is not my norm.
I am aware that I verge on being mean and callous to other people’s enotions.
But I am tired and putting myself behind a mask of “everything is fine ,” and becoming more tired and my emotional bank being drawn even more to the negative.
Social interaction is hard for long stretches for me on a normal stretch because being all the things for people is hard. My very inner circle of people I love and trust don’t violate my space. I don’t know why.
Social interaction when my emotions and feelings feel like a wrung out crunchy dish towel that needs washed is absolutely exhausting.
I am not a danger to myself or my family or others. (Unless they threaten my children and then- I already have phone numbers memorized for bail)
Yes, I am aware that this is temporary.
No. I do not know when I will push past and be out if this tunnel.
However, if you have people in your life when tell you that they need space because their life and emotions have them “tired.” Understand that they are not blowing you off.
I have poured myself out for others to the point my cup is empty.
Self care for me requires me to stop allowing others to take my quiet and space.
I am just like my tiny human at Walmart.
Nothing is wrong, I am tired .
I don’t know how to reset myself .
I know I am tired and that I HAVE to demand space.
So when I say “I’m just tired.”
I am telling the truth.
Friday, January 4, 2019
Life is more than the cards you've been dealt
Maybe, life is simpler than we give it credit. Maybe it's possible that life is more like a game of cards. Some times we get lucky and we are dealt a hand of cards that is easy to work with. We are able to play those cards a round or two, and win some. Other times, the deck gets shuffled and our round is a loss.
Today I was asked how would I handle it if I was insulted and placed on a social media account where their sole purpose was to tear down and demean other humans. I laughed. Looking back at the face of truly shocked girl, I smiled and pulled a Jesus and didn't answer but told a story.
See, the thing is, my life is less than a fairy tale. Instead of answering her directly I said, "I have 3 ex- husbands. I have two children that I raise predominately on my own. I have been homeless. I have been abused in my own home multiple times. I was nearly killed by my 2nd husband. I had to face him in court to get a VPO just to get him to leave me alone. I have been broke to the point I had to ask strangers for food. I have had my bank accounts cleaned out and my sense of safety removed. I have experienced not one, but two lumps in my breast that have to be checked routinely for cancer. I've been assaulted at work. I've been alone and lonely (those are not always the same thing). I have loved another person more than I have loved anyone else. There isn't anything that some random stranger can say about me on social media that probably hasn't already been said before. I know who I am. I know all the things I have survived and had to overcome."
I know what I am made from. I know that I am in control of my reaction to bad things. I can not control other people any more than I can control the weather. At least half the time, my own family disagrees with my choices.( and those are just the times that I am aware of.) I can control my reaction to other people. I can play this hand of cards that I'm dealt. I never know the next card that gets flipped. None of us do. No one knows the next car wreck, death, emergency, life change, loss, or health scare that will flip the cards at hand.
Some people will tell you that life isn't fair. Life is fair. Life is equally as random and unpredictable to everyone. Every single day, millions of people wake up and experience some new struggle that they never saw coming. Each day there are also people who fall in love, find out they are having a baby, get married, and eat the last slice of cheesecake. Life doesn't hand you a guideline book of rules and regulations when you hit a certain age. Every single person that you encounter is making it up as they go. No one gets out of life alive.
Sometimes we get dealt some rounds that feel like we should just give up and fold. Those are the rounds that really show the true character of who we are. Anyone can win at a round of cards when their deck is stacked. It takes someone willing to risk it all to win on a round of poorly dealt cards. They must risk. They must bet on themselves. They must be willing to give up things to gain new and unseen cards. When dealt this difficult hand, choices must be made to preserve the game and keep the player in the game.
We all are given moments that define or break us.
We are all one round of cards from failure or happiness.
Some are blessed with a poker face and strong backbone that keeps others outside of their head. Some others of us have a face you can read as easily as a book and absolutely no chill when it comes to moments of "character building." The reasons I don't judge others typically has more to do with all the hands of cards I never let people see me play. The moments of shock and fear, the moments of failure, the hands of cards played in the dark where I am sure I wont survive. I've learned that once you are playing a round of cards in hell, you keep playing. Playing cards in hell isn't the play to fold or bow out.
No one has the rule book or deck when life is dealing us moments that change us.
We all get the choice how we react and how we treat people regardless of if we know what they are holding in their hand.
I have no idea what card is gonna flip up next. I have no idea if it's a round that will bring me to my knees or fill my pockets. I know I'm ready for the cards to keep flipping and I'm content with the hands I've been dealt.
Hit me.
I've got a few more rounds left.
Today I was asked how would I handle it if I was insulted and placed on a social media account where their sole purpose was to tear down and demean other humans. I laughed. Looking back at the face of truly shocked girl, I smiled and pulled a Jesus and didn't answer but told a story.
See, the thing is, my life is less than a fairy tale. Instead of answering her directly I said, "I have 3 ex- husbands. I have two children that I raise predominately on my own. I have been homeless. I have been abused in my own home multiple times. I was nearly killed by my 2nd husband. I had to face him in court to get a VPO just to get him to leave me alone. I have been broke to the point I had to ask strangers for food. I have had my bank accounts cleaned out and my sense of safety removed. I have experienced not one, but two lumps in my breast that have to be checked routinely for cancer. I've been assaulted at work. I've been alone and lonely (those are not always the same thing). I have loved another person more than I have loved anyone else. There isn't anything that some random stranger can say about me on social media that probably hasn't already been said before. I know who I am. I know all the things I have survived and had to overcome."
I know what I am made from. I know that I am in control of my reaction to bad things. I can not control other people any more than I can control the weather. At least half the time, my own family disagrees with my choices.( and those are just the times that I am aware of.) I can control my reaction to other people. I can play this hand of cards that I'm dealt. I never know the next card that gets flipped. None of us do. No one knows the next car wreck, death, emergency, life change, loss, or health scare that will flip the cards at hand.
Some people will tell you that life isn't fair. Life is fair. Life is equally as random and unpredictable to everyone. Every single day, millions of people wake up and experience some new struggle that they never saw coming. Each day there are also people who fall in love, find out they are having a baby, get married, and eat the last slice of cheesecake. Life doesn't hand you a guideline book of rules and regulations when you hit a certain age. Every single person that you encounter is making it up as they go. No one gets out of life alive.
Sometimes we get dealt some rounds that feel like we should just give up and fold. Those are the rounds that really show the true character of who we are. Anyone can win at a round of cards when their deck is stacked. It takes someone willing to risk it all to win on a round of poorly dealt cards. They must risk. They must bet on themselves. They must be willing to give up things to gain new and unseen cards. When dealt this difficult hand, choices must be made to preserve the game and keep the player in the game.
We all are given moments that define or break us.
We are all one round of cards from failure or happiness.
Some are blessed with a poker face and strong backbone that keeps others outside of their head. Some others of us have a face you can read as easily as a book and absolutely no chill when it comes to moments of "character building." The reasons I don't judge others typically has more to do with all the hands of cards I never let people see me play. The moments of shock and fear, the moments of failure, the hands of cards played in the dark where I am sure I wont survive. I've learned that once you are playing a round of cards in hell, you keep playing. Playing cards in hell isn't the play to fold or bow out.
No one has the rule book or deck when life is dealing us moments that change us.
We all get the choice how we react and how we treat people regardless of if we know what they are holding in their hand.
I have no idea what card is gonna flip up next. I have no idea if it's a round that will bring me to my knees or fill my pockets. I know I'm ready for the cards to keep flipping and I'm content with the hands I've been dealt.
Hit me.
I've got a few more rounds left.
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