Mind your Manners

 

 I ran to the gas station during lunch to grab a soda and a hot dog (they're great and cheap so I love them) ...An older gentleman who was struggling to walk and should have probably had a walker, was coming in as I was going out .

 

He was flawlessly dressed in tan and white plaid pearl snap shirt and pressed  and starched wranglers with his clean but worn boots and lovely tan cowboy hat. Looked like he had been a farmer earlier in life based on the deep tanned face with hardened wrinkles that framed his pale icey blue eyes. His face was proud and he smiled at me.

 

As I hurried my step to make sure I wouldn't be in his way, he also attempted to hurry as well. As I started to walk out the door, he reached his slim boney hand and gracefully and slowly open the door for me...it was a moment in my day... a small act of kindness...and it touched my heart.

 

Maybe it was because it reminded me of my grandpa Charlie...Tan lanky old farmer types who look like they worked outside manual labor for more years than I've been alive often remind me of him.

 

One moment that meant nothing, that was probably a reflex for him, affected me.

 

It got me to thinking. When did we stop using basic manners?

When did we stop putting manners on the backburner? I am not a girlie girl. Don't get me wrong I like to fish and getting my hands dirty is not a big deal to me. However, I like to be treated " like a girl."

 

As a young 20something, I was "trained" to have doors opened for me. I was so used to people opening doors for me that if I was alone and no men were with me, I would stand at the door and wait until I realized that I would have to open it for myself.

 

As a 30something... today I was reminder how far manners have fallen. Is it that I stopped expecting it? Do parents not train their little boys to open doors or their young ladies to  wait ?

 

Today... I am renewed in my drive to raise my munchkin to be a gentleman.

 

Today with one door literally being opened for me, it reminded that silently the older generation is still teaching us.

 

Ladies & Gents... Mind your manners.

How not to love someone....

We all go through trails and tribulations in our lives. Some of us are given more obvious ones than others. Maybe it's because God only gives us what we can handle and maybe it's because we are dumb and make poor choices.... but either way... We all experience things in our life that make us question ourselves and when it's time to give up. I have experienced being loved and being UNloved.

I understand that I am not the typical "weaker sex" in a relationship. I don't fulfill the "typical girl role." I don't mind getting dirty and have had to take care of myself for choice and by force before.  I have learned how to love others.  I have experienced how to NOT be loved more.

I am not good at change. I am not a fan of stress. I am NOT tough; due to previous failed marriages and some major life changes that have reduced my friends and family circles a time or 100, I have trust issues that are so significant that they could be labeled as "deep and wide."

I'd love to tell you that I am stable, calm, and can focus exclusively on the matter that needs dealt with; that would be a lovely description of someone, not me, but someone. I am needy. I am difficult to be in a relationship with. I am pretty sure that this applies to most all of my relationships and not just romantic type ones. I am needy and bossy and emotional in ways that psychology professors could have had a field day with  and create their life's work writing books about all my drama.

I am not needy in a someone needs to take care of me sort of way.  I don't need "things." I am not a gold digger and do not require gifts or lavish treats. I demand attention. No, not exactly... I require attention. I require it the same way that flowers need light. Maybe that's it. I am the kind of flower that needs a LOT of direct sunlight. I am not, nor will I ever be one of those flowers that only need a few measly hours of sunlight.  I am not those people. I have found that I can happily share room with other people and neither one speaking and I am fine... But let the room be empty and I get a little batty.

I say all this to explain that I am not easy to love. I am a pain in the a$$;however, because of my crazy life I understand how to love and how to make someone feel unloved. I figure if I explain it,  maybe other people will learn from my life and see that they are in a relationship where they are not giving enough and need to change their errors or maybe it's time to give up and walk away with self respect.

Lets break it down to 7 easy "T" steps...

1. Time: To make someone feel unloved, avoid time with them. And if you can not avoid time with them... give them smaller amounts and do not give them your attention. Look at your phone, be distracted. Even if your body is physically there with the person, make sure your mind and thoughts are elsewhere. Another way to accomplish this is to make sure you are selfish. Never check on them.  Avoid finding out what they want or need.

2.Touch: According to psychology, touch is important in relationships. Hugging someone you care about can literally bring down the stress hormone, cortisol, and lower blood pressure. It is a glue that can help with a feeling of unity.  Touch helps your brain to give off happy brain chemicals such as, dopamine. Touch can be simple and innocent as laying your hand on their arm or leg. It can also be as in depth as real affection such as kissing or sex. Simple public displays of touch can create an outward show to the world that you are a team. If you avoid touching the person you are attempting to make feel unloved and make sure that the only touch they receive from you is off hand, cold, or forced you will slowly and effectively allow a winters chill to settle in their heart towards you. This should give their heart a feeling of frostbite and make them second guess themselves and often their ego will suffer.

3. Team: If you have ever been apart of something such as a team, you understand the idea that everyone one the "team" does better and fights harder for the team when they feel invested and part of the team. One way to break the feeling of team is to give intimate details about your life with others. This shows to others that you are not a member of the team and do not need the original members of the '"team."

3: Tenderness: When you watch tv or movies and the one member of a couple looks at the other person, there is a look of tenderness in their eyes. This tenderness must be cut out of your eyes, your words, and your touch. Love is tender and kind. 'Unlove' is rough, mean, and "jokes" about the other person. It is judgmental and unforgiving. It holds grudges. Tenderness can be the sweet nothings of chatting about your day before you fall asleep. It can be the sweet gestures that mean nothing to anyone else, but mean the world to the person you formerly loved. Make sure to avoid tenderness.

5.  Talk: Lets discuss tone. I can say I hate you to my BFF while laughing and joking because she looks absolutely lovely in a dress that made me feel like a sack of potatoes... and by no means do I hate her. The tone of the talk between you is very important. Make sure the same coldness that you exhibit in your touch carries over to your voice. Make it obvious that you do not mean a single word you say when you say anything kind or that might accidentally convey feelings of love or compassion. Also another effective way to make the person feel unloved is to talk down to them and make them feel low and unworthy of you.

6. Try: Effort. Don't do things for the other person. Don't try to make their life better. Don't do things to help them. Make sure you don't include their needs or dreams in your plans. They do not need to think that their hopes or dreams are important.

7. Trust:  Trust is like the mayo in a tuna fish sandwich...it keeps all the random things that make up the couple STUCK together. Trust can help the other person ignore things that might seem fishy and allow them to focus on all the things you do right. Make sure you have secret communications with others. Make sure that you have long periods of time that are unaccounted for. If at all possible create new and random schedules that do not fit your normal schedule and act like the other person is crazy. Change things about yourself... how you dress, what you find interesting, and what you talk about so that the other person feels like an outsider and feels like you are changing to be more like interesting to someone else. By changing things and creating a sense of uncertainty the other person looses trust. Trust is bond. Trust is an essential concrete in the wall that surrounds a relationship and keeps it free from outsiders and disease.

If you follow those 7 easy steps in ANY relationship it will catch fire and become a memory like the Hindenburg. If it go up in flames and be a remainder to the other person of something not to do. Not only will the person feel unloved and unwanted but you will also help to shatter their ideas of happiness and satisfaction and ruin their ego. They will get edgy and worry. They will second guess themselves and even if you are completely innocent and doing nothing wrong.

Remember, this is the quick and easy list of how to make someone feel unloved. If these are steps the person you are in a relationship with is doing... you might need to make choices to protect yourself.

Killing my husband

I wanna kill my husband.

Don't get me wrong , he is nice man . He works hard and  plays harder.  He isn't messy. In fact, he is a bit OCD and the dirty socks beside the bed, they aren't  his, they are mine.

The  amount and ways  that I wanna kill him has ebbed and evolved over the past year. The  thing about being married to someone is that they see you  in every light of humanity; good, bad, sick, grumpy, first thing in the morning, last thing before bed.... Everything . He knows that I wake up  glorious and happy . I know that this annoys him. He doesn't understand  it. As far as he is concerned  "normal" people do not roll out if bed and hum and act like Snow White or Cinderella singing to whatever animal happens to be near them...  the cat is also not a morning person. Maybe I need small rodents. Alas,  I digress.

Anyway.. Back to killing .

When I first married him there was a lack of  understanding between us as large and as deep as the Grand Canyon.  We did not live together prior to eloping and while we did have shared life goals and love , we also had very different ideas about random things like laundry and dishes , see previously mentioned statement about OCD. He  was uber organized and thinks things on shelves create clutter . I prefer to display 50000 pictures of family, friends, and loved ones. He  color coordinates his closet and I have a large mass of shoes that live together in a utopian society at the bottom of my closet. .
To say that we didn't mesh is an understatement the same way that Lady Liberty is large and green.
There were days I wanted to stab him. I didn't want a divorce . I merely wanted to stab him. Thus, one of the first times I wanted to kill him..

Then we  started to somewhat find a flow and started to get a teeny bit  of balance . I very much liked having  help with my munchkin  and I wanted to cook for him  and  make him  elaborate meals and spoil him.He accused  me of trying to kill him with rich and fatty foods.

Then we started to work together. As we  began working together we shifted out focus from ME to WE. It's funny how changing that one letter can shift a  relationship . We  tried to do things for each other. We tried to do things for  the betterment of the house and not each other . Here's an example : He started bringing  me home cinnamon bears  from base . That' might sound trivial to you .. But let's discuss the  emotionally reaction  to being brought home a candy that I love and have a difficult time finding . When he brings them home I KNOW  I was on his mind. I KNOW he cares about pleasing me and makings happy . I KNOW he  had to give up time to  go and find them .  Something so small and cheap as. 99 cent  candy means I am someone he cares about and wants to see smile . Those stupid bears  would make me all girlie and giggly because he took the time for me  I feeling important and loved made me wanna  smother him in kisses . Bam..... A very different kill .

We really started to let down our guards and start to focus on self sacrifice and pleasing one another . This was a very personal and intimate step in a marriage .  Doing things for another person that gains you nothing is hard . In fact, some days , it drains you . I would  leave my work during my lunch, come home pack his lunch , (he works swing shift ) and  then  gorge myself on something fast to make it back to work on time .  The great part about self sacrifice, when it came to our relationship, is that it built  a safe and more intimate  level. This led to me trying to  letting go of a lot of my hangs ups and wanting to dirty girl kill my husband . Lol

Then I went through a very terrible no good bad and dark year . I  am a teacher . I love my job. I loveeee my kiddos . However , after the murders of two students , the death of another, suicide attempts of a couple, and a whole box full of everything else seeing to be wrong ... I struggled with a horrible ugly mean chunk of depression  shortly after we got married . I was cold and short and          inhumanly hateful.  I  wanted to scream and yell. Then afterwards I was  remorseful  I
would want to cry profusely. I didn't have energy  to do anything . I wanted to sleep and do nothing for our house. I wasn't handling . I couldn't cope. I didn't like most people . I couldn't stand myself or my thoughts . I didn't want to hurt myself ... Nope... I did want to push people down stairs . I wanted to make someone else pay for how badly I felt and unfortunately he was very often a target of my anger and rage. I hated him for not being able to help me . I hated him for not being able to understand . I hated  the way he breathed  sitting beside me on the couch .  I didn't understand him . He had no idea what on earth had turned me into a pit of man eating anger sharks. I wanted  to kill him for not understanding me . I wanted to kill  him  for not  empathizing  and  understanding me . I never crossed over into  physical like getting weapons or  anything  along those lines ... Instead I did damage far harder to fix . I separated myself  from him . I cut myself off from his kindness. I blamed him for me being unhappy . I was hateful. I was meannnnnn. I wanted to kill his happiness . And truthfully .. I was very successful.

And I nearly killed everything good about us . I did things that were mean and stupid and killed his spirit. And still my  killing  spree wasn't over .  I killed his sense of peace and happiness . I killed the joy and happiness from our marriage . These killings were probably the most wrong of all of them.

We have both done made choices that murdered the other's joy....

I won't lie and say I am a great wife . Most days I struggle with being merely good . I struggle with finding my roll within the relationship . I contempt the things he has done wrong and get mad and wanna cause him literal bodily harm. I don't research poisons ... But I will tell you that there are actions that I have taken that have been a poisonous to both him and how he feels about me and who we are as a couple .

Let's be honest... He knows me well enough to know exactly which buttons to push to make me mad... Not mad.. Furious. When that happens, I react. And I wanna kill him. I don't always let him in on that thought process ; it's better that I don't.

All I know is that I wanna kill him most days ... Now and whether it's wring his neck or kill him with kindness, that all depends on the day .