I am a fan of sleep. My sleep schedule on the other hand, is not a fan of me...
This may sound like a crazy thing to say; however, I have a terrible time sleeping. I stay awake at night thinking. I think about what I should be doing if I'm not gonna sleep (dishes, laundry etc). I consider the "deeper" meaning of song lyrics. I prolly give more "additional" meanings to songs than I would care to admit in polite company.
Here's the thing... I don't think it's really a sleep problem. I fell asleep last week in like 2 seconds in the middle of a living room floor face down. I haven't slept face down in ages. Normally the only time I sleep face down is when I physically don't fell well. My momma swears its my version of the fetal position bc she says she laid me down that way back in the day. Anyway, I do have a hard time falling asleep in strange places. In fact, the first night on a vacation or just about anywhere I am not familiar with, I don't sleep much.
However, I have noticed that there are exceptions to the "me no sleepy" thing I've got going on. It has nothing to do with thread count in the sheets, nothing to do with the firmness of the mattress- remember I slept like a rock face down on the living room floor last week... I think it's more about who I am around. It's a comfort level.
At first glance I thought it was just that I was around persons I am comfortable with. I am casting off that idea as if that were true I should sleep well at home, also I slept nearish a friend of mine a while back but still had nightmares. Thus it's not just comfort. And it's not about being safe or not because all of the locations that I attempt sleep I am safe.
The only difference is who I am near.
Put me near people I am comfortable with and have not single secret...
and BAM!
I'm sleep like the survivors after a zombie apocalypse.
The idea that my sub-conscience is more in control of my sleep than my conscience...
now that...
That will give me plenty to ponder tonight when I am tossing, turning, and contemplating life.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
Quiet is my conscience
I hate the quiet. Genuinely. I am rarely comfortable with it. I am perfectly happy if there is music in the background, a tv creating noise, a fan while I sleep, a dishwasher while I type.
I am very uncomfortable with absolute silence. The truth is the only time I ever choose quiet is when I drive and no one else is in the car. Then it feels like peace. Maybe bc I am not forced to think of the dishes in the sink or the fact that my bed needs made... (and for the person who thinks it's a criminal act not to make his bed, you are wrong. ) I just drive.
I don't like quiet because I think of all the "perfect" answers to questions I have been asked, I think of all the better things I could have said, all the times I should have swallowed my pride, should have let go of my fear and told the other person how I REALLY felt... quiet is like my own personal purgatory where I relive all the pieces of my life where I should have... could have.... done or said something different.
I guess the truth really is much more simple than I am making it out to be. For me, quiet is the accumulation of all the wrong choices, perceived wrong choices, and bad ideas I had. I'd like to tell you that once and a while I decide that I occasionally decide I did the right thing, but that would be far fewer and far between and thus it would be a lie.
Quiet is my conscience. I overthink, overanalyze, worry, compare, and contemplate. If I could just turn off m brain I might be safe however; until then I will turn on music, flip my fan off and on...anything to make a sound.
I am very uncomfortable with absolute silence. The truth is the only time I ever choose quiet is when I drive and no one else is in the car. Then it feels like peace. Maybe bc I am not forced to think of the dishes in the sink or the fact that my bed needs made... (and for the person who thinks it's a criminal act not to make his bed, you are wrong. ) I just drive.
I don't like quiet because I think of all the "perfect" answers to questions I have been asked, I think of all the better things I could have said, all the times I should have swallowed my pride, should have let go of my fear and told the other person how I REALLY felt... quiet is like my own personal purgatory where I relive all the pieces of my life where I should have... could have.... done or said something different.
I guess the truth really is much more simple than I am making it out to be. For me, quiet is the accumulation of all the wrong choices, perceived wrong choices, and bad ideas I had. I'd like to tell you that once and a while I decide that I occasionally decide I did the right thing, but that would be far fewer and far between and thus it would be a lie.
Quiet is my conscience. I overthink, overanalyze, worry, compare, and contemplate. If I could just turn off m brain I might be safe however; until then I will turn on music, flip my fan off and on...anything to make a sound.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Thoughts like a lava lamp
I don't think that my internal thoughts are exactly the same as everyone elses'. No I do not believe that I am some stellar genius, far far from it. And I don't think I am a psychopath. I just think that maybe my thought process is unique and unusual. I like to think of it as a gift in the same way that people describe some birth defects "gifts". They are not good or bad but rather just apart of my dna.
Anyway back to my brain and it's inner workings. I used to get frustrated that people don't understand how my brain made it's "leaps" and I can jump from one subject to another with grand rapidness. I have come to terms with this now. I do sometimes struggle with the fact that rarely do people like my randomness. And often my leaps make me seem scatterbrained. The truth of the matter is completely opposite. I overthink things. I overanalyze things. I think 15 things but only mention 3. I have found it makes people less uncomfortable and less apt to look at me with the crazy face if I only explain the 3.
For example, I walk down the hall at school. I see a kid with a turquoise shirt and think of shopping with the roommate, I think of my favorite Easter dress in 6th grade, I think of finding Robin's eggs shells when I was 5, I think of that blue eyed boy I kissed at Czech Fest in 7th grade with the sun on my face, I think of the sky before the storm, I think of the blue sheets I ordered for my first big girl bed when I was 4 or 5 with the sleeping puppies on them, I think of that one man and that one shirt he wears and how he looks hot in it and how I lose my cool with him, I think of a thousand things that are all either blue or turquoise and I get lost in my head for about 5 min. Yes, 5 min.
Yes, most people have triggers in their head that are caused by memories. A lot of people have scent memories. What I mean to say is memories that are triggered by scent. For example certain soaps or perfumes that make them think of baking cookies at Grandma's house. Or the cologne the boy they crushed on it 8th grade wore and sat in front of them in Geometry. But for my brain... it's like the old "Family Circus" comic with the little boy who visits 20 places just to get from the mailbox to the front door. Now take that kind of internal triggering, add a visual memory, a sensitivity to color, add that fact that I am emotional and love life and the fact that memories are only stored IF you have an emotional reaction....
Needless to say what you end up with is a constantly over working brain that looks like a kaleidoscope inside a lava lamp....and the whole thing set on EXTRA crazy.
Glub..glub... clink.
Anyway back to my brain and it's inner workings. I used to get frustrated that people don't understand how my brain made it's "leaps" and I can jump from one subject to another with grand rapidness. I have come to terms with this now. I do sometimes struggle with the fact that rarely do people like my randomness. And often my leaps make me seem scatterbrained. The truth of the matter is completely opposite. I overthink things. I overanalyze things. I think 15 things but only mention 3. I have found it makes people less uncomfortable and less apt to look at me with the crazy face if I only explain the 3.
For example, I walk down the hall at school. I see a kid with a turquoise shirt and think of shopping with the roommate, I think of my favorite Easter dress in 6th grade, I think of finding Robin's eggs shells when I was 5, I think of that blue eyed boy I kissed at Czech Fest in 7th grade with the sun on my face, I think of the sky before the storm, I think of the blue sheets I ordered for my first big girl bed when I was 4 or 5 with the sleeping puppies on them, I think of that one man and that one shirt he wears and how he looks hot in it and how I lose my cool with him, I think of a thousand things that are all either blue or turquoise and I get lost in my head for about 5 min. Yes, 5 min.
Yes, most people have triggers in their head that are caused by memories. A lot of people have scent memories. What I mean to say is memories that are triggered by scent. For example certain soaps or perfumes that make them think of baking cookies at Grandma's house. Or the cologne the boy they crushed on it 8th grade wore and sat in front of them in Geometry. But for my brain... it's like the old "Family Circus" comic with the little boy who visits 20 places just to get from the mailbox to the front door. Now take that kind of internal triggering, add a visual memory, a sensitivity to color, add that fact that I am emotional and love life and the fact that memories are only stored IF you have an emotional reaction....
Needless to say what you end up with is a constantly over working brain that looks like a kaleidoscope inside a lava lamp....and the whole thing set on EXTRA crazy.
Glub..glub... clink.
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