I am good with words. I love words; big words, small words, fancy ones, simple ones. I adore using them. I like using them to speak, to write, to convey my emotions, to sing.
There are times in my life when I am truly at a loss for words. It seems that often the times where words fail me are the times when I truly want them the most. Moments of incredible overwhelming emotions seem to inactivate the part of my brain most responsible for words and human expression.
The last three years has been entirely too full of these moments. I have experienced loss of family members, the murder of friends, the heartache of a friend(s) struggling with infertility, divorce, abuse, neglect of people I love, hatred, suicide, attempted suicide of youth, held hands with friends who were burying the child, been saved more times than I'd like the admit.
During all of these moments I think I was not the best version of me. There is some weird switch in my brain that once my emotions hit a certain level I am no longer able to express myself. It's not tears or even anger; although both will do just this. It's that feeling you get when you are having a nightmare and you wake yourself up because you are attempting to scream and the sound won't come out. That is the exact feeling I get when I can't find the right words. I want to speak but the words get stuck in my brain. Quite simply, I hate it.
I like being the woman who has words for people who need them. I have no problem holding people and loving on them and telling them how much I care about them, how much I value them, or even how terrible other people are... but when it comes down to me, I fail when I am overwhelmed.
What's worse is that not only am I at a loss for the words I am reaching for... but also I feel the failure of not having the right words. I feel like I am failing by just not having the right thing to say...
I am overwhelmed currently by a few such things that I can feel are driving right toward the cliff of wordlessness. I feel my grasp on words and expression getting more and more slippery as if someone greased it down with butter and I am unable to wipe it off. I reach for the sides of whatever surrounds me in an attempt to slow myself down, but nothing can seem to halt it.
I am losing my grip on words. When I talk non stop everything is fine... when I am at a loss...
the silence is so deafening that I can't stand it. When words won't do because there are no words I know that will suffice the pain...
All the words I need to express myself are in a dictionary that either I don't have or has been written in disappearing ink and I can't find the antidote.
I am wordless...
and I fall headlong
down
down
down
the wordless cliff
because words won't do.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
The Power of Words
Most people know that there are certain words and phrases that are powerful when it comes to the human condition. The truth is simple words have power. Not just words, but also the words you don't say.
There obvious words of power: I love you, I hate you, Let's be friends,.. Then there are the words and phrases that people know but rarely think about how really important that they are until they hear them spoken directly to them. Phrases like, 'I'm pregnant' and 'I'm married' are life changing and entail far more than the simplicity of the words.
Everyone knows that having a child is significant. People often focus on the fact that there will be a baby but I dunno that people contemplate the long term aspects of a child. I know that when I was pregnant with my man-child I was so focused on the fact that I was pregnant that I hadn't really contemplated the idea that I would be 100% responsible for each and every thing that he did, said, etc. for many years. I remember when they handed me the hospital release papers to take the man-child home I was completely freaked out. Before that moment I was comfy and safe in the bubble of the hospital where we had been for the last 5 days. I was spoiled and anytime there was something that happened with my lil' hunk I asked a nurse. I asked a lot of questions...(Dear nurses, you are amazing people..) and I had someone to help me no matter what. When it was time to go home, the words of power were, "Congratulations!" and "Good Luck!"
Words are so powerful that sometimes it's not just words used but also the tone that can effect the situation. One prime example of tone, " She was my best friend." Depending on which word is stressed makes a huge difference.
"SHE was my best friend" accusatory and hateful in nature.
"She was my BEST FRIEND!" when two girls who were formally close but are no longer and often the other girl has betrayed the original trust.
" She was my best friend.."(said quietly) She has passed and the hole in your heart is vast and awful.
"SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND!" she has been apart of a relationship that involved someone I love cheating with her.
"she was my best friend...." this one is the one when you formally where BFF but have lost touch, grown apart, and don't share the closeness that they used to.
One phrase said 5 separate ways each one meaning something completely different; all of them equally emotional and powerful.
I love you. Three words. The phrase we as humans hope to hear from someone who genuinely care about. If we think about when they really mean they grow to much larger. Love the idea that you care about someone more than others, the fact that you honor them above others, they are important...etc. I know I have said them when I shouldn't. I was trying to please people. I know I have held them in when I shouldn't have because I knew the other person wasn't ready to hear them. I have come to terms with the idea that if you mean them, say them regardless because everyone deserves to know they are loved.
Take nearly any word or phrase and add the three letter word, 'BUT' and all bets are off. Once one add a but to a statement anything said before the but should be ignored as it was only there to sugar coat. Example, " I love you BUT I wanna see other people." " I'm pregnant, BUT it isn't yours." "That's a nice dress BUT is it supposed to look like that?" Yes, BUT....watch out for the BUT statement. It's a nice way to say something, but it often puts the truth second. Say the truth.
One of my favorite word sets of power that people don't really contemplate is, "Will you marry me?" People are often too busy thinking about the jewelry, the dress, the fancy party. When someone is asking you this phrase they are asking approximately 1,000 other questions... A few of the questions that are being asked are : Will you share my last name, will you bear my children, will you hold my hand when I'm sick or scared, will you love me when I'm old, will you love me through fatness or skinny, will you support me if I lose my job, will you cook my meals, will you share my home, bed, and address with me, will you put up with my family, my mother, my siblings, and hold me when my gramma is sick, will you love me when I am not loveable, will you tell me I'm the best thing that happened in your life even when I am getting on your nerves, will you love and cherish me, will you say my name differently than everyone else, will you trust me, will you take care of me and our household, will you be last kiss, will you always be there for me, will you chose me day in and day out, will you be my helpmate, my soul mate, my cheerleader, my partner, my safe place, and the one person who I can turn to when I need someone.... There are many many more these are just the first ones that come to my mind.
Words that we don't say can be important. If someone says I love you etc and you don't say them back the silence left in-between is also powerful. When I approach a tall bossy man in my life and whine and act like a big baby and he tells me to, "Suck it up, Buttercup" without judging me, without pointing out the fact that I'm being annoying, without being mean, and without yelling. I know he has my best interest at heart.
All the things we say, when we say them, who we say them to, the tone in which we say them, when we let silence speak louder than the words themselves....
Words have power.
There obvious words of power: I love you, I hate you, Let's be friends,.. Then there are the words and phrases that people know but rarely think about how really important that they are until they hear them spoken directly to them. Phrases like, 'I'm pregnant' and 'I'm married' are life changing and entail far more than the simplicity of the words.
Everyone knows that having a child is significant. People often focus on the fact that there will be a baby but I dunno that people contemplate the long term aspects of a child. I know that when I was pregnant with my man-child I was so focused on the fact that I was pregnant that I hadn't really contemplated the idea that I would be 100% responsible for each and every thing that he did, said, etc. for many years. I remember when they handed me the hospital release papers to take the man-child home I was completely freaked out. Before that moment I was comfy and safe in the bubble of the hospital where we had been for the last 5 days. I was spoiled and anytime there was something that happened with my lil' hunk I asked a nurse. I asked a lot of questions...(Dear nurses, you are amazing people..) and I had someone to help me no matter what. When it was time to go home, the words of power were, "Congratulations!" and "Good Luck!"
Words are so powerful that sometimes it's not just words used but also the tone that can effect the situation. One prime example of tone, " She was my best friend." Depending on which word is stressed makes a huge difference.
"SHE was my best friend" accusatory and hateful in nature.
"She was my BEST FRIEND!" when two girls who were formally close but are no longer and often the other girl has betrayed the original trust.
" She was my best friend.."(said quietly) She has passed and the hole in your heart is vast and awful.
"SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND!" she has been apart of a relationship that involved someone I love cheating with her.
"she was my best friend...." this one is the one when you formally where BFF but have lost touch, grown apart, and don't share the closeness that they used to.
One phrase said 5 separate ways each one meaning something completely different; all of them equally emotional and powerful.
I love you. Three words. The phrase we as humans hope to hear from someone who genuinely care about. If we think about when they really mean they grow to much larger. Love the idea that you care about someone more than others, the fact that you honor them above others, they are important...etc. I know I have said them when I shouldn't. I was trying to please people. I know I have held them in when I shouldn't have because I knew the other person wasn't ready to hear them. I have come to terms with the idea that if you mean them, say them regardless because everyone deserves to know they are loved.
Take nearly any word or phrase and add the three letter word, 'BUT' and all bets are off. Once one add a but to a statement anything said before the but should be ignored as it was only there to sugar coat. Example, " I love you BUT I wanna see other people." " I'm pregnant, BUT it isn't yours." "That's a nice dress BUT is it supposed to look like that?" Yes, BUT....watch out for the BUT statement. It's a nice way to say something, but it often puts the truth second. Say the truth.
One of my favorite word sets of power that people don't really contemplate is, "Will you marry me?" People are often too busy thinking about the jewelry, the dress, the fancy party. When someone is asking you this phrase they are asking approximately 1,000 other questions... A few of the questions that are being asked are : Will you share my last name, will you bear my children, will you hold my hand when I'm sick or scared, will you love me when I'm old, will you love me through fatness or skinny, will you support me if I lose my job, will you cook my meals, will you share my home, bed, and address with me, will you put up with my family, my mother, my siblings, and hold me when my gramma is sick, will you love me when I am not loveable, will you tell me I'm the best thing that happened in your life even when I am getting on your nerves, will you love and cherish me, will you say my name differently than everyone else, will you trust me, will you take care of me and our household, will you be last kiss, will you always be there for me, will you chose me day in and day out, will you be my helpmate, my soul mate, my cheerleader, my partner, my safe place, and the one person who I can turn to when I need someone.... There are many many more these are just the first ones that come to my mind.
Words that we don't say can be important. If someone says I love you etc and you don't say them back the silence left in-between is also powerful. When I approach a tall bossy man in my life and whine and act like a big baby and he tells me to, "Suck it up, Buttercup" without judging me, without pointing out the fact that I'm being annoying, without being mean, and without yelling. I know he has my best interest at heart.
All the things we say, when we say them, who we say them to, the tone in which we say them, when we let silence speak louder than the words themselves....
Words have power.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Teenagers...
The truth is a lot of the time 9th graders (or teenagers in general) get a bad wrap. They get accused of being gross, of being dirty, or rude. I understand that there are teenagers who fit that mold; BUT there are also adults who not only fill that mold but also exceed it.
I confess... I like teenagers. I prefer most the 9th graders that I teach. Partially because I am biased towards my babies and partially because once they hit sophomore year they feel more entitled and act "harder" and thus begin to annoy me. Nevertheless, I think they are amazing people. I know that people will find this shocking. I am in amazement of how they can shift focus, attitude, emotions, and intelligence in 5 seconds flat. I find it intriguing.
Some days the emotional turmoil in my room is so strong you can almost smell it. To me it is the most raw and unedited version of psychology. Yes, I understand that officially the rules of basic psychology do not apply to teenagers as their frontal lobes of their brains are not fully formed until nearish the end of "teen" years. However, my personal theory is that since the are soo near adulthood and are already beginning to grow, shape, and change into the adults that they will eventually be some of the emotions etc. are already in their but bob around like apples in water. They are so raw with emotion that at times it is a warzone both metaphorically and literally. I my empathy is sometimes in overdrive as I observe them that I have to walk away and catch my breath.
Some days wisdom is a rollercoaster. One minute a student will be describing how he/she thinks that the world could end world hunger, the next second someone ( or even the same student) will make a fart joke, then ten minutes goes by and I will have been asked about everything under the sun...from why your pee smells weird after you eat asparagus, to why is Zeus the head of the Greek gods and goddess, to why is the sky blue, to why do both sexes have nipples if only girls get boobs... I never know what genius or simplicity will come out of their mouths. I have previously wondered a lot of the things they ask me, so I am not phased by much anymore. Once and a while one child will ask me something odd.. not often and even more rarely I have students who will ask me things that I have never contemplated. I ask my best friend Google or any of the brilliant people I have in my life. :)
I grow more understanding of relationships and interpersonal skills the more years that I teach. I have been a teacher for 7 years and in education for the last 10 yrs. I have learned a lot of things about how words can have more power than I ever realized. I learned how not saying words also have power. I learned how a misquote or misunderstanding can really get blown out of proportion.
I thought I had learned about communication in college, being an adult, being previously married, but nope. I really learned about people and communication through people who are often and at it. For all the things they do right and all the things they do wrong I learn. I love teaching. I love that I learn so much about humanity and all the human condition. I love that I learn from them. It really is true about teaching, I learn from them as much as I hope they learn from me.
And that simple fact makes me love my job, love my kiddos, and learn every day about life.
Teenagers aren't bad, they are just the most edited and raw versions of humanity. Every aspect. Teaching them is like going back to getting my humanities degree, except this time, it's hands on and the homework is emotional.
I confess... I like teenagers. I prefer most the 9th graders that I teach. Partially because I am biased towards my babies and partially because once they hit sophomore year they feel more entitled and act "harder" and thus begin to annoy me. Nevertheless, I think they are amazing people. I know that people will find this shocking. I am in amazement of how they can shift focus, attitude, emotions, and intelligence in 5 seconds flat. I find it intriguing.
Some days the emotional turmoil in my room is so strong you can almost smell it. To me it is the most raw and unedited version of psychology. Yes, I understand that officially the rules of basic psychology do not apply to teenagers as their frontal lobes of their brains are not fully formed until nearish the end of "teen" years. However, my personal theory is that since the are soo near adulthood and are already beginning to grow, shape, and change into the adults that they will eventually be some of the emotions etc. are already in their but bob around like apples in water. They are so raw with emotion that at times it is a warzone both metaphorically and literally. I my empathy is sometimes in overdrive as I observe them that I have to walk away and catch my breath.
Some days wisdom is a rollercoaster. One minute a student will be describing how he/she thinks that the world could end world hunger, the next second someone ( or even the same student) will make a fart joke, then ten minutes goes by and I will have been asked about everything under the sun...from why your pee smells weird after you eat asparagus, to why is Zeus the head of the Greek gods and goddess, to why is the sky blue, to why do both sexes have nipples if only girls get boobs... I never know what genius or simplicity will come out of their mouths. I have previously wondered a lot of the things they ask me, so I am not phased by much anymore. Once and a while one child will ask me something odd.. not often and even more rarely I have students who will ask me things that I have never contemplated. I ask my best friend Google or any of the brilliant people I have in my life. :)
I grow more understanding of relationships and interpersonal skills the more years that I teach. I have been a teacher for 7 years and in education for the last 10 yrs. I have learned a lot of things about how words can have more power than I ever realized. I learned how not saying words also have power. I learned how a misquote or misunderstanding can really get blown out of proportion.
I thought I had learned about communication in college, being an adult, being previously married, but nope. I really learned about people and communication through people who are often and at it. For all the things they do right and all the things they do wrong I learn. I love teaching. I love that I learn so much about humanity and all the human condition. I love that I learn from them. It really is true about teaching, I learn from them as much as I hope they learn from me.
And that simple fact makes me love my job, love my kiddos, and learn every day about life.
Teenagers aren't bad, they are just the most edited and raw versions of humanity. Every aspect. Teaching them is like going back to getting my humanities degree, except this time, it's hands on and the homework is emotional.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Timing is everything....
It turns out that the rest of the world is not on the same internal schedule as I am.
I have no sense of time. I require very small amounts of sleep and still maintain a very happy outlook.
I think of it as simply enjoying as much of my life as possible. I fully embrace the fact that every life is short and terminal and no one can escape this factor. I want to absorb so much of life and love that I would sacrifice sleep for them. My phone is always beside my bed, the ringer is always on, and I ALWAYS answer... Happily in fact. My texts come through.. however; I have only a few people whose texts actually make sounds and wake me up.A few people I love and adore, a new mommy who might need to ramble or cry, a new friend who works crazy hours,etc.
The funny thing is that I am even more open minded after about 12:30...
I also have learned a lot about me by answering my phone after 12:30. I am more honest at that time of the morning. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am not thinking about editing what I want, think, feel, or desire. I just follow my heart. I go with my instincts. Luckily for me, the few people who speak to me then are people that I would trust my life with. Which is good, as some of the things I will confess or say then... the kinds of things that can lead to being judged.
I have had deep conversations about
where I hope to be in 5 years... ( happy)
what I want out of life... (peace)
whether or not I regret anything...( I don't . EVERYTHING happens for a reason)
what I want in my love..(commitment and to never doubt him)
what I expect from others (honesty)
what I have to give (devotion)
Anyway back to timing. I have no sense of time. I can get involved in doing something, especially art or writing related and completely lose track. It happens mainly early in the morning or in the latest of late hours before the moon sneaks off. I prefer these hours. I like the simplicity of them. I thrive on the idea that I might be the one person up in my house ( or even my neighborhood) enjoying this time before the chaos and calamity of the day. I love being able to look and see the stars and think that no one else is enjoying their beauty. For some reason it makes me feel spoiled.
I suspect the reason I like to talk, write, clean, or just be up is because I feel the most me. As I previously mentioned before, I lack what little filter I have at these hours. I am unedited and raw and the most 'me'. Add to the unedited-ness to the fact that when I am on the phone.. computer... texting etc the distance of not being face to face makes everything feel more secure and less transparent. And on the times when I was blessed to be face to face chatting with people and metaphorically bearing it all, I don't turn on all the lights to add the same "safe" distance. There is just something so scary about telling someone anything serious face to face with all the lights on.
I don't love to clean my house... unless it's after 10:30.. and then I must be shimmying to music. I dunno why. Prolly too many years of cleaning house with my momma as the " rosy fingers of dawn" crept over the horizon listening the Mommas and Poppas or Neil Sedaka. I loved Neil Sedaka as a kid... but it was because I was biased. How can anyone not love an 8 track that nearly every song has your name in it? :)
I love shopping at Walmart in the wee hours so that there are less people, not necessarily less crazy.. but less of them. Laying in the truck bed at just talking so much better at weird hours than in the afternoon. I wish I understood my crazy fascination with odd hours, but I do not. Maybe my own personal oddity feels at ease with the oddity of it. I dunno.
Al I know is that timing when if comes to the day, and in life, makes all the difference.
I have no sense of time. I require very small amounts of sleep and still maintain a very happy outlook.
I think of it as simply enjoying as much of my life as possible. I fully embrace the fact that every life is short and terminal and no one can escape this factor. I want to absorb so much of life and love that I would sacrifice sleep for them. My phone is always beside my bed, the ringer is always on, and I ALWAYS answer... Happily in fact. My texts come through.. however; I have only a few people whose texts actually make sounds and wake me up.A few people I love and adore, a new mommy who might need to ramble or cry, a new friend who works crazy hours,etc.
The funny thing is that I am even more open minded after about 12:30...
I also have learned a lot about me by answering my phone after 12:30. I am more honest at that time of the morning. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am not thinking about editing what I want, think, feel, or desire. I just follow my heart. I go with my instincts. Luckily for me, the few people who speak to me then are people that I would trust my life with. Which is good, as some of the things I will confess or say then... the kinds of things that can lead to being judged.
I have had deep conversations about
where I hope to be in 5 years... ( happy)
what I want out of life... (peace)
whether or not I regret anything...( I don't . EVERYTHING happens for a reason)
what I want in my love..(commitment and to never doubt him)
what I expect from others (honesty)
what I have to give (devotion)
Anyway back to timing. I have no sense of time. I can get involved in doing something, especially art or writing related and completely lose track. It happens mainly early in the morning or in the latest of late hours before the moon sneaks off. I prefer these hours. I like the simplicity of them. I thrive on the idea that I might be the one person up in my house ( or even my neighborhood) enjoying this time before the chaos and calamity of the day. I love being able to look and see the stars and think that no one else is enjoying their beauty. For some reason it makes me feel spoiled.
I suspect the reason I like to talk, write, clean, or just be up is because I feel the most me. As I previously mentioned before, I lack what little filter I have at these hours. I am unedited and raw and the most 'me'. Add to the unedited-ness to the fact that when I am on the phone.. computer... texting etc the distance of not being face to face makes everything feel more secure and less transparent. And on the times when I was blessed to be face to face chatting with people and metaphorically bearing it all, I don't turn on all the lights to add the same "safe" distance. There is just something so scary about telling someone anything serious face to face with all the lights on.
I don't love to clean my house... unless it's after 10:30.. and then I must be shimmying to music. I dunno why. Prolly too many years of cleaning house with my momma as the " rosy fingers of dawn" crept over the horizon listening the Mommas and Poppas or Neil Sedaka. I loved Neil Sedaka as a kid... but it was because I was biased. How can anyone not love an 8 track that nearly every song has your name in it? :)
I love shopping at Walmart in the wee hours so that there are less people, not necessarily less crazy.. but less of them. Laying in the truck bed at just talking so much better at weird hours than in the afternoon. I wish I understood my crazy fascination with odd hours, but I do not. Maybe my own personal oddity feels at ease with the oddity of it. I dunno.
Al I know is that timing when if comes to the day, and in life, makes all the difference.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Relationship Rules
Relationship is a big word. I think many people overuse it. They have no idea how it effects (cause & effects) and affects (emotional) them. There is no specific pattern to how to build a relationship, no magic formula. Sometimes I think that they would be easier if there was...although, I think they would be less enjoyable.
I have heard some people try to make rules about how long a couple should be friends first, how long should date, the length of time they are to be engaged, if they should do this or that, if they should adopt an animal to learn about parenting styles ..blah ...blah.. blah.
I get all of those. In fact, I have previously been a student in that school of thought. I also failed. I have started relationships doing everything by the book, following every rule, down to the don't kiss on a first date. As it turns out I was no happier at the end of the relationship than a couple of the crazy, no chance at a real future at all, ones. I believe that there are some rules that are too big to break and that the little things are the big things. I don't mean the how a man treats his momma is how he will treat his wife. ( Although I personally believe this one) I mean the things I ponder while I read Romeo & Juliet with my classes and I wonder if they would have made it..
A few of the things I have learned...
a. Mrs. Kennedy was right.
Mrs. Kennedy was my 9th grade English teacher. She would randomly sprinkle in life advice as she was teaching. She is one of my roll models of what kind of a teacher I want to be like. She made a statement while we were studying "Romeo & Juliet." She said, if you ever have to choose between two people on who to spend your life with... choose the one who makes you laugh and you can talk to for hours. It doesn't matter how great the other one kisses or how much you want them. When you are old you will remember the one who you kissed but the one who made you laugh you will always think of and miss. I always wanted to ask her which one she had chosen; but I wasn't brave back then.
b. Don't settle for someone you can live with, be with someone you can't live without.
Yes, everyone and their dog will tell you how similar interests and compatibility are the big things. I am not as sure about those as I was at 18. If I wanted someone to just hang out, I have girlfriends. I need someone to balance me. Someone who calls me on my crazy and makes me better. Knifes don't stay sharp on their own. They need to be sharpened. I don't need someone to just tell me what I want to hear, I need honesty and someone who I can trust enough to tell me the truth even when it is the last thing I want to hear.
c. The right ones will stay the wrong ones will leave.
People who love you will make choices to be with you. Literally and figuratively. Cheating is leaving. How I spend my time and who I give it to says a lot about me. If I give up sleep or whatever for you... there is a reason. Anyone can be kind and sweet on a date. I don't want to spend extended time with everyone at 2 am ; that time is reserved for people I care about on a totally different plane.
d. When you know; you KNOW.
I believe that your heart will truly guide you. I believe all those lovely stories told by old men who watched a woman walk into somewhere, took one look at her, and then told his buddies he was gonna marry her, then promptly did. I personally have listened to a few of them(... my favorite one...)
He told me that he knew the exact second she walked into the door.
It was during a war...and they married quickly... and he left shortly there after.
After he got back they started a family and continued on with an amazing life.
Here's the part that melted my heart; She had never heard the story until she heard him tell it to me. I saw the sparkle in his eyes. She looked at him incredulously and teasingly called him a old fibber. He then promptly described her dress and how she wore her hair. The look on her face I will never forget. He wasn't a fibber. Truth is, he was man still in love with the woman who walked into that jazz club all those years ago. When you know, you know.
e. Crazy is better.
"People don't write sonnets about being compatible. Or novels about shared life goals and stimulating conversation The great loves are the crazy ones. " Anyone can make you smile... but not everyone can make you truly happy. Seek happy. Seek crazy.
f. Actions are the words.
It doesn't matter how often someone says "I love you" or says they care about you. If their actions don't say it... They don't. If you have to worry about if they care about you... they don't care enough.
Find the person who you'd rather stay up until 2 am.
Kiss the one who gives you butterflies.
Hold on to the person who reaches out for you without looking just to make sure you are there.
Be with the person who you are content just being in the same building with.
Anything else... Isn't crazy enough. ;)
Monday, May 6, 2013
Loss
I can not even begin to describe what loss feels like for other people. I consider it a gift that I often understand people on a real, raw level; however, I am thankful that I cannot understand their loss.
This last month has been a rollercoaster of loss. Babies taken too soon due to reasons that are beyond a magnitude that my simplicity can understand. All life is precious. There are no members of our society that shuld be considered "throw away." And yet, abuse, death, disease, illness, and accidents take people we love away from us every day.
I struggle with trying to find the "right words" to help people I love and care about when they are the ones hurting. Then I think back to my own life and remember that it wasn't always about the words; because frankly, the wrong words just make you angry. But more importantly it's about being a shadow. I can say, "I'm sorry." I can say, " This sucks." I can say, "I don't understand." or maybe there is a bigger picture.. but each and every one of those phrases could be said by a thousand other people. My role is to be the shadow. I mean the person who waits behind the ones I care about and.. well.. waits until the need me. When they need to talk. If they never want to talk but just want to breathe the same air, I can do that. I can shadow them and be there.
I know when my dad was accidentally taken from me;I was unable to process. I was unable to express what I needed. I KNEW I didn't need all the people who were in my face asking if I needed this or that or who wanted to hug. I didn't need them. I needed room to breathe...room to feel the air around me. All I knew was that I hurt, I didn't understand, and that somehow everything was different .. everything. Even the air around me felt.. Different.
And as I try to process the extreme loss of those near and far from me. I remember that loss is hard. I think about my own memories. They don't come in waves but often in little vingettes of memories.
The touch of a teeny tiny baby hand..
The gruff of beard...
the laughter of little kids...
God grant me the ability to be a shadow and be there for those I love when they need me when they need me. Help me to accept the path... because I am wise enough to know I won't ever understand.
God help me.
God help them.
Know their needs... give them peace.
Comfort.
Rest.
This last month has been a rollercoaster of loss. Babies taken too soon due to reasons that are beyond a magnitude that my simplicity can understand. All life is precious. There are no members of our society that shuld be considered "throw away." And yet, abuse, death, disease, illness, and accidents take people we love away from us every day.
I struggle with trying to find the "right words" to help people I love and care about when they are the ones hurting. Then I think back to my own life and remember that it wasn't always about the words; because frankly, the wrong words just make you angry. But more importantly it's about being a shadow. I can say, "I'm sorry." I can say, " This sucks." I can say, "I don't understand." or maybe there is a bigger picture.. but each and every one of those phrases could be said by a thousand other people. My role is to be the shadow. I mean the person who waits behind the ones I care about and.. well.. waits until the need me. When they need to talk. If they never want to talk but just want to breathe the same air, I can do that. I can shadow them and be there.
I know when my dad was accidentally taken from me;I was unable to process. I was unable to express what I needed. I KNEW I didn't need all the people who were in my face asking if I needed this or that or who wanted to hug. I didn't need them. I needed room to breathe...room to feel the air around me. All I knew was that I hurt, I didn't understand, and that somehow everything was different .. everything. Even the air around me felt.. Different.
And as I try to process the extreme loss of those near and far from me. I remember that loss is hard. I think about my own memories. They don't come in waves but often in little vingettes of memories.
The touch of a teeny tiny baby hand..
The gruff of beard...
the laughter of little kids...
God grant me the ability to be a shadow and be there for those I love when they need me when they need me. Help me to accept the path... because I am wise enough to know I won't ever understand.
God help me.
God help them.
Know their needs... give them peace.
Comfort.
Rest.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Gone VS Gained... Mom edition
I am naturally a worrier. I think up stuff. I contemplate. I ponder. I dream. I plan; although not literally as I am often motivated by emotions and gut instinct and less by logic. I worried about having kid(s)... I waited...
I waited 5 years to have my son. Trust me, that in itself is a crazy thing. I always said I didn't want kids, and when I finally starting "growing up" I decided I would like ONE girl. No boys. Just a girl. Somehow I had decided if I declared it and put in my order with God, he would see that I was correct in my assessment of what I wanted and what I "needed" and give it to me.
Things I have learned...
We get what we NEED and not just what we want..
God has a sense of humor...
& I must still be a sapling in the grand scheme of things as he enjoys seeing how far I can bend..
Anyway.. As I was saying. I wanted a girl. I even had her pictured in my head. Green eyes like my dad, red hair like the kid version of me, the ability to tan, adorable freckles across her nose and shoulders, and curls like my Aunt Fern. She would be lovely; And look a lot like Barbie's friend, Midge. But that wasn't something I necessarily discussed with people.
The moment the tech told me I was growing a male child I swallowed hard, blinked back the tears, and began the shifting my plans of my child like a rubrics cube. Gone were the cute bows, pony tails, and braids... Gone were the baby names that ended in "lee" Haylee, Kaylee, and a possible wild card of Charlee for my Grandpa Charlie and my daddy's middle name of Lee. Gone was the closeness I had with my momma that I would pass down to my lil pumpkin. Gone were the hours of prom dress shopping and convincing her dad to spend more on the "perfect dress"... Gone were late night painting of toenails and talking about boys... Gone was the image of what kinda momma I would be.
However; turns out... when you give up an "idea" of what you THINK you want you find out what you NEEDED in your life ( this applies to other situations as well )
I may have lost an "idea" but I in turn gained the "ideal" child. I gained a child who picks me all stages of "dandylion" flowers and holds them with such love and reverence it nearly makes my eyes water, I gained a knight who slays the dragons in my hallway and a warrior who kills the ninjas in my backyard all to protect me, I gained a logical side to balance my emotional impulse, I gained a tough guy.. I gained a man-child who opens the door for me and almost always uses Ma'm, I gained giant SQUISHED hugs that squeeze the breathe out of me, I gained counting kisses to make sure I had enough to sustain me for the day, I gained a small temper that makes me crazy and makes me miss my father, I gained a future man that will be too good for his wife because there isn't a woman who can love him like I do... and yet... I will smile and hug her and tell her she is the perfect woman if she and he are happy. I gained an understanding of the world .. there must be wild and rough things in it to make the beauty have balance and protection. I never understood it all until him.
This boy who constantly makes me wanna pull out my hair and yet touched my heart so much I hafta leave the room and cry because there is no other parent on duty to balance my girliness and he needs a strong influence that sometimes I fail at.
He is more than I could have ever asked for in life. And if someone had told me I would be a "boymom" in the future I would have given them a few choice words and some direction of where to go.. BUT
THIS boy..
This BOY..
He is what I needed in my life.
And again ... I worry..
Let me not fail him. Let me help to build a MAN, a future husband.. a father who is strong hearted for his kids. Let me show him love so deeply that when he finds his partner in life that he will recognize it like a best friend you have know for years.
Let me be the "boymom" and the mother I was chosen to be.
I waited 5 years to have my son. Trust me, that in itself is a crazy thing. I always said I didn't want kids, and when I finally starting "growing up" I decided I would like ONE girl. No boys. Just a girl. Somehow I had decided if I declared it and put in my order with God, he would see that I was correct in my assessment of what I wanted and what I "needed" and give it to me.
Things I have learned...
We get what we NEED and not just what we want..
God has a sense of humor...
& I must still be a sapling in the grand scheme of things as he enjoys seeing how far I can bend..
Anyway.. As I was saying. I wanted a girl. I even had her pictured in my head. Green eyes like my dad, red hair like the kid version of me, the ability to tan, adorable freckles across her nose and shoulders, and curls like my Aunt Fern. She would be lovely; And look a lot like Barbie's friend, Midge. But that wasn't something I necessarily discussed with people.
The moment the tech told me I was growing a male child I swallowed hard, blinked back the tears, and began the shifting my plans of my child like a rubrics cube. Gone were the cute bows, pony tails, and braids... Gone were the baby names that ended in "lee" Haylee, Kaylee, and a possible wild card of Charlee for my Grandpa Charlie and my daddy's middle name of Lee. Gone was the closeness I had with my momma that I would pass down to my lil pumpkin. Gone were the hours of prom dress shopping and convincing her dad to spend more on the "perfect dress"... Gone were late night painting of toenails and talking about boys... Gone was the image of what kinda momma I would be.
However; turns out... when you give up an "idea" of what you THINK you want you find out what you NEEDED in your life ( this applies to other situations as well )
I may have lost an "idea" but I in turn gained the "ideal" child. I gained a child who picks me all stages of "dandylion" flowers and holds them with such love and reverence it nearly makes my eyes water, I gained a knight who slays the dragons in my hallway and a warrior who kills the ninjas in my backyard all to protect me, I gained a logical side to balance my emotional impulse, I gained a tough guy.. I gained a man-child who opens the door for me and almost always uses Ma'm, I gained giant SQUISHED hugs that squeeze the breathe out of me, I gained counting kisses to make sure I had enough to sustain me for the day, I gained a small temper that makes me crazy and makes me miss my father, I gained a future man that will be too good for his wife because there isn't a woman who can love him like I do... and yet... I will smile and hug her and tell her she is the perfect woman if she and he are happy. I gained an understanding of the world .. there must be wild and rough things in it to make the beauty have balance and protection. I never understood it all until him.
This boy who constantly makes me wanna pull out my hair and yet touched my heart so much I hafta leave the room and cry because there is no other parent on duty to balance my girliness and he needs a strong influence that sometimes I fail at.
He is more than I could have ever asked for in life. And if someone had told me I would be a "boymom" in the future I would have given them a few choice words and some direction of where to go.. BUT
THIS boy..
This BOY..
He is what I needed in my life.
And again ... I worry..
Let me not fail him. Let me help to build a MAN, a future husband.. a father who is strong hearted for his kids. Let me show him love so deeply that when he finds his partner in life that he will recognize it like a best friend you have know for years.
Let me be the "boymom" and the mother I was chosen to be.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
The Weight of Caring
Everything on the planet Earth has weight; as in the amount of mass that gravity effects. I understand that on a purely normal level where if I pick up something with more mass it feels heavy. I am sure all the Mr. Wizards of the world will argue that it's more complex but the simple truth is... I know what I need to know about it. My mass keeps me on Earth.. when I eat more cookies I get more mass..etc.
However the longer I teach and interact with people I am beginning to understand that the internal weight of situations and people is often grandeur and far, far, heavier than the actual physical weight of things.
For example...
When my "kiddos" past or present trusts me with the following info...
- I'm gay and I dunno how to tell my momma.
- I think I might be pregnant.
- My dad was killed last night.
- I think I am miscarrying...right now...
- I'm in a relationship, and I love my girlfriend, but I cheated and now I'm pregnant.
-I need help.
- My bff has started cutting themselves and I'm scared for her.
- I'm addicted to drugs and I need rehab. My momma doesn't even know I'm on drugs. How do I tell her and get her to put me in rehab?
- I'm scared of.... (this one has changed faces too many times ...)
- I don't feel normal because...
- Is it normal that I...
Over the years I have truly had to work on not allowing my face to react. I have gained a whole new understanding of other people and the demons they face. I broke out of the box that I lived in and started to see the world through eyes and experiences that were far removed from my own. I found out that all the crazy, shady, dramatic, or hurt in my past made me the exact person that other people needed. I FINALLY understood that my history my past, my hurt, my pain, had all lead me to this point, to this moment... because it is so much bigger than me.
And....
I learned....
that caring for other people holds it's own version of mass. It weighs you down. It pulls at you...drags your heart down. The worries I have for other people stick around in the back of my mind like cobwebs. They are small and often undetected. They can be ignored for a small amount of time but eventually I notice them and then.. all of the sudden I am very aware of them and the cobwebs grow into VW bugs sitting in the corner of my mind. I try to cover them up and convince myself and other people they aren't there... but it's hard not to notice a VW bug just sitting in the corner.
Caring for others has a cost. It mentally and often physically has mass for the emphatic person.
However; the really interesting factor that few people state about the weight of caring for others...
it is totally worth it.
My heart is full. And while I give up sleep worrying I also sleep more restfully knowing I helped someone. I love that. I know some of you might think I am simple in my assessment of the world and that my ideas are not fully developed..blah blah blah.. BUT.. I love the simplicity of knowing I was given this golden opportunity and I didn't run and I didn't give up. I took the moment and used what I had and made it better.
Yes, the weight of caring and compassion is heavy and often sits in the corner of my mind no matter how hard I try to cover it up and pretend it doesn't effect ( & also affect) me...
BUT
for me,
It's worth it.
And as long as it does I will hand over my heartstrings to be played, my nerve and sinew to be stretched, and my thoughts to be shared. Because for me, it's worth it.
And I will carry the weight.
However the longer I teach and interact with people I am beginning to understand that the internal weight of situations and people is often grandeur and far, far, heavier than the actual physical weight of things.
For example...
When my "kiddos" past or present trusts me with the following info...
- I'm gay and I dunno how to tell my momma.
- I think I might be pregnant.
- My dad was killed last night.
- I think I am miscarrying...right now...
- I'm in a relationship, and I love my girlfriend, but I cheated and now I'm pregnant.
-I need help.
- My bff has started cutting themselves and I'm scared for her.
- I'm addicted to drugs and I need rehab. My momma doesn't even know I'm on drugs. How do I tell her and get her to put me in rehab?
- I'm scared of.... (this one has changed faces too many times ...)
- I don't feel normal because...
- Is it normal that I...
Over the years I have truly had to work on not allowing my face to react. I have gained a whole new understanding of other people and the demons they face. I broke out of the box that I lived in and started to see the world through eyes and experiences that were far removed from my own. I found out that all the crazy, shady, dramatic, or hurt in my past made me the exact person that other people needed. I FINALLY understood that my history my past, my hurt, my pain, had all lead me to this point, to this moment... because it is so much bigger than me.
And....
I learned....
that caring for other people holds it's own version of mass. It weighs you down. It pulls at you...drags your heart down. The worries I have for other people stick around in the back of my mind like cobwebs. They are small and often undetected. They can be ignored for a small amount of time but eventually I notice them and then.. all of the sudden I am very aware of them and the cobwebs grow into VW bugs sitting in the corner of my mind. I try to cover them up and convince myself and other people they aren't there... but it's hard not to notice a VW bug just sitting in the corner.
Caring for others has a cost. It mentally and often physically has mass for the emphatic person.
However; the really interesting factor that few people state about the weight of caring for others...
it is totally worth it.
My heart is full. And while I give up sleep worrying I also sleep more restfully knowing I helped someone. I love that. I know some of you might think I am simple in my assessment of the world and that my ideas are not fully developed..blah blah blah.. BUT.. I love the simplicity of knowing I was given this golden opportunity and I didn't run and I didn't give up. I took the moment and used what I had and made it better.
Yes, the weight of caring and compassion is heavy and often sits in the corner of my mind no matter how hard I try to cover it up and pretend it doesn't effect ( & also affect) me...
BUT
for me,
It's worth it.
And as long as it does I will hand over my heartstrings to be played, my nerve and sinew to be stretched, and my thoughts to be shared. Because for me, it's worth it.
And I will carry the weight.
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