I never trust a boob ...

Two and a half years ago I found a lump in my right breast . I took 6 months to tell my doctor. It was the size of a pea and solid as a marble . It caused me to undergo multiple exams including ultrasounds, mammograms, and an MRI. So far, they say it's just a lump like mashed potatoes that haven't been squished enough. 

Two months ago, I found a much larger lump in my left breast. It came up very fast, and was considerably larger than the first.... To say that I was apprehensive  is a joke . I checked daily for 3 weeks before I made an appt because I know that sometimes changes in hormones/ cycles can fluctuate breast tissue .

It didn't change. 

It didn't go away. 

Went to the Dr anticipating her to scold me for being so emotionally reactive . She didn't. Another trip planned to the Breast Cancer center for more ultrasounds and more mammograms ...

Unfortunately, I had to set it up for the week AFTER finals and the week of Christmas. 

I wait and wait for three weeks, suspicious of every ache, muscle tightness, or spot on my chest. I emotionally eat my way through December... 

I give my momma the date of my appointment and she comes. We chat on the waiting room and annoy other people with our odd banter and bad jokes ... 

Finally we go back and I get topless. 

Funny thing about being topless and nervous ... Even at over thirty, having your momma with you when you are nervous or sick, still helps .

Both the ultrasound tech and the dr. feel me up, take pics, rub this way , and  shift my boob that way.

They compare the pics to the information from two years ago. 

More rubbing... 

More ultrasound boobie pics ...

And they tell me that this lump does not look cancerous or suspicious . They did raise my risk factor numbers up to 18.5.

I won't lie and tell your that I trust my boobs. In fact,  my boobs sorta feel like time bombs on my chest waiting to rip everything about my life apart . 

Given the option, I would probably decide to either scrape them off and exchange them for less threatening ones.

Until they tell me that I can give my boobs the eviction notice, I will continue to do my monthly checks. 

Please remind those that you love to check the ladies . 

Boobs are not your identity . 

You are more than flesh, fat, and nipples .

 

Dearest Gossips, Kiss my snow white...

I am currently struggling with people gossiping and/or "sharing" details about my life.
Don't get me wrong I have a lot of crazy details that people can talk about. I have had a life that is shocking.

I HAVE been married three times.
They don't always know or share that the fact that the  first one he had a girlfriend and told me he wanted OUT or that we tried for 3 years after that to try to make it work. They forget that we were together for nearly 10 years and have a perfect child as a product of the marriage. That I DO NOT bad mouth my son's dad because  I believe that eventually my brilliant child will ask about any of the things I say about his dad and I will have to defend each and every one of them. I also believe that bad mouthing the other parent is in poor taste as the child is HALF of him too.

I have seen the dirty lustful messages between the man I loved and his side women. I have seen the graphic and pornographic pictures of the women on his phone. I have cried my eyes out more times than is rational. I have fought for my family.

They leave out the fact that my second marriage was a disaster. I DID make a mistake. It also nearly cost me literally everything. I had to be let out of my home by the police. I had to file a VPO and change vehicles and the final straw that made me leave wasn't him controlling my fianances, not allowing me to go see my mother,  or what I wore, although he did that too, MY final straw was him getting more and more aggressive and violent and missed hitting me and hit the door etc. It was the thought that I would end up dead if I stayed. I had my bank account cleaned out. Where my ex told people I left because I was a cheating. I had to hold my head high while I scraped for money for food. I had to take my phone and send it to other parts of the city because my ex was able to track my phone. I had to change phone numbers and email. I lost a lot of my things. I literally had to fight my way out of a hole.  But that's the thing.... those are just things.

I am more than things...

I am the girl who forgives. I KNOW how to love. I am the mother who says prayers with my son and cries when he thanks God for me.I am battered and bruised but I am still standing.
I read with my son and ask him questions about his day and go on field trips with him because he is important to me. I am the mother who gave birth to a perfect tan child with jet black curls who  came home from the hospital in 3 month old clothes because he was 9 and a 1/2 lbs and three weeks overdue. I am the woman who believes in hope and happy. I literally have fell down stairs two years ago and broken and shifted my pelvis, broken vertebrae, pulled and pained and still worked every day because my son and I had bills to pay.

I have been cheated on, beat on, shoved, shamed, broken, bruised, and talked about...

I am still standing.
I am not bowing out.
I might be the under dog in this story...
but I am also the hero.

And since my gossipers are talking behind my back...
you are nearer my backside...

You can take your gossip and half truths and misinformed lies...
and kiss my snow white ....

That one time I wanted to bully another parents.....

Tonight my sweet munchkin and I went to McDonalds to have an ice cream and let him use the play place to exert some excessive "I didn't have school today " energy and interact with other kids..(drawback of being an only child)...
Anyway...
Shortly after we arrived a group of three larger and aggressive little boys arrived. They began to kick and pick on my munchkin. I was LESS THAN AMUSED.
I heard J say, "Guys, I'm going to need you to stop kicking at me with your shoes on... etc"
My first instinct was to announce loudly "J, if there is a problem with people not following the rules we can tell the manager" and/or guilt the other children's parents into doing their parental job or scare the other kids into behaving. BUT... I waited.
He wasn't being hurt.
He was still calm.
I continue to pretend not to notice...
As I waited, I hear my sweet nearly 7 year old never once actually raise his voice...but announce with authority and strength that they were done acting that way.
His voice did not waver.
He was sure of himself.
He was calm, cool, and collected.
He also did not have to threaten or bully back.

And I swallowed my insta-reaction of being a helicopter mom. He never even knew that I saw. He never mentioned it. He instead continued on with his calm, cool, and collected demeanor and shift the tides and convince a now even larger group of larger and older kids which games they would be playing.

If I would have stepped in and gone with my first reaction, I would have been wrong.
I would have:
- missed out on a opportunity for my son to take control of a situation
- missed seeing my son exhibit really amazing people skills
- robbed my growing son of his confidence
- undone some of the times I've told him to speak up for himself and be confident
-been that UGLY rude parent who "KNOWS EVEYRTHING"
-been the parent who harasses other peoples kids


But mostly...
I wouldn't have gotten to see what a potentially amazing future man my munchkin is growing into.
He was more responsible and grown up acting than I wanted to act. He exhibited so many of the skills that I want him to be as a man.

And so today...
I will sit and eat my cheap ice cream and let my kid be a leader in a group of larger older kids.
I will let go of some of my fear that because my son is softer spoken and on the small side that he can't handle things.
I will remember that his ability to be "a man" someday starts with all the little things now...
And I will sit near enough to listen but far away enough for him to be exactly the perfect mix of calm and a leader that I hope his future self will be.