I hate money. Literally.
I hate feeling that my time and effort can be valued by someone else at a monetary value. And what's worse... I save and save and save for things I want... and end almost always spending on things I HAVE to have. Not in the " OMG those shoes are amazing!" more in a .." OH CRAP I need a new battery for the car!" sorda way.
One bad thing.. I am a cheap skate. I don't actually like to spend money. I am paranoid and save save as much as I can. I pay my bills. I use coupons when I can. I shop at garage sales. I plan my entire weeks menu and only buy what I need and not just waste money on splurges. I save in big and small ways as much as I possibly can.
I spend money for other people. I like taking care of other people, people I love. I don't mind making their lives better or easier. However, when it come to spending money on myself... I feel guilty. When I get my hair cut I worry that my splurge will make it so that my son has to do without something. I worry that if I buy a dress or a pair of jeans that I will find them cheaper elsewhere or will need a new something that wasn't in my budget. I dont have buyers remorse... I have GUILT. I literally don't like to spend $20 on myself for new fancy flip flops that I will wear for the next two years until they wear out...and then I will reappropriate them to "lake" wear. I will however try to estimate how much they will cost if I wear them for "x" many months and if that number will be worth the overall value...
For example... My brain contemplates...2 years is 24 months... and the flip flops are $20... so I will technically have spent a little over a dollar a month... But will they last that long? Will they still be in style? are they really comfortable enough ? I'd like to tell you that this overly crazy thinking is just in larger purchases... but I would be lying. I do it with $5 sunglasses too. I worry that I will lose or break or hate them before I can get my $5 worth of use out of them.
And this is why I hate money. I stress and worry. I save and scrimp. I just wish that I could let go a little and just BE. The few times I attempted to do that... It was disastrous and the "fit hit the shan." so to speak. It's like money karma finds out I haven't worried and analyzed my budget and planned every meal, every growth spurt and prebought the next size up of clothes for my son... and it hunts me down like a weak baby rabbit and gets me.
I sometimes wonder if I were to change jobs if it would make my life easier. I teach in Oklahoma in an urban public high school. I wonder if I would be happy doing anything else.. I doubt it. I wonder if the money would allow me to give my son a better life. I dunno. I don't buy big things. I don't own fancy things. I live in a little house, pay my bills, work a lot, love my family, and thrive on my summers off where I spoil and love my son more than most parents can hope to.
I truly enjoy teaching. I spend roughly 6 hours of my day with an average of 30 freshman. And the thing is... I really don't have any complaints about it. I like seeing their light bulbs come on when they understand things and I truly laugh with them and sometimes at them... A LOT. So if it's true that laughter makes you live longer....Imma be an old old woman :)
But then I worry that me and my job aren't enough to give my munchkin what he needs or deserves...
And I over think... plan... cut cost...
and hate money.
