I have in my past been a bit of an “I love you” slut. I used
it casually and didn’t put forth as much effort as I should have. I used it
with people I loved, but was not in love with. I do still use it a lot with my
friends, my family, my munchkin, and honestly, my students… because I have no
doubt that I do very genuinely love them. I will admit that I care about
people. Although, how deeply I oft leave off. That does not mean I do not care,
and it does not mean that I wouldn’t endure bone marrow transplant for those
people ; which I hear is supposed to be one of the most painful medical
procedures and involves needles… I have a fear of needles and am a whimp when
it comes to pain. I wanted to get back to a purer version of “I love you.” I wanted the people I
said it to, to KNOW I meant it with the absolute bottom of my heart. I wanted my actions to stand for more. I
wanted my intentional choices to be a reflection of my heart. I dunno that I
had actually expressed or explained that to the person or person(s) who needed
to know it, but in my head I knew.
“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” Oscar Wilde
It’s funny how you remember some things but not others. I remember that quote
as clearly as the day I sat in the library working on a research paper in high
school about Mr. Wilde. I can picture the black ink pen in my hand, the green
book from which I was copying it, and the white unlined notecard in front of me
as I scrawled it out word for word. I
think part of why I remember the quote is because I was at first taken about by
the idea of it. My brain couldn’t fathom it at first and so I sat staring at
it, contemplating it. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. The
more truth and weight it held. Before that moment I hadn’t ever pondered the
idea that the truth could be anything other than “truth.” I remember tucking
the card along with about 15 others into my binder and throwing it all into my
ever crammed backpack. That one card had started the thought army and its
descent on the beaches of Normandy of my brain…creeping in where I wasn’t
armed… sneaking under other thoughts that were seemingly unrelated. .. hidden
behind things that were what I had previously thought were simple.
I bring all this up to try to explain my personal lockdown
and fear of the phrase, “I love you.” I
have come through a couple ugly relationships. I do not say that as an excuse
for pity. I say it as a way to preface why the phrase “I love you” has shifted
in my mind and become a more meaningful thing than it was previously used
before.
I do feel the “I love you” rise up inside of me. I do almost
say it. I did hear it screamed in my head as I snuggled in for bed. I did feel
it as I kiss the face I adore goodbye. When the perfect hand is laid on my leg,
I nearly choke on the words…but… I swallow them down. It’s not that I don’t
want to say them. It’s not that they are not true. They are so pure and so honest,
to say them scares me. I am afraid that if I utter them, the other person whom
I care so deeply about that I can’t sleep at night will not understand and that I have waited to say them because
this time they are the exact perfect thing. What if I say them and the other
person says they were “only joking” and I am so hurt that I nearly cry…sigh.
What if they say them and it’s just a trap to have me confess my feelings only
to have them make fun of me for being so foolish? What if my heart is just a
game to be won like a game of tic tac toe? What if I let go and tell them that
I don’t just care about them, that I do in fact, love them, and they don’t feel
the same and the whole thing gets all weird and awkward and we stop talking?
And here’s where I
get back to Mr. Wilde. The truth about all this isn’t simple; and it’s not
totally pure. I don’t say it not because it’s not true…and it’s not because
they don’t know I care. I have been pretty open with the fact that I do
genuinely care. I just can’t seem to let go of my fear. And until I can let of my fear.. I try to let
my actions say what my heart beats say everytime we talk.
The truth about me isn’t simple.
And my crazy isn’t pure.
My feelings and emotions are genuine.
I care more than I have understanding and more than I have
the ability to verbalize.
Not the silly “Luv ya.”
Not the non personal, “Love you,”
Not the”lol, you know I love you but…”
Real ..true..
“ I love you”: I miss you when we aren’t together. I miss
seeing you. I am in love with you. I worry about you. I pray for you daily.
