I am often paranoid that I am failing at not being enough .
Good enough
Smart enough
Pretty enough
Working hard enough .
I struggle desperately with second guessing and feeling the guilt of not doing enough to earn my place in the world . I am aware that part of this is likely a reaction to a previous marriage where I was I was constantly told I was a poor excuse for a human. I was told I didn't do enough and I never seemed to measure up to standards that were ever shifting . If I dressed like a "lady" and had on heels and hose I was too provocative and asked who I was trying to impress and accused of cheating . If I dressed down I was accused to "letting myself go" and told to go change.
I was supposed to be the sole person in charge of laundry, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kid. I had to explain how I spent my every minute after school prior to his arrival home . It didn't matter that we both worked full time jobs. I was failing as a wife and a mother .
I was the one in charge of making sure the munchkin was dressed and ready for school . I was exclusively the one person in charge of coordinating with teachers . To the rest of the world he would present himself as the "man" who was handling everything and told people I was "absent minded " and couldn't do things on my own. He would tell people that he was always taking care of things. He talked about me like I was a child incapable of medial tasks.
If funds ran short and things weren't right, I was the one who had to figure out how to make money stretch and plan meals with limited funds and make magical meals appear out of slim means. If I complained about money, I was told it was my fault for not better managing things and "once again" he would take care of things ... It didn't matter that I was trying to feed a family of 4 and two dogs and a cat on $40 for a week. It didn't matter that he was eating out every day and I was planning sandwiches and hoping no one wanted toast that week because I would be short. Sometimes I would get an "allowance," but would often give it to my stepson for lunch money . No matter what I had to be able to account for each and every dollar from it.
He told me I was lazy. He told me I was stupid and didn't pay attention. He got angry when things were not handled a certain way...Regardless if I was informed that those things needed to be that way . You might think that this is absurd.. How could any educated woman listen to anyone tell them such crazy things ?!
It's far more simple than you realize to lose grips on who you are as person. It's like holding the reigns of a horse; if you grip a horse very tight and never give them slack they fight you and back away. But if you slowly pull back little by little the horse will back themselves into corner until they themselves can't see a way out . The same was true with my self respect . Little by little it was chipped away ... Snide comment here... Question there ...frustrated cruelty here.. Until all those little things add up to where I was unable to recognize me . I was afraid to do things because I was always wrong . I was afraid to not do things because that meant I would be chastised and critiqued for being stupid and not doing things . I was raised to take care of others. I was raised to believe, " love is an action. " It is the verb of affection, and sacrifice, and spoiling the other person as a means to make them happy. I would try my hardest to do everything to not upset my spouse. I would struggle and try to make everything easy. I would smile and tell everyone that everything was wonderful... but it wasn't.
I lost who I was . I stopped seeing myself and instead focused on trying not to get into trouble . I focused on trying so very hard be the "perfect" person. Perfection is impossible . Perfection is even more impossible when my spouse kept changing the rules on what they wanted from me . (The same can be true for kids from parents... If clear rules aren't established )
I was afraid of being yelled at, criticized for not being enough , and the fists pounded into doors and walls made me jumpy and paranoid. I was scared that every time I "messed up," it would make him mad at me and I wasn't sure what he would do. I stopped thinking for myself and stressed over everything . I wouldn't tell anyone because I began to believe that I wasn't good enough. I feared being yelled at. I didn't know how to handle emotions. With every fist punch into the walls and doors and next to me I got more quiet and more fearful that it would be me next time. I told myself if I would just do things that made him happy it would be enough. I told myself that if I wasn't stupid everything would work out.... But I wasn't the problem.
If you tell someone over and over and over again that they are stupid ... They stop believing that they can do things. If you tell them they are ugly and fat... They begin to watch every thing they eat and try to hide themselves . Even though I previously felt good about myself I second guessed me. I was told constantly that I was stupid and fat and not good enough . And it became how I saw myself. His words and actions became the norm and saw myself through the lies he told me.
And I started believing each and every piece of it .
I second guess myself even now. I stopped feeling good about self . I stopped knowing how to make myself happy because all I knew how to do was try to meet the ever changing goals of someone I feared . I could never attain their goals. I stopped feeling comfortable asking for things I needed, let alone wanted . It seemed absurd to ask, because I didn't want to be the reason we didn't have things .. I began to think everything was my fault. My wants and needs weren't important. It was more important for me to keep the house calm and bring as much peace into my home as I possibly could.
I still daily struggle with not feeling good enough. I feel unworthy of love. I feel unworthy of being able to ask for things I need and it's quite nearly painful for me to admit that there are things I want. I hate asking. It makes me ill if there are things that I need because I think of how much groceries that amount of money could buy. I feel selfish and bad if I want them. How can I even think to ask for a coat for myself ... how do I know that my son won't outgrow his shoes and I will have failed him because I bought something for myself. I shut down over things that are seemingly insignificant to others because I feel wrong for wanting things for me. I feel guilt over chapstick. I am sick to my stomach if I buy something small as chapstick and I loose it. I will wait to replace it for a very long time because the "waste" I feel over something so dumb. I will take the burnt piece of food, even if there is more because I don't want people to see me fail. In my mind the mistake is a failure. It was a reminder of how I am not enough. I was all of things I was told that I am.. None of them positive .
That's the inner dialog I struggle with. Those mean and cruel words that haunt me and give me nightmares.
I wouldn't stick up for myself until the night he began hitting things close enough to my face to feel the whoosh next to my cheek... where the door bounced off the back of my head. When I went to leave and he kicked and hit at me and missed....
And even then...
Then someone else had to make the call and save me.
That's what abuse did to me. Even when I believed he would hurt or kill me... I couldn't...
I second guessed myself so much I couldn't take care of me.
That's the thing with words...
We lie to our kids and teach them "sticks and stone will break my bones but, words will never hurt me..."
But that's not true.
Words won't physically hurt you, they will break your heart and kill your spirit.
And coming back from that...
it's a long road.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
The most important reason to F in a relationship....
You see thousands of articles in nearly every magazine or online site about how important sex is to a marriage or relationship. But the truth is that is not the most important "f," forgiveness is. I will even go as far as to say that without the F of forgiveness, it makes the "f" of sex much more difficult to achieve.
When it comes to me, I do not want to share the most intimate parts of myself with someone I am mad or upset with. I want to figuratively and literally pull myself away from them.It has been said that intimacy also has little to do with sex. Intimacy is the person you share the scary news about a freckle on your shoulder, the details of the latest and most crazy choices your siblings have made, intimacy is who I go to when I want to sit and be silent and let the events of a day congeal because I can not process it all at once. When you are truly open yourself up to other people, they see you... your flaws, your stupidity, all the ways you feel like a failure, the things you fear most, and then you hand them the knife and tell them the easiest ways to hurt you.
No matter which version of intimacy is being given... you literally have to give up you protective layers, allow yourself to be vulnerable and open yourself up.
In a marriage or relationships the only people who don't make mistakes are the people who aren't doing anything. Everyone else, makes mistakes. We forget things. We mess up. We do some things because we know the other person will overlook them and they will accept us, while others we don't know that we are hurting them because we are selfish and oblivious to how our actions can be misconstrued. Regardless of our intention... we mess up. It's life.
However, here is the real difficulty... the F...forgiveness.
I am stubborn and hard headed.
I am mean and cruel when I feel like my needs are not important and not acknowledged.
I am a grudge holder.
I hate to give forgiveness.
Sadly... I also despise it when people do not readily give me forgiveness when I mess up and admit my flaws. Yes, I know that it makes me a hypocrite. I have a terrible time admitting when I wrong. And thus it means that in my head... if I FINALLY admit I am wrong, I want forgiveness IMMEDIATELY. But that is not an easy F to get or give.
Forgiveness is hard. Actually giving forgiveness to people who have hurt you... SUCKS. I literally have had to learn to forgive people. You don't forgive people for them. Forgiveness is for you. Sometimes you have to forgive people who have NEVER asked for forgiveness because staying mad is "drinking poison and expecting the other person to die..." Forgiveness is for your head and heart to let go. Forgiveness is the most important F because it frees your mind of hostility and allows you to move on and be yourself.
Anger, if left to fester will twist and turn your thoughts and heart into ugly twisted craggy branches of the bitterness tree and that tree will grow roots that dig and break your commitment to someone... Those roots of bitterness and anger will crumble the very bedrock of love and adoration you had for them.
Remember the person...not the actions.
Forgiveness is like commitment...
Remember YOUR commitment regardless of their actions.
Makes the choice to forgive and tell your bitterness and anger to F off. ;0)
When it comes to me, I do not want to share the most intimate parts of myself with someone I am mad or upset with. I want to figuratively and literally pull myself away from them.It has been said that intimacy also has little to do with sex. Intimacy is the person you share the scary news about a freckle on your shoulder, the details of the latest and most crazy choices your siblings have made, intimacy is who I go to when I want to sit and be silent and let the events of a day congeal because I can not process it all at once. When you are truly open yourself up to other people, they see you... your flaws, your stupidity, all the ways you feel like a failure, the things you fear most, and then you hand them the knife and tell them the easiest ways to hurt you.
No matter which version of intimacy is being given... you literally have to give up you protective layers, allow yourself to be vulnerable and open yourself up.
In a marriage or relationships the only people who don't make mistakes are the people who aren't doing anything. Everyone else, makes mistakes. We forget things. We mess up. We do some things because we know the other person will overlook them and they will accept us, while others we don't know that we are hurting them because we are selfish and oblivious to how our actions can be misconstrued. Regardless of our intention... we mess up. It's life.
However, here is the real difficulty... the F...forgiveness.
I am stubborn and hard headed.
I am mean and cruel when I feel like my needs are not important and not acknowledged.
I am a grudge holder.
I hate to give forgiveness.
Sadly... I also despise it when people do not readily give me forgiveness when I mess up and admit my flaws. Yes, I know that it makes me a hypocrite. I have a terrible time admitting when I wrong. And thus it means that in my head... if I FINALLY admit I am wrong, I want forgiveness IMMEDIATELY. But that is not an easy F to get or give.
Forgiveness is hard. Actually giving forgiveness to people who have hurt you... SUCKS. I literally have had to learn to forgive people. You don't forgive people for them. Forgiveness is for you. Sometimes you have to forgive people who have NEVER asked for forgiveness because staying mad is "drinking poison and expecting the other person to die..." Forgiveness is for your head and heart to let go. Forgiveness is the most important F because it frees your mind of hostility and allows you to move on and be yourself.
Anger, if left to fester will twist and turn your thoughts and heart into ugly twisted craggy branches of the bitterness tree and that tree will grow roots that dig and break your commitment to someone... Those roots of bitterness and anger will crumble the very bedrock of love and adoration you had for them.
Remember the person...not the actions.
Forgiveness is like commitment...
Remember YOUR commitment regardless of their actions.
Makes the choice to forgive and tell your bitterness and anger to F off. ;0)
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Impatience and being an ADULT
I am impatient.
I want things to work.
I want answers and instant perfection.
The problem with this, is that people are not perfect. They are fallible and have free will. And I love the idea that people can choose their path and have the right to make mistakes and learn from them... but I hate it when mistakes are made. Maybe I just love the idea that I CAN learn from my mistakes.In fact, maybe I might even be a bit of a narcissistic that I think that my mistakes are smaller and less ugly than other peoples. But that isn't the truth. I am fallible and stubborn and opinionated as deep as the ocean and as blue as the twilight.
I am most impatient with the people I love most. I am the biggest advocate for me being allowed to make mistakes and often want people to forgive me instantly; however, I struggle with grudges. I struggle with wanting people to do what I want on my timing. Maybe I've watched too many movies and I am too much of an idealist. Maybe I have been burned too many times and think that I "deserve" it. I think that I am the most hard on people I love because I believe that they are genuinely the people that I see them in. I see the people they want to be. I see the people that they should be. I think maybe I am too hard on people and need to allow them room to make mistakes.
Mistakes aren't the problem with being infallible. Mistakes are a big part of growing. As kids, we learn from making mistakes. Kids learn the word, "feet," and want to apply it like everything else and will tell you that they have " two feets." They understand the rule that foot/feet are unusual and want soo badly to be reinforced that they overly try and use "feets." We as adults think that we have out grown this.
The truth of the matter is, even as adults we seek approval and want to make others happy even when we do not have all the answers. We get impatient. We think we have all the answers. We are not uneducated as was the case of the little kids; we are still seeking approval. The problem is that we don't understand the rules of how to be "adults."
I wish I knew all the rules about how to be an adult. Unfortunately, being an adult is like every word that is atypical in the English language. Adulthood is every one of the mice/mouse, foot/feet, moose/moose, good/better/best atypical no normal rule to follow words that make learning language harder.... except then we add emotions, bills, and other people who are also trying to speak to us using the same faulty system of no typical words.
Stir that up... add humanity and impatience and it's no wonder we grow up and feel lost. It's no wonder adults struggle with communication. We seek approval . We strive for perfection but our communication is confusing. We are not all taught how to interact the same. Some families are affection and teach a language and behavior of affection. While others are successful and teach their children the value of success. No one way is right or wrong. I believe that kids need a good work ethic and a desire to be successful. I also am very comfortable and feel a high need for affection; both give and receive. I get impatient when people do not communicate with me in ways that I am used to and I am an adult. I am ONE adult. And I struggle greatly with these concepts.
It's no wonder that communication is hard.
It's no wonder that being impatient with others is a knee jerk reaction...
We are all trying to accomplish the goals we believe to be best while speaking an imperfect language with other people who speak imperfectly and are also fallible.
And I get impatient and fussy when things are not going smoothly. It is NOT that I do not care about the other people. It's rather the polar opposite. I care soo much that I want things FIXED, NOW.
I am impatient,
I do want things to work.
But maybe instead of wanting perfection, I need to look for growth.
And maybe instead of just finding the mythical "answers," maybe I need to really know what my questions are.
I need to open my heart and focus on the person and less on the answers.
I need to open my close mind and figure out that two steps forward, one step back isn't a set back but is still forward momentum....
Here's to forward momentum and the death of impatience.
I want things to work.
I want answers and instant perfection.
The problem with this, is that people are not perfect. They are fallible and have free will. And I love the idea that people can choose their path and have the right to make mistakes and learn from them... but I hate it when mistakes are made. Maybe I just love the idea that I CAN learn from my mistakes.In fact, maybe I might even be a bit of a narcissistic that I think that my mistakes are smaller and less ugly than other peoples. But that isn't the truth. I am fallible and stubborn and opinionated as deep as the ocean and as blue as the twilight.
I am most impatient with the people I love most. I am the biggest advocate for me being allowed to make mistakes and often want people to forgive me instantly; however, I struggle with grudges. I struggle with wanting people to do what I want on my timing. Maybe I've watched too many movies and I am too much of an idealist. Maybe I have been burned too many times and think that I "deserve" it. I think that I am the most hard on people I love because I believe that they are genuinely the people that I see them in. I see the people they want to be. I see the people that they should be. I think maybe I am too hard on people and need to allow them room to make mistakes.
Mistakes aren't the problem with being infallible. Mistakes are a big part of growing. As kids, we learn from making mistakes. Kids learn the word, "feet," and want to apply it like everything else and will tell you that they have " two feets." They understand the rule that foot/feet are unusual and want soo badly to be reinforced that they overly try and use "feets." We as adults think that we have out grown this.
The truth of the matter is, even as adults we seek approval and want to make others happy even when we do not have all the answers. We get impatient. We think we have all the answers. We are not uneducated as was the case of the little kids; we are still seeking approval. The problem is that we don't understand the rules of how to be "adults."
I wish I knew all the rules about how to be an adult. Unfortunately, being an adult is like every word that is atypical in the English language. Adulthood is every one of the mice/mouse, foot/feet, moose/moose, good/better/best atypical no normal rule to follow words that make learning language harder.... except then we add emotions, bills, and other people who are also trying to speak to us using the same faulty system of no typical words.
Stir that up... add humanity and impatience and it's no wonder we grow up and feel lost. It's no wonder adults struggle with communication. We seek approval . We strive for perfection but our communication is confusing. We are not all taught how to interact the same. Some families are affection and teach a language and behavior of affection. While others are successful and teach their children the value of success. No one way is right or wrong. I believe that kids need a good work ethic and a desire to be successful. I also am very comfortable and feel a high need for affection; both give and receive. I get impatient when people do not communicate with me in ways that I am used to and I am an adult. I am ONE adult. And I struggle greatly with these concepts.
It's no wonder that communication is hard.
It's no wonder that being impatient with others is a knee jerk reaction...
We are all trying to accomplish the goals we believe to be best while speaking an imperfect language with other people who speak imperfectly and are also fallible.
And I get impatient and fussy when things are not going smoothly. It is NOT that I do not care about the other people. It's rather the polar opposite. I care soo much that I want things FIXED, NOW.
I am impatient,
I do want things to work.
But maybe instead of wanting perfection, I need to look for growth.
And maybe instead of just finding the mythical "answers," maybe I need to really know what my questions are.
I need to open my heart and focus on the person and less on the answers.
I need to open my close mind and figure out that two steps forward, one step back isn't a set back but is still forward momentum....
Here's to forward momentum and the death of impatience.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Mind your Manners
I ran to the gas station during lunch to grab a soda and a hot dog (they're great and cheap so I love them) ...An older gentleman who was struggling to walk and should have probably had a walker, was coming in as I was going out .
He was flawlessly dressed in tan and white plaid pearl snap shirt and pressed and starched wranglers with his clean but worn boots and lovely tan cowboy hat. Looked like he had been a farmer earlier in life based on the deep tanned face with hardened wrinkles that framed his pale icey blue eyes. His face was proud and he smiled at me.
As I hurried my step to make sure I wouldn't be in his way, he also attempted to hurry as well. As I started to walk out the door, he reached his slim boney hand and gracefully and slowly open the door for me...it was a moment in my day... a small act of kindness...and it touched my heart.
Maybe it was because it reminded me of my grandpa Charlie...Tan lanky old farmer types who look like they worked outside manual labor for more years than I've been alive often remind me of him.
One moment that meant nothing, that was probably a reflex for him, affected me.
It got me to thinking. When did we stop using basic manners?
When did we stop putting manners on the backburner? I am not a girlie girl. Don't get me wrong I like to fish and getting my hands dirty is not a big deal to me. However, I like to be treated " like a girl."
As a young 20something, I was "trained" to have doors opened for me. I was so used to people opening doors for me that if I was alone and no men were with me, I would stand at the door and wait until I realized that I would have to open it for myself.
As a 30something... today I was reminder how far manners have fallen. Is it that I stopped expecting it? Do parents not train their little boys to open doors or their young ladies to wait ?
Today... I am renewed in my drive to raise my munchkin to be a gentleman.
Today with one door literally being opened for me, it reminded that silently the older generation is still teaching us.
Ladies & Gents... Mind your manners.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
How not to love someone....
We all go through trails and tribulations in our lives. Some of us are given more obvious ones than others. Maybe it's because God only gives us what we can handle and maybe it's because we are dumb and make poor choices.... but either way... We all experience things in our life that make us question ourselves and when it's time to give up. I have experienced being loved and being UNloved.
I understand that I am not the typical "weaker sex" in a relationship. I don't fulfill the "typical girl role." I don't mind getting dirty and have had to take care of myself for choice and by force before. I have learned how to love others. I have experienced how to NOT be loved more.
I am not good at change. I am not a fan of stress. I am NOT tough; due to previous failed marriages and some major life changes that have reduced my friends and family circles a time or 100, I have trust issues that are so significant that they could be labeled as "deep and wide."
I'd love to tell you that I am stable, calm, and can focus exclusively on the matter that needs dealt with; that would be a lovely description of someone, not me, but someone. I am needy. I am difficult to be in a relationship with. I am pretty sure that this applies to most all of my relationships and not just romantic type ones. I am needy and bossy and emotional in ways that psychology professors could have had a field day with and create their life's work writing books about all my drama.
I am not needy in a someone needs to take care of me sort of way. I don't need "things." I am not a gold digger and do not require gifts or lavish treats. I demand attention. No, not exactly... I require attention. I require it the same way that flowers need light. Maybe that's it. I am the kind of flower that needs a LOT of direct sunlight. I am not, nor will I ever be one of those flowers that only need a few measly hours of sunlight. I am not those people. I have found that I can happily share room with other people and neither one speaking and I am fine... But let the room be empty and I get a little batty.
I say all this to explain that I am not easy to love. I am a pain in the a$$;however, because of my crazy life I understand how to love and how to make someone feel unloved. I figure if I explain it, maybe other people will learn from my life and see that they are in a relationship where they are not giving enough and need to change their errors or maybe it's time to give up and walk away with self respect.
Lets break it down to 7 easy "T" steps...
1. Time: To make someone feel unloved, avoid time with them. And if you can not avoid time with them... give them smaller amounts and do not give them your attention. Look at your phone, be distracted. Even if your body is physically there with the person, make sure your mind and thoughts are elsewhere. Another way to accomplish this is to make sure you are selfish. Never check on them. Avoid finding out what they want or need.
2.Touch: According to psychology, touch is important in relationships. Hugging someone you care about can literally bring down the stress hormone, cortisol, and lower blood pressure. It is a glue that can help with a feeling of unity. Touch helps your brain to give off happy brain chemicals such as, dopamine. Touch can be simple and innocent as laying your hand on their arm or leg. It can also be as in depth as real affection such as kissing or sex. Simple public displays of touch can create an outward show to the world that you are a team. If you avoid touching the person you are attempting to make feel unloved and make sure that the only touch they receive from you is off hand, cold, or forced you will slowly and effectively allow a winters chill to settle in their heart towards you. This should give their heart a feeling of frostbite and make them second guess themselves and often their ego will suffer.
3. Team: If you have ever been apart of something such as a team, you understand the idea that everyone one the "team" does better and fights harder for the team when they feel invested and part of the team. One way to break the feeling of team is to give intimate details about your life with others. This shows to others that you are not a member of the team and do not need the original members of the '"team."
3: Tenderness: When you watch tv or movies and the one member of a couple looks at the other person, there is a look of tenderness in their eyes. This tenderness must be cut out of your eyes, your words, and your touch. Love is tender and kind. 'Unlove' is rough, mean, and "jokes" about the other person. It is judgmental and unforgiving. It holds grudges. Tenderness can be the sweet nothings of chatting about your day before you fall asleep. It can be the sweet gestures that mean nothing to anyone else, but mean the world to the person you formerly loved. Make sure to avoid tenderness.
5. Talk: Lets discuss tone. I can say I hate you to my BFF while laughing and joking because she looks absolutely lovely in a dress that made me feel like a sack of potatoes... and by no means do I hate her. The tone of the talk between you is very important. Make sure the same coldness that you exhibit in your touch carries over to your voice. Make it obvious that you do not mean a single word you say when you say anything kind or that might accidentally convey feelings of love or compassion. Also another effective way to make the person feel unloved is to talk down to them and make them feel low and unworthy of you.
6. Try: Effort. Don't do things for the other person. Don't try to make their life better. Don't do things to help them. Make sure you don't include their needs or dreams in your plans. They do not need to think that their hopes or dreams are important.
7. Trust: Trust is like the mayo in a tuna fish sandwich...it keeps all the random things that make up the couple STUCK together. Trust can help the other person ignore things that might seem fishy and allow them to focus on all the things you do right. Make sure you have secret communications with others. Make sure that you have long periods of time that are unaccounted for. If at all possible create new and random schedules that do not fit your normal schedule and act like the other person is crazy. Change things about yourself... how you dress, what you find interesting, and what you talk about so that the other person feels like an outsider and feels like you are changing to be more like interesting to someone else. By changing things and creating a sense of uncertainty the other person looses trust. Trust is bond. Trust is an essential concrete in the wall that surrounds a relationship and keeps it free from outsiders and disease.
If you follow those 7 easy steps in ANY relationship it will catch fire and become a memory like the Hindenburg. If it go up in flames and be a remainder to the other person of something not to do. Not only will the person feel unloved and unwanted but you will also help to shatter their ideas of happiness and satisfaction and ruin their ego. They will get edgy and worry. They will second guess themselves and even if you are completely innocent and doing nothing wrong.
Remember, this is the quick and easy list of how to make someone feel unloved. If these are steps the person you are in a relationship with is doing... you might need to make choices to protect yourself.
I understand that I am not the typical "weaker sex" in a relationship. I don't fulfill the "typical girl role." I don't mind getting dirty and have had to take care of myself for choice and by force before. I have learned how to love others. I have experienced how to NOT be loved more.
I am not good at change. I am not a fan of stress. I am NOT tough; due to previous failed marriages and some major life changes that have reduced my friends and family circles a time or 100, I have trust issues that are so significant that they could be labeled as "deep and wide."
I'd love to tell you that I am stable, calm, and can focus exclusively on the matter that needs dealt with; that would be a lovely description of someone, not me, but someone. I am needy. I am difficult to be in a relationship with. I am pretty sure that this applies to most all of my relationships and not just romantic type ones. I am needy and bossy and emotional in ways that psychology professors could have had a field day with and create their life's work writing books about all my drama.
I am not needy in a someone needs to take care of me sort of way. I don't need "things." I am not a gold digger and do not require gifts or lavish treats. I demand attention. No, not exactly... I require attention. I require it the same way that flowers need light. Maybe that's it. I am the kind of flower that needs a LOT of direct sunlight. I am not, nor will I ever be one of those flowers that only need a few measly hours of sunlight. I am not those people. I have found that I can happily share room with other people and neither one speaking and I am fine... But let the room be empty and I get a little batty.
I say all this to explain that I am not easy to love. I am a pain in the a$$;however, because of my crazy life I understand how to love and how to make someone feel unloved. I figure if I explain it, maybe other people will learn from my life and see that they are in a relationship where they are not giving enough and need to change their errors or maybe it's time to give up and walk away with self respect.
Lets break it down to 7 easy "T" steps...
1. Time: To make someone feel unloved, avoid time with them. And if you can not avoid time with them... give them smaller amounts and do not give them your attention. Look at your phone, be distracted. Even if your body is physically there with the person, make sure your mind and thoughts are elsewhere. Another way to accomplish this is to make sure you are selfish. Never check on them. Avoid finding out what they want or need.
2.Touch: According to psychology, touch is important in relationships. Hugging someone you care about can literally bring down the stress hormone, cortisol, and lower blood pressure. It is a glue that can help with a feeling of unity. Touch helps your brain to give off happy brain chemicals such as, dopamine. Touch can be simple and innocent as laying your hand on their arm or leg. It can also be as in depth as real affection such as kissing or sex. Simple public displays of touch can create an outward show to the world that you are a team. If you avoid touching the person you are attempting to make feel unloved and make sure that the only touch they receive from you is off hand, cold, or forced you will slowly and effectively allow a winters chill to settle in their heart towards you. This should give their heart a feeling of frostbite and make them second guess themselves and often their ego will suffer.
3. Team: If you have ever been apart of something such as a team, you understand the idea that everyone one the "team" does better and fights harder for the team when they feel invested and part of the team. One way to break the feeling of team is to give intimate details about your life with others. This shows to others that you are not a member of the team and do not need the original members of the '"team."
3: Tenderness: When you watch tv or movies and the one member of a couple looks at the other person, there is a look of tenderness in their eyes. This tenderness must be cut out of your eyes, your words, and your touch. Love is tender and kind. 'Unlove' is rough, mean, and "jokes" about the other person. It is judgmental and unforgiving. It holds grudges. Tenderness can be the sweet nothings of chatting about your day before you fall asleep. It can be the sweet gestures that mean nothing to anyone else, but mean the world to the person you formerly loved. Make sure to avoid tenderness.
5. Talk: Lets discuss tone. I can say I hate you to my BFF while laughing and joking because she looks absolutely lovely in a dress that made me feel like a sack of potatoes... and by no means do I hate her. The tone of the talk between you is very important. Make sure the same coldness that you exhibit in your touch carries over to your voice. Make it obvious that you do not mean a single word you say when you say anything kind or that might accidentally convey feelings of love or compassion. Also another effective way to make the person feel unloved is to talk down to them and make them feel low and unworthy of you.
6. Try: Effort. Don't do things for the other person. Don't try to make their life better. Don't do things to help them. Make sure you don't include their needs or dreams in your plans. They do not need to think that their hopes or dreams are important.
7. Trust: Trust is like the mayo in a tuna fish sandwich...it keeps all the random things that make up the couple STUCK together. Trust can help the other person ignore things that might seem fishy and allow them to focus on all the things you do right. Make sure you have secret communications with others. Make sure that you have long periods of time that are unaccounted for. If at all possible create new and random schedules that do not fit your normal schedule and act like the other person is crazy. Change things about yourself... how you dress, what you find interesting, and what you talk about so that the other person feels like an outsider and feels like you are changing to be more like interesting to someone else. By changing things and creating a sense of uncertainty the other person looses trust. Trust is bond. Trust is an essential concrete in the wall that surrounds a relationship and keeps it free from outsiders and disease.
If you follow those 7 easy steps in ANY relationship it will catch fire and become a memory like the Hindenburg. If it go up in flames and be a remainder to the other person of something not to do. Not only will the person feel unloved and unwanted but you will also help to shatter their ideas of happiness and satisfaction and ruin their ego. They will get edgy and worry. They will second guess themselves and even if you are completely innocent and doing nothing wrong.
Remember, this is the quick and easy list of how to make someone feel unloved. If these are steps the person you are in a relationship with is doing... you might need to make choices to protect yourself.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Killing my husband
I wanna kill my husband.
Don't get me wrong , he is nice man . He works hard and plays harder. He isn't messy. In fact, he is a bit OCD and the dirty socks beside the bed, they aren't his, they are mine.
The amount and ways that I wanna kill him has ebbed and evolved over the past year. The thing about being married to someone is that they see you in every light of humanity; good, bad, sick, grumpy, first thing in the morning, last thing before bed.... Everything . He knows that I wake up glorious and happy . I know that this annoys him. He doesn't understand it. As far as he is concerned "normal" people do not roll out if bed and hum and act like Snow White or Cinderella singing to whatever animal happens to be near them... the cat is also not a morning person. Maybe I need small rodents. Alas, I digress.
Anyway.. Back to killing .
When I first married him there was a lack of understanding between us as large and as deep as the Grand Canyon. We did not live together prior to eloping and while we did have shared life goals and love , we also had very different ideas about random things like laundry and dishes , see previously mentioned statement about OCD. He was uber organized and thinks things on shelves create clutter . I prefer to display 50000 pictures of family, friends, and loved ones. He color coordinates his closet and I have a large mass of shoes that live together in a utopian society at the bottom of my closet. .
To say that we didn't mesh is an understatement the same way that Lady Liberty is large and green.
There were days I wanted to stab him. I didn't want a divorce . I merely wanted to stab him. Thus, one of the first times I wanted to kill him..
Then we started to somewhat find a flow and started to get a teeny bit of balance . I very much liked having help with my munchkin and I wanted to cook for him and make him elaborate meals and spoil him.He accused me of trying to kill him with rich and fatty foods.
Then we started to work together. As we began working together we shifted out focus from ME to WE. It's funny how changing that one letter can shift a relationship . We tried to do things for each other. We tried to do things for the betterment of the house and not each other . Here's an example : He started bringing me home cinnamon bears from base . That' might sound trivial to you .. But let's discuss the emotionally reaction to being brought home a candy that I love and have a difficult time finding . When he brings them home I KNOW I was on his mind. I KNOW he cares about pleasing me and makings happy . I KNOW he had to give up time to go and find them . Something so small and cheap as. 99 cent candy means I am someone he cares about and wants to see smile . Those stupid bears would make me all girlie and giggly because he took the time for me I feeling important and loved made me wanna smother him in kisses . Bam..... A very different kill .
We really started to let down our guards and start to focus on self sacrifice and pleasing one another . This was a very personal and intimate step in a marriage . Doing things for another person that gains you nothing is hard . In fact, some days , it drains you . I would leave my work during my lunch, come home pack his lunch , (he works swing shift ) and then gorge myself on something fast to make it back to work on time . The great part about self sacrifice, when it came to our relationship, is that it built a safe and more intimate level. This led to me trying to letting go of a lot of my hangs ups and wanting to dirty girl kill my husband . Lol
Then I went through a very terrible no good bad and dark year . I am a teacher . I love my job. I loveeee my kiddos . However , after the murders of two students , the death of another, suicide attempts of a couple, and a whole box full of everything else seeing to be wrong ... I struggled with a horrible ugly mean chunk of depression shortly after we got married . I was cold and short and inhumanly hateful. I wanted to scream and yell. Then afterwards I was remorseful I
would want to cry profusely. I didn't have energy to do anything . I wanted to sleep and do nothing for our house. I wasn't handling . I couldn't cope. I didn't like most people . I couldn't stand myself or my thoughts . I didn't want to hurt myself ... Nope... I did want to push people down stairs . I wanted to make someone else pay for how badly I felt and unfortunately he was very often a target of my anger and rage. I hated him for not being able to help me . I hated him for not being able to understand . I hated the way he breathed sitting beside me on the couch . I didn't understand him . He had no idea what on earth had turned me into a pit of man eating anger sharks. I wanted to kill him for not understanding me . I wanted to kill him for not empathizing and understanding me . I never crossed over into physical like getting weapons or anything along those lines ... Instead I did damage far harder to fix . I separated myself from him . I cut myself off from his kindness. I blamed him for me being unhappy . I was hateful. I was meannnnnn. I wanted to kill his happiness . And truthfully .. I was very successful.
And I nearly killed everything good about us . I did things that were mean and stupid and killed his spirit. And still my killing spree wasn't over . I killed his sense of peace and happiness . I killed the joy and happiness from our marriage . These killings were probably the most wrong of all of them.
We have both done made choices that murdered the other's joy....
I won't lie and say I am a great wife . Most days I struggle with being merely good . I struggle with finding my roll within the relationship . I contempt the things he has done wrong and get mad and wanna cause him literal bodily harm. I don't research poisons ... But I will tell you that there are actions that I have taken that have been a poisonous to both him and how he feels about me and who we are as a couple .
Let's be honest... He knows me well enough to know exactly which buttons to push to make me mad... Not mad.. Furious. When that happens, I react. And I wanna kill him. I don't always let him in on that thought process ; it's better that I don't.
All I know is that I wanna kill him most days ... Now and whether it's wring his neck or kill him with kindness, that all depends on the day .
Don't get me wrong , he is nice man . He works hard and plays harder. He isn't messy. In fact, he is a bit OCD and the dirty socks beside the bed, they aren't his, they are mine.
The amount and ways that I wanna kill him has ebbed and evolved over the past year. The thing about being married to someone is that they see you in every light of humanity; good, bad, sick, grumpy, first thing in the morning, last thing before bed.... Everything . He knows that I wake up glorious and happy . I know that this annoys him. He doesn't understand it. As far as he is concerned "normal" people do not roll out if bed and hum and act like Snow White or Cinderella singing to whatever animal happens to be near them... the cat is also not a morning person. Maybe I need small rodents. Alas, I digress.
Anyway.. Back to killing .
When I first married him there was a lack of understanding between us as large and as deep as the Grand Canyon. We did not live together prior to eloping and while we did have shared life goals and love , we also had very different ideas about random things like laundry and dishes , see previously mentioned statement about OCD. He was uber organized and thinks things on shelves create clutter . I prefer to display 50000 pictures of family, friends, and loved ones. He color coordinates his closet and I have a large mass of shoes that live together in a utopian society at the bottom of my closet. .
To say that we didn't mesh is an understatement the same way that Lady Liberty is large and green.
There were days I wanted to stab him. I didn't want a divorce . I merely wanted to stab him. Thus, one of the first times I wanted to kill him..
Then we started to somewhat find a flow and started to get a teeny bit of balance . I very much liked having help with my munchkin and I wanted to cook for him and make him elaborate meals and spoil him.He accused me of trying to kill him with rich and fatty foods.
Then we started to work together. As we began working together we shifted out focus from ME to WE. It's funny how changing that one letter can shift a relationship . We tried to do things for each other. We tried to do things for the betterment of the house and not each other . Here's an example : He started bringing me home cinnamon bears from base . That' might sound trivial to you .. But let's discuss the emotionally reaction to being brought home a candy that I love and have a difficult time finding . When he brings them home I KNOW I was on his mind. I KNOW he cares about pleasing me and makings happy . I KNOW he had to give up time to go and find them . Something so small and cheap as. 99 cent candy means I am someone he cares about and wants to see smile . Those stupid bears would make me all girlie and giggly because he took the time for me I feeling important and loved made me wanna smother him in kisses . Bam..... A very different kill .
We really started to let down our guards and start to focus on self sacrifice and pleasing one another . This was a very personal and intimate step in a marriage . Doing things for another person that gains you nothing is hard . In fact, some days , it drains you . I would leave my work during my lunch, come home pack his lunch , (he works swing shift ) and then gorge myself on something fast to make it back to work on time . The great part about self sacrifice, when it came to our relationship, is that it built a safe and more intimate level. This led to me trying to letting go of a lot of my hangs ups and wanting to dirty girl kill my husband . Lol
Then I went through a very terrible no good bad and dark year . I am a teacher . I love my job. I loveeee my kiddos . However , after the murders of two students , the death of another, suicide attempts of a couple, and a whole box full of everything else seeing to be wrong ... I struggled with a horrible ugly mean chunk of depression shortly after we got married . I was cold and short and inhumanly hateful. I wanted to scream and yell. Then afterwards I was remorseful I
would want to cry profusely. I didn't have energy to do anything . I wanted to sleep and do nothing for our house. I wasn't handling . I couldn't cope. I didn't like most people . I couldn't stand myself or my thoughts . I didn't want to hurt myself ... Nope... I did want to push people down stairs . I wanted to make someone else pay for how badly I felt and unfortunately he was very often a target of my anger and rage. I hated him for not being able to help me . I hated him for not being able to understand . I hated the way he breathed sitting beside me on the couch . I didn't understand him . He had no idea what on earth had turned me into a pit of man eating anger sharks. I wanted to kill him for not understanding me . I wanted to kill him for not empathizing and understanding me . I never crossed over into physical like getting weapons or anything along those lines ... Instead I did damage far harder to fix . I separated myself from him . I cut myself off from his kindness. I blamed him for me being unhappy . I was hateful. I was meannnnnn. I wanted to kill his happiness . And truthfully .. I was very successful.
And I nearly killed everything good about us . I did things that were mean and stupid and killed his spirit. And still my killing spree wasn't over . I killed his sense of peace and happiness . I killed the joy and happiness from our marriage . These killings were probably the most wrong of all of them.
We have both done made choices that murdered the other's joy....
I won't lie and say I am a great wife . Most days I struggle with being merely good . I struggle with finding my roll within the relationship . I contempt the things he has done wrong and get mad and wanna cause him literal bodily harm. I don't research poisons ... But I will tell you that there are actions that I have taken that have been a poisonous to both him and how he feels about me and who we are as a couple .
Let's be honest... He knows me well enough to know exactly which buttons to push to make me mad... Not mad.. Furious. When that happens, I react. And I wanna kill him. I don't always let him in on that thought process ; it's better that I don't.
All I know is that I wanna kill him most days ... Now and whether it's wring his neck or kill him with kindness, that all depends on the day .
Friday, July 18, 2014
Time and Quality Time
Time and quality time are not the same thing ; both require space but one requires involvement.
I am a needy person. My two personal love languages are affection and quality time. I need people to care about . I need to about to care, love, and touch the other person to be fulfilled . I inheritantly semi beg for time and attention. Maybe because I was an only child for too long, I dunno. But the simple truth is I like people I care about to be involved in my life.
The problem is too many times people assume that just being present is "enough." For those who have shared a car ride with someone they don't like in an attempt not to have to drive a roadtrip alone , you understand that someone being present wasn't enough to make the ride feel safe and satisfied. It might have been enough to keep random creepy strangers from talking to you at gas stations but it wasn't enough to give you fun memories or feelings of true happiness . The same is true when it comes to relationships . If both people are not investing time and genuine attention, it feels like an empty car ride. It will keep the random creepy strangers from hassling you but you won't have shared memories or bond together as a union.
Quality time is a sorda a tight rope walk too. You just be present, but you don't necessarily have to monetarily invest in order to get something back. In simple laymans terms, you can't just go to a fancy expensive dinner share a meal with the person or buy them things and cement the bond between you . Things will rust and dissolve, dinners will be digested; however, true interactive conversations will not. They are the memories your brain flutters to during moments if stress and worry, the assure you that everything will be okay.
Invest time.
Interact on a deeper level.
Ask questions and learn about the other person. I read once about a man who was pursuing his wife and being harassed by some of his "bros." He explained that when you date a person you study them and learn their likes and dislikes and how to make them smile, it's like a student getting a high school diploma. When you get married the study of your significant other shouldn't stop but should be like earning a college degree... More late nights and more study and alone time with them. After you've been married awhile you should know the person well. But just as science and history continue to change and evolve so do our significant others. Since they change and grow so should your study of them. You can't assume you will get your PhD in understanding them by sticking with the information you got dating them. You can't pass the PhD final with outdated high school info.
Quality time is a study of the people you love and care about.
Who or what do you study?
Thursday, May 8, 2014
I hate money
I hate money. Literally.
I hate feeling that my time and effort can be valued by someone else at a monetary value. And what's worse... I save and save and save for things I want... and end almost always spending on things I HAVE to have. Not in the " OMG those shoes are amazing!" more in a .." OH CRAP I need a new battery for the car!" sorda way.
One bad thing.. I am a cheap skate. I don't actually like to spend money. I am paranoid and save save as much as I can. I pay my bills. I use coupons when I can. I shop at garage sales. I plan my entire weeks menu and only buy what I need and not just waste money on splurges. I save in big and small ways as much as I possibly can.
I spend money for other people. I like taking care of other people, people I love. I don't mind making their lives better or easier. However, when it come to spending money on myself... I feel guilty. When I get my hair cut I worry that my splurge will make it so that my son has to do without something. I worry that if I buy a dress or a pair of jeans that I will find them cheaper elsewhere or will need a new something that wasn't in my budget. I dont have buyers remorse... I have GUILT. I literally don't like to spend $20 on myself for new fancy flip flops that I will wear for the next two years until they wear out...and then I will reappropriate them to "lake" wear. I will however try to estimate how much they will cost if I wear them for "x" many months and if that number will be worth the overall value...
For example... My brain contemplates...2 years is 24 months... and the flip flops are $20... so I will technically have spent a little over a dollar a month... But will they last that long? Will they still be in style? are they really comfortable enough ? I'd like to tell you that this overly crazy thinking is just in larger purchases... but I would be lying. I do it with $5 sunglasses too. I worry that I will lose or break or hate them before I can get my $5 worth of use out of them.
And this is why I hate money. I stress and worry. I save and scrimp. I just wish that I could let go a little and just BE. The few times I attempted to do that... It was disastrous and the "fit hit the shan." so to speak. It's like money karma finds out I haven't worried and analyzed my budget and planned every meal, every growth spurt and prebought the next size up of clothes for my son... and it hunts me down like a weak baby rabbit and gets me.
I sometimes wonder if I were to change jobs if it would make my life easier. I teach in Oklahoma in an urban public high school. I wonder if I would be happy doing anything else.. I doubt it. I wonder if the money would allow me to give my son a better life. I dunno. I don't buy big things. I don't own fancy things. I live in a little house, pay my bills, work a lot, love my family, and thrive on my summers off where I spoil and love my son more than most parents can hope to.
I truly enjoy teaching. I spend roughly 6 hours of my day with an average of 30 freshman. And the thing is... I really don't have any complaints about it. I like seeing their light bulbs come on when they understand things and I truly laugh with them and sometimes at them... A LOT. So if it's true that laughter makes you live longer....Imma be an old old woman :)
But then I worry that me and my job aren't enough to give my munchkin what he needs or deserves...
And I over think... plan... cut cost...
and hate money.
I hate feeling that my time and effort can be valued by someone else at a monetary value. And what's worse... I save and save and save for things I want... and end almost always spending on things I HAVE to have. Not in the " OMG those shoes are amazing!" more in a .." OH CRAP I need a new battery for the car!" sorda way.
One bad thing.. I am a cheap skate. I don't actually like to spend money. I am paranoid and save save as much as I can. I pay my bills. I use coupons when I can. I shop at garage sales. I plan my entire weeks menu and only buy what I need and not just waste money on splurges. I save in big and small ways as much as I possibly can.
I spend money for other people. I like taking care of other people, people I love. I don't mind making their lives better or easier. However, when it come to spending money on myself... I feel guilty. When I get my hair cut I worry that my splurge will make it so that my son has to do without something. I worry that if I buy a dress or a pair of jeans that I will find them cheaper elsewhere or will need a new something that wasn't in my budget. I dont have buyers remorse... I have GUILT. I literally don't like to spend $20 on myself for new fancy flip flops that I will wear for the next two years until they wear out...and then I will reappropriate them to "lake" wear. I will however try to estimate how much they will cost if I wear them for "x" many months and if that number will be worth the overall value...
For example... My brain contemplates...2 years is 24 months... and the flip flops are $20... so I will technically have spent a little over a dollar a month... But will they last that long? Will they still be in style? are they really comfortable enough ? I'd like to tell you that this overly crazy thinking is just in larger purchases... but I would be lying. I do it with $5 sunglasses too. I worry that I will lose or break or hate them before I can get my $5 worth of use out of them.
And this is why I hate money. I stress and worry. I save and scrimp. I just wish that I could let go a little and just BE. The few times I attempted to do that... It was disastrous and the "fit hit the shan." so to speak. It's like money karma finds out I haven't worried and analyzed my budget and planned every meal, every growth spurt and prebought the next size up of clothes for my son... and it hunts me down like a weak baby rabbit and gets me.
I sometimes wonder if I were to change jobs if it would make my life easier. I teach in Oklahoma in an urban public high school. I wonder if I would be happy doing anything else.. I doubt it. I wonder if the money would allow me to give my son a better life. I dunno. I don't buy big things. I don't own fancy things. I live in a little house, pay my bills, work a lot, love my family, and thrive on my summers off where I spoil and love my son more than most parents can hope to.
I truly enjoy teaching. I spend roughly 6 hours of my day with an average of 30 freshman. And the thing is... I really don't have any complaints about it. I like seeing their light bulbs come on when they understand things and I truly laugh with them and sometimes at them... A LOT. So if it's true that laughter makes you live longer....Imma be an old old woman :)
But then I worry that me and my job aren't enough to give my munchkin what he needs or deserves...
And I over think... plan... cut cost...
and hate money.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Important
What's important to you?
You might think that that is a simple questions and that you can readily come up with answers; however, the truth and your answers might not match. Let me make myself more clear... What do you THINK is important and what you TREAT as important.. are they the same things?
What fills you thoughts? What fills your social media? What do you take pictures of? What do you surround yourself with? I read awhile ago that "what ever you dream about, that's where your heart lies." I agree with that statement but I think it can actually be even more simple.
If you argue that you are a good parent and only want the best for your kids but buy yourself really nice and expensive things and your kids only buy "stuff" for your kids... You are more important than your children. Yes, I have heard parents argue that " Well, but my kid is gonna grow out of those clothes anyway." Yes, and someday you will be eating dinner and drop spaghetti sauce on that shirt and it will still be ruined. Your spending habits show a lot about you.
What do you talk about? I talk about my kid, my "babies"( students), school, my family, education, love, and life. I talk about all of those a lot. I use facebook, instagram, twitter, and blogger for all my social media needs. And all over all of those forms of social media, everyone can see references to my kid, my babies, school, my family, education, love, and life. I don't fill my social media with my ex. I don't passive aggressively bad mouth my family or enemies. I genuinely try to keep private matters between myself and who is involved.
I take this concept to the point where my classroom & home also reflect back on what is important to me. I surround myself with millions of pictures of my friends and family. I want people to know they are important to me. I want them to see themselves in pictures etc when they visit me. I don't want people to wonder about my love and emotional connection to them. I try to love people the way the need. I try to make others feel important and wanted.
I try to take care of my family. I cook almost all our meals, pack lunches, and overall care for them. I make dates. I have munchkin and mom dates. I bring home special candy to the boys to let them know they are loved. I make sure they have snacks. I try and put my effort into making them feel loved.
What do you think about?
What do you dream about?
What do you take pictures of?
What do you talk about?
That my friends is what you love.
That is where your heart is filled with.
Where you spend your time, energy, and put your effort into...
That's what you love.
It doesn't matter what your words say, actions speak louder than words.
You might think that that is a simple questions and that you can readily come up with answers; however, the truth and your answers might not match. Let me make myself more clear... What do you THINK is important and what you TREAT as important.. are they the same things?
What fills you thoughts? What fills your social media? What do you take pictures of? What do you surround yourself with? I read awhile ago that "what ever you dream about, that's where your heart lies." I agree with that statement but I think it can actually be even more simple.
If you argue that you are a good parent and only want the best for your kids but buy yourself really nice and expensive things and your kids only buy "stuff" for your kids... You are more important than your children. Yes, I have heard parents argue that " Well, but my kid is gonna grow out of those clothes anyway." Yes, and someday you will be eating dinner and drop spaghetti sauce on that shirt and it will still be ruined. Your spending habits show a lot about you.
What do you talk about? I talk about my kid, my "babies"( students), school, my family, education, love, and life. I talk about all of those a lot. I use facebook, instagram, twitter, and blogger for all my social media needs. And all over all of those forms of social media, everyone can see references to my kid, my babies, school, my family, education, love, and life. I don't fill my social media with my ex. I don't passive aggressively bad mouth my family or enemies. I genuinely try to keep private matters between myself and who is involved.
I take this concept to the point where my classroom & home also reflect back on what is important to me. I surround myself with millions of pictures of my friends and family. I want people to know they are important to me. I want them to see themselves in pictures etc when they visit me. I don't want people to wonder about my love and emotional connection to them. I try to love people the way the need. I try to make others feel important and wanted.
I try to take care of my family. I cook almost all our meals, pack lunches, and overall care for them. I make dates. I have munchkin and mom dates. I bring home special candy to the boys to let them know they are loved. I make sure they have snacks. I try and put my effort into making them feel loved.
What do you think about?
What do you dream about?
What do you take pictures of?
What do you talk about?
That my friends is what you love.
That is where your heart is filled with.
Where you spend your time, energy, and put your effort into...
That's what you love.
It doesn't matter what your words say, actions speak louder than words.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Ask.
Something I have learned in life and teaching is the importance of being "asked."
Women want to be ASKed to get married.
Teenagers want to be ASKed to prom.
People in general need to be ASKed how they are in order to feel appreciated and important.
You wouldn't think that something as simple as asking would be that important. But the truth of the matter is that it's a little thing that is a HUGE thing.
When women get asked to get married it's not really the ring that matters. Shallow people will argue with me, but they're shallow. Any way... It's the fact that someone else puts them in a special place in their heart and wants to ASK them. The idea that a man will publically or privately ask a woman to share all his successes and failures not knowing what might bring... that's big. I personally am a fan of on bended knee... but have never had the joy of such a thing. It's fun to make plans as a couple but until their is an "ASK" you are just daydreaming and making plans "if." Once the ASK has taken place then the plans become real and gain substance.
People who feel they are alone want to be asked if they are okay. It helps prevent depression when they know someone else cares about their well being. The fact they are in fact a thought that crosses another human's brain. Their life matters. Many suicides have been prevented by someone asking the other person if they were alright or if they needed help. People need to know that they matter.
I ask my students about their weekend...
their lives... their parents... their new hair cuts...
what they want out of life...
I ask and ask
and ask some more.
Because the thought that that my ASKing could help or prevent them from feeling alone and might help them KNOW I care helps me feel better. Makes me feel like I matter too. Ironic how that works. Unfortunately, it's not enough for me to ask others if they are okay and have them tell me about their hobbies. I need people too. It's how I am built. In fact, I am pretty needy in general. I need to be needed. I love taking care of others and choose to be in a profession where I am. But, my neediness also needs to be asked about too.
I try to make a conscious effort to ask the darlings I share my home with about their day, their hobbies, what went wrong, what went right, what they are looking forward to in the next week, month etc. I hope by me doing this with my sweet munchkin he will do the same with his future babies ( far off future as he is only 5) and how that I am building a bedrock of care and ASKing in his future family.
To say it's been a rough year for me is an understatement the same way the Grand Canyon is a hole in the ground. I am trying to shake off my heaviness and still care for others.
But sometimes... I need to be asked too.
Hug the ones you love and ASK them about THEM.
Women want to be ASKed to get married.
Teenagers want to be ASKed to prom.
People in general need to be ASKed how they are in order to feel appreciated and important.
You wouldn't think that something as simple as asking would be that important. But the truth of the matter is that it's a little thing that is a HUGE thing.
When women get asked to get married it's not really the ring that matters. Shallow people will argue with me, but they're shallow. Any way... It's the fact that someone else puts them in a special place in their heart and wants to ASK them. The idea that a man will publically or privately ask a woman to share all his successes and failures not knowing what might bring... that's big. I personally am a fan of on bended knee... but have never had the joy of such a thing. It's fun to make plans as a couple but until their is an "ASK" you are just daydreaming and making plans "if." Once the ASK has taken place then the plans become real and gain substance.
People who feel they are alone want to be asked if they are okay. It helps prevent depression when they know someone else cares about their well being. The fact they are in fact a thought that crosses another human's brain. Their life matters. Many suicides have been prevented by someone asking the other person if they were alright or if they needed help. People need to know that they matter.
I ask my students about their weekend...
their lives... their parents... their new hair cuts...
what they want out of life...
I ask and ask
and ask some more.
Because the thought that that my ASKing could help or prevent them from feeling alone and might help them KNOW I care helps me feel better. Makes me feel like I matter too. Ironic how that works. Unfortunately, it's not enough for me to ask others if they are okay and have them tell me about their hobbies. I need people too. It's how I am built. In fact, I am pretty needy in general. I need to be needed. I love taking care of others and choose to be in a profession where I am. But, my neediness also needs to be asked about too.
I try to make a conscious effort to ask the darlings I share my home with about their day, their hobbies, what went wrong, what went right, what they are looking forward to in the next week, month etc. I hope by me doing this with my sweet munchkin he will do the same with his future babies ( far off future as he is only 5) and how that I am building a bedrock of care and ASKing in his future family.
To say it's been a rough year for me is an understatement the same way the Grand Canyon is a hole in the ground. I am trying to shake off my heaviness and still care for others.
But sometimes... I need to be asked too.
Hug the ones you love and ASK them about THEM.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
My first born son...
I am incredibly lucky that my first born is a smart man child with great communication skills and a logical brain. However when he is arguing with me and using these skills against me, I consider just how cheap it is to make a replacement child....
Please don't get me wrong....I have no regrets about having my child. I have no thoughts that I did the wrong thing having my son with my ex even though to say we don't always get along with each other would be an understatement.
As a parent you want your child to be intelligent and to have a strong sense of what they want in hopes that they will be a leader and not a follower. You dream that they will be kind and bring you hope in the world. Sometimes I think how loud my home is and how I can hardly remember what it's like not to have noise constantly in it. I am amazed that I have this little piece of my heart that runs around outside of my body on a daily basis.
However,
-when my child argues with me and his logic is sound and perfect but NOT what I want him to do- I want to pull out my hair.
-when my house is quiet and my son is at school or with his daddy- I consider leaving the house because it longer feels like my house any more.
-when my son colors me a "pretty picture" but uses my eye liner or fancy markers I sorda wanna lock myself in my bathroom and cry. Its hard not to be mad but most of the time I am able to keep my focus and remember he won't be this size for long and in no time at all he won't want to make me art.
- when he falls asleep in the car and I get to carry his 50+ lbs of man child into the house I get frustrated right up until the point he bats those sleepy green eyes smiles that dimpled smile and says how much he needs me.
- when I am trying to hurry and get us ready to leave the house and he is in my way and I want to tell him he is IN MY WAY... and he smiles a dirty face little boy smile and tells me how pretty I look... I melt.
- when he is tried of shopping and being whiney and fussy and making me annoyed and he looks me straight in my eyes bats his lashes and says, " Momma these dresses aren't pretty enough for you." and I KNOW he is playing me... and I KNOW he is using psychology and flattery to get his way... but yet... I cave.
From holding him when he is sick even though I know I will be exhausted the next day...to cleaning up boogers and dirt... and God only knows what from his clothes...to finding rocks and leaves in my clothes dryer... I know I am loved, but being a boy mom is hard.
Please don't get me wrong....I have no regrets about having my child. I have no thoughts that I did the wrong thing having my son with my ex even though to say we don't always get along with each other would be an understatement.
As a parent you want your child to be intelligent and to have a strong sense of what they want in hopes that they will be a leader and not a follower. You dream that they will be kind and bring you hope in the world. Sometimes I think how loud my home is and how I can hardly remember what it's like not to have noise constantly in it. I am amazed that I have this little piece of my heart that runs around outside of my body on a daily basis.
However,
-when my child argues with me and his logic is sound and perfect but NOT what I want him to do- I want to pull out my hair.
-when my house is quiet and my son is at school or with his daddy- I consider leaving the house because it longer feels like my house any more.
-when my son colors me a "pretty picture" but uses my eye liner or fancy markers I sorda wanna lock myself in my bathroom and cry. Its hard not to be mad but most of the time I am able to keep my focus and remember he won't be this size for long and in no time at all he won't want to make me art.
- when he falls asleep in the car and I get to carry his 50+ lbs of man child into the house I get frustrated right up until the point he bats those sleepy green eyes smiles that dimpled smile and says how much he needs me.
- when I am trying to hurry and get us ready to leave the house and he is in my way and I want to tell him he is IN MY WAY... and he smiles a dirty face little boy smile and tells me how pretty I look... I melt.
- when he is tried of shopping and being whiney and fussy and making me annoyed and he looks me straight in my eyes bats his lashes and says, " Momma these dresses aren't pretty enough for you." and I KNOW he is playing me... and I KNOW he is using psychology and flattery to get his way... but yet... I cave.
From holding him when he is sick even though I know I will be exhausted the next day...to cleaning up boogers and dirt... and God only knows what from his clothes...to finding rocks and leaves in my clothes dryer... I know I am loved, but being a boy mom is hard.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Screw OCD... I have dishes in my sink!
I am impulsive and disorganized in so many ways that it makes all the OCD people I love and cherish crazy. It's not that I can not be organized. Its actually a lot more simple than that.
I do not have a natural drive to organize. I have a natural pursuit of memories of moments. I have a yearning to create a solid life. You see, I am the only child of a father who died young. But it's not that I am trying hard to make sure I live as much as I can just in case something happens to me. Its that I fully understand that I get ONE life. I get ONE chance to make enough memories to fill my head when I am too old to make more. I get ONE time to teach my son how to love, how to fight, and how to believe the that perfection can not be achieved, but happy can be.
My dad always believed that he would die young. He didn't fear it, for him it was just a fact that he had in his head. Because of this belief he made sure he had life insurance and savings and everything taken care of. He understand that life is precious. He understood that anything that prevents someone from LIVING is not good.
Because I am a follower of LIVING life and not just participating in it, I sometimes have dishes that sit in my sink over 24 hours. I occasionally have to turn my dryer on and let it "iron" the wrinkles out of my t-shirts and jeans. I want my son to remember the cuddling on the couch, me saying prayers with him before kissing him goodnight. I want him to hear me each and every one of the 1,001 times I tell him " I love you," in a day. I have 4,000, 2,000, and 103 pictures in my previous phones ( in that order) because I like to hold on to memories like air. I think that pictures help keep the moments alive. If you have ever been to my house (or in my classroom) you will notice that I have TON of pictures everywhere. If you are friend or family, please feel free to send me more. I will buy more frames.
What if some day I am cursed with Alzheimer's and begin to forget? Maybe the millions of pictures will be my memories, maybe the pictures will serve as a reminder to the care takers that I am a person and not just flesh and clay and air, maybe the pictures will be the bridge that connects my past to my present.
I'd rather die with dishes in my sink and a 1,000 pictures on my wall.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Maybe it's time for another baby...
" YOU should have sex..."
This is the first thing MY brain hears when someone asks how many kids I have and how old my munchkin is. Then they follow up with a "MAYyyybbeee it's time for another one..." they often wink and follow it with, " maybe a girl this time."
First of all, truly in my head when someone tells me it's 'time' to have kids I literally feel like it's them telling me they approve of me having sex. And it's kinda awkward. Personally I don't feel comfortable telling or asking other people about their sex life. Because who you kiss and whether or not you chose to spend tons of money on a person you created is NONE of my business.
Also, my second thought is how terrible it must feel for people who WANT babies and children but can not have them. And that is also not a stranger's business. A person's struggle with infertility is often a very traumatic and personal battle. Truly my heart breaks for all the want to be mommies who haven't had babies. Your heart is soo full and you want your arms to look like it too. I don't think I would be able to be tactful to people. I might be rude and tell them that my kitty was broken or that the plumbing was internally off kilter.. I dunno really.
Also, like I have any control of what genitalia appears on my child. Go back to science.
I absolutely adore my son. He truly is the greatest choice I ever made. I was INCREDIBLY blessed to get pregnant easily with him. I have personally watched some of my friends and family members suffer from fertility issues and I just wanted to offer them my uterus ( And honestly, I did once.)
I also would like to have more children. I want another human that is the outpouring of my love for handsome dimpled husband and I. I want another person to add to my family tree. Whether or not we are ready and whether or not our life station is ready to receive such a miracle is none of the rest of the world's business until we decide and are blessed with such a monumentous blessing.
It doesn't bother me when my family, very close friends, and/or mom-in-law asks... because when they ask they are asking if we are planning on making a person that is apart of their family too. They are requesting another person to love and help be apart of that person's life.
However, random stranger on the street... Unless you are planning on discussing financially helping to support another human, my sex life, and whether or not there is a "goalie on the ice" in my uterus is non of you business.
You can smile and tell me what a beautiful family we have.
This is the first thing MY brain hears when someone asks how many kids I have and how old my munchkin is. Then they follow up with a "MAYyyybbeee it's time for another one..." they often wink and follow it with, " maybe a girl this time."
First of all, truly in my head when someone tells me it's 'time' to have kids I literally feel like it's them telling me they approve of me having sex. And it's kinda awkward. Personally I don't feel comfortable telling or asking other people about their sex life. Because who you kiss and whether or not you chose to spend tons of money on a person you created is NONE of my business.
Also, my second thought is how terrible it must feel for people who WANT babies and children but can not have them. And that is also not a stranger's business. A person's struggle with infertility is often a very traumatic and personal battle. Truly my heart breaks for all the want to be mommies who haven't had babies. Your heart is soo full and you want your arms to look like it too. I don't think I would be able to be tactful to people. I might be rude and tell them that my kitty was broken or that the plumbing was internally off kilter.. I dunno really.
Also, like I have any control of what genitalia appears on my child. Go back to science.
I absolutely adore my son. He truly is the greatest choice I ever made. I was INCREDIBLY blessed to get pregnant easily with him. I have personally watched some of my friends and family members suffer from fertility issues and I just wanted to offer them my uterus ( And honestly, I did once.)
I also would like to have more children. I want another human that is the outpouring of my love for handsome dimpled husband and I. I want another person to add to my family tree. Whether or not we are ready and whether or not our life station is ready to receive such a miracle is none of the rest of the world's business until we decide and are blessed with such a monumentous blessing.
It doesn't bother me when my family, very close friends, and/or mom-in-law asks... because when they ask they are asking if we are planning on making a person that is apart of their family too. They are requesting another person to love and help be apart of that person's life.
However, random stranger on the street... Unless you are planning on discussing financially helping to support another human, my sex life, and whether or not there is a "goalie on the ice" in my uterus is non of you business.
You can smile and tell me what a beautiful family we have.
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