Today was heinous. You know the mom in Walmart with the kid who screams and cries the WHOLE time and you know their exact location bc the kid never stopped crying, today it was me. I’d love to tell you it was terrible future twos or whatever. It wasn’t.
She was just tired . Nothing else.
The bigger problem wasn’t the people who glared and tried to stare me down and shame me....or the fact that I had already tried picking her up and putting her down. I tried holding . I tried rocking . I tried in the top of the basket. I tried the bottom. I tried everything I could think. Blanket in the bottom with a stuffed animal- nope. Nothing pacified her. She was broken and tired and miserable. I wasn’t mad at her . I didn’t tell. I understand she was just tired and overwhelmed by feeling tired and unable to find a way to fix it.
And the part that helped keep my calmness?
I am absolutely drowning in that exact feeling right now.
I am tired with every fiber of my being. I’m internal and externally tired. I hate being touched by almost everyone bc my skin physically hurts to be touched ( excluding my children). It’s like my overwhelm is making my skin a raw sore. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to be held. I don’t want my back rubbed or people to try to comfort me with touch. I don’t need cutesy cat photos of “You can do it !” with them clawing their way back up. I don’t want my forehead kissed. I am not craving having sweet nothing’s whsipered in my ear. I’m not trying to be rude or hurt other people’s feelings. I just am not okay and part of that is hating being touched right now. I am tired.
I am aware that this is not my norm.
I am aware that I verge on being mean and callous to other people’s enotions.
But I am tired and putting myself behind a mask of “everything is fine ,” and becoming more tired and my emotional bank being drawn even more to the negative.
Social interaction is hard for long stretches for me on a normal stretch because being all the things for people is hard. My very inner circle of people I love and trust don’t violate my space. I don’t know why.
Social interaction when my emotions and feelings feel like a wrung out crunchy dish towel that needs washed is absolutely exhausting.
I am not a danger to myself or my family or others. (Unless they threaten my children and then- I already have phone numbers memorized for bail)
Yes, I am aware that this is temporary.
No. I do not know when I will push past and be out if this tunnel.
However, if you have people in your life when tell you that they need space because their life and emotions have them “tired.” Understand that they are not blowing you off.
I have poured myself out for others to the point my cup is empty.
Self care for me requires me to stop allowing others to take my quiet and space.
I am just like my tiny human at Walmart.
Nothing is wrong, I am tired .
I don’t know how to reset myself .
I know I am tired and that I HAVE to demand space.
So when I say “I’m just tired.”
I am telling the truth.
