I am often paranoid that I am failing at not being enough .
Good enough
Smart enough
Pretty enough
Working hard enough .
I struggle desperately with second guessing and feeling the guilt of not doing enough to earn my place in the world . I am aware that part of this is likely a reaction to a previous marriage where I was I was constantly told I was a poor excuse for a human. I was told I didn't do enough and I never seemed to measure up to standards that were ever shifting . If I dressed like a "lady" and had on heels and hose I was too provocative and asked who I was trying to impress and accused of cheating . If I dressed down I was accused to "letting myself go" and told to go change.
I was supposed to be the sole person in charge of laundry, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kid. I had to explain how I spent my every minute after school prior to his arrival home . It didn't matter that we both worked full time jobs. I was failing as a wife and a mother .
I was the one in charge of making sure the munchkin was dressed and ready for school . I was exclusively the one person in charge of coordinating with teachers . To the rest of the world he would present himself as the "man" who was handling everything and told people I was "absent minded " and couldn't do things on my own. He would tell people that he was always taking care of things. He talked about me like I was a child incapable of medial tasks.
If funds ran short and things weren't right, I was the one who had to figure out how to make money stretch and plan meals with limited funds and make magical meals appear out of slim means. If I complained about money, I was told it was my fault for not better managing things and "once again" he would take care of things ... It didn't matter that I was trying to feed a family of 4 and two dogs and a cat on $40 for a week. It didn't matter that he was eating out every day and I was planning sandwiches and hoping no one wanted toast that week because I would be short. Sometimes I would get an "allowance," but would often give it to my stepson for lunch money . No matter what I had to be able to account for each and every dollar from it.
He told me I was lazy. He told me I was stupid and didn't pay attention. He got angry when things were not handled a certain way...Regardless if I was informed that those things needed to be that way . You might think that this is absurd.. How could any educated woman listen to anyone tell them such crazy things ?!
It's far more simple than you realize to lose grips on who you are as person. It's like holding the reigns of a horse; if you grip a horse very tight and never give them slack they fight you and back away. But if you slowly pull back little by little the horse will back themselves into corner until they themselves can't see a way out . The same was true with my self respect . Little by little it was chipped away ... Snide comment here... Question there ...frustrated cruelty here.. Until all those little things add up to where I was unable to recognize me . I was afraid to do things because I was always wrong . I was afraid to not do things because that meant I would be chastised and critiqued for being stupid and not doing things . I was raised to take care of others. I was raised to believe, " love is an action. " It is the verb of affection, and sacrifice, and spoiling the other person as a means to make them happy. I would try my hardest to do everything to not upset my spouse. I would struggle and try to make everything easy. I would smile and tell everyone that everything was wonderful... but it wasn't.
I lost who I was . I stopped seeing myself and instead focused on trying not to get into trouble . I focused on trying so very hard be the "perfect" person. Perfection is impossible . Perfection is even more impossible when my spouse kept changing the rules on what they wanted from me . (The same can be true for kids from parents... If clear rules aren't established )
I was afraid of being yelled at, criticized for not being enough , and the fists pounded into doors and walls made me jumpy and paranoid. I was scared that every time I "messed up," it would make him mad at me and I wasn't sure what he would do. I stopped thinking for myself and stressed over everything . I wouldn't tell anyone because I began to believe that I wasn't good enough. I feared being yelled at. I didn't know how to handle emotions. With every fist punch into the walls and doors and next to me I got more quiet and more fearful that it would be me next time. I told myself if I would just do things that made him happy it would be enough. I told myself that if I wasn't stupid everything would work out.... But I wasn't the problem.
If you tell someone over and over and over again that they are stupid ... They stop believing that they can do things. If you tell them they are ugly and fat... They begin to watch every thing they eat and try to hide themselves . Even though I previously felt good about myself I second guessed me. I was told constantly that I was stupid and fat and not good enough . And it became how I saw myself. His words and actions became the norm and saw myself through the lies he told me.
And I started believing each and every piece of it .
I second guess myself even now. I stopped feeling good about self . I stopped knowing how to make myself happy because all I knew how to do was try to meet the ever changing goals of someone I feared . I could never attain their goals. I stopped feeling comfortable asking for things I needed, let alone wanted . It seemed absurd to ask, because I didn't want to be the reason we didn't have things .. I began to think everything was my fault. My wants and needs weren't important. It was more important for me to keep the house calm and bring as much peace into my home as I possibly could.
I still daily struggle with not feeling good enough. I feel unworthy of love. I feel unworthy of being able to ask for things I need and it's quite nearly painful for me to admit that there are things I want. I hate asking. It makes me ill if there are things that I need because I think of how much groceries that amount of money could buy. I feel selfish and bad if I want them. How can I even think to ask for a coat for myself ... how do I know that my son won't outgrow his shoes and I will have failed him because I bought something for myself. I shut down over things that are seemingly insignificant to others because I feel wrong for wanting things for me. I feel guilt over chapstick. I am sick to my stomach if I buy something small as chapstick and I loose it. I will wait to replace it for a very long time because the "waste" I feel over something so dumb. I will take the burnt piece of food, even if there is more because I don't want people to see me fail. In my mind the mistake is a failure. It was a reminder of how I am not enough. I was all of things I was told that I am.. None of them positive .
That's the inner dialog I struggle with. Those mean and cruel words that haunt me and give me nightmares.
I wouldn't stick up for myself until the night he began hitting things close enough to my face to feel the whoosh next to my cheek... where the door bounced off the back of my head. When I went to leave and he kicked and hit at me and missed....
And even then...
Then someone else had to make the call and save me.
That's what abuse did to me. Even when I believed he would hurt or kill me... I couldn't...
I second guessed myself so much I couldn't take care of me.
That's the thing with words...
We lie to our kids and teach them "sticks and stone will break my bones but, words will never hurt me..."
But that's not true.
Words won't physically hurt you, they will break your heart and kill your spirit.
And coming back from that...
it's a long road.
