Today I splurged in Walmart & bought 3 dish towels. I know some of you are rolling your eyes and thinking I'm being sarcastic or waiting for the punch line... but this isn't a joke. Lemme explain...
The truth of the matter is, I am a survivor of an abusive relationship. One of the ways that I was controlled was money. I wasn't allowed to buy things, keep my own checks, keep my own money he didn't have access to, or buy things he didn't think we needed. I didn't have access to any aspect of the finances except when I was given allowance to buy groceries and he would give me cash to make sure I didn't spend more than I was allowed. ($40 to feed 5 people and 3 pets)
After I left, I was homeless for a short period of time. By the grace and mercy of others, found a tiny perfect house that I rented. I was unbelievably broke and worked multiple jobs just to barely scrape by. We struggled so hard I can not even begin to explain it.
Money is something that gives me anxiety and makes me nervous.
If I don't budget for it, I don't buy it.
If I need something, say chapstick and I buy it and lose it. I will not replace it for however long I think I would have had that item before it wore out.
I have needed dish towels for a while. If I'm being honest, roughly 6 months. I have even cut up old raggedy towels to make sure I had some but those wore out.
Today, I bought 3 cheap but pretty dish towels when I bought groceries.
I know that sounds so silly to so many of you, and I DID put them back... twice.
I finally picked them up and put them all the way in the cart.
And when I got home I stood in the kitchen and admired how pretty they were.
Stood and considered leaving the tags on two of them and returning them...
Stood and waited for the scary anxiety in my head to stop screaming that THAT $3 is whats gonna be the difference between all of my bank things clearing this month and overdrawing the account...
I stood and waited for the idea that I shouldn't use them but should hide them in my closet to gift to myself for Christmas from Santa so the kids can still see me get Santa gifts without taking money away from them.
See, the guilt of buying things I needed, almost outweighed the need. The fear of failing to be able to provide for my family almost took the joy out of something I saw as pretty.
I happily buy my kids clothes and shoes and medicines because my love for them is far stronger than my fear. I don't hesitate to provide them anything they need and the things I can afford of what they want....
My love for them is stronger than anything.
But...
Today I am admitting that that $3 was almost too expensive for my anxiety to bear.
It was almost too costly for me to buy a need for myself because I feared not being or having enough.
There have been a dozen or so other times I thought about it.
And as a celebration of purchasing those 3 little kitchen towels, I sat down to admit how very hard they were to buy and how proud I am that I did.
For those of you celebrating teeny tiny victories and learning to overcome the fear in your head of not being enough- I'm proud of you.
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